gratitude beyond capacity Monday

I love my husband. He is fully child and fully man. I try not to think about the disparity between each of our lives. He is gold and sun and light and joy. I am ocean floor, fog on water, night in forest. I am ever thankful for the ability to live with my strong, glowing sun. He brings me room to breathe. I love him.

sunday sunday sunday morning

I am taking my husband for his first day at church. Real church. 98% friends living on the streets, 2% friends living indoors. Two-thirds don't give a rat's ass about what has been popularly monachered as 'christian.' The other third is okay with the knowledge that we don't know jack shit. I think that is where we are supposed to be most of the time. Trusting in what we surely do not know. Our church is lunch with our friends living out of doors. Playing cribbage. Playing the piano. Talking about their lives with them. Listening. Giving away socks, sleeping bags, tampons, shampoo, gloves, tarps, hand warmers... Giving away our respect and love.

I get to take my husband today.

soundscapes Monday morning

I used to have this enveloping daydream of dancing with whales through the ocean. I was from the ocean. Salty water spirit. Exploding mischief and magic while shooting in and out of the sea. I made the whales laugh. They made me laugh, too.


I am happiest when I am within a day's walk, 2-hour drive, of mountains/ocean/forest. Lakes, rivers, trees, ocean tides. I have no concrete explanation. My being rises from within me and breathes most fully in these planes.

There is nothing like it.

acceptance of a fate Saturday

Do you know what it is like? Living in the knowledge that you are ended in the event of any major disaster? Subtracting the obvious- billionaires, politicians, persons of power/influence in the known world, etc. Among those of us left behind- there are we of more tightly sealed fates.

I am not aged. I am living on borrowed time. Time that runs out when the system does. Though I am young, if I did survive the throws, I would be at my end. Life outside of the system is numbered in months.

So. I live within driving distance of Hospitals. I live in societies adhering to modern medicine. On borrowed time. How does one thrive in the limited life? Life that rides on the shoulders of death. How? It gives one vertigo to open this thought-way.

In this state of existence I must then choose my beliefs about any options after death. Whether it be belief in atheistic Science, belief in Darwinism, belief in Reincarnation, belief in a next place; Heaven...


Why do I choose what it is I choose? Why?

Does this question matter? Is our existence meant to be of questioning?

I watch my body change slowly from child to adult. My skin tints and folds infinitesimally every day.

I firmly believe in the hope that there must be a great and good purpose! I must believe it!

If I never see it proven. I must believe it.

Crying out to God.

paper wings Thursday

Is there a point to human existence on earth? Is there a point to existence? Would there be any questions without humans? If there is a point to any of it, all of it- it's beyond my reach.

Why do I still have hope, then? (because I do.)

Does that question really need an answer?

white winter hymnal Thursday

I believe that my skin, my body, is not my self. What my physical senses can know is not ultimate reality. That kind of puts a cramp in my earthly style.

I get stuck on the self-preservation issue. Am I not supposed to have it? The instinct to maintain my life at anny cost?? The possibility of attack on my physical life should, perhaps, not bring me resolve to let go of it... In dreams where I am dying, being attacked, murdered- I smile and say 'I'm ready.' 'I forgive you.' 'Jesus loves you.' And I am happy. At peace, I think, is the experience. Then I wake up. I love life. Being alive. It's fucking crazy what life is in this place. Earth. 99% darkness and misery. 1% fucking knock the wind out of you mind-blowing. That 1% light conquers the misery. For me anyway. The Clair de Lune moments. Getting back on the surfboard in spite of the terror of imminent physical annihilation- and screaming with incredulous triumph, riding the waves like a king on a firey chariot; one with God and the smallness of existence.


I live in perpetual 'otherness'.

november rain Monday (it's sunny)

I have been on the road and across the sea these past 4.5 weeks. Friends, surfing, hiking, Germany, Paris, seeing my husband for the 3rd time this year. Life is a scary precious way.

I love fall becoming winter. Cutting crunchy air siezing steamy particles in a smoky dance out of your mouth; I love that one. I also love not shaving my legs for 6-8 months out of the year- no one is going to see them anywho. Comfort within snug long'underwear may cause one or two occurrences of jungle control... :) It will all depend on whether I deem tugging long'johns, or, the battle of the shaving, more bothersome. Haha! Oh, but it is true!

Let's all just fucking group hug and swig hot Christmas! That's when my husband comes home. :)

shit face and the optimist Tuesday

It starts with not wanting to wake up. Waking up inevitably wins. Not wanting to take a shower. Not wanting to change out of pajamas. Not wanting to go outside. Not wanting to leave my bed. I get hungry. it's not worth it to actaully do it. All because I am waiting for one big thing to fall into place. That one thing is dependent upon another person. Waiting for this runs over into waiting on everything. This is stagnation in wake of impending failure. Failure.

It starts with a dull, hollow ache in the barrel of my chest. Not wanting to be strong anymore. Wanting to be selfish. Wanting to say, knowing there is nothing to be done about it. So, I mourn. I give myself one day, when I the months have built past what can be numbed and closed up in a dresser drawers until my time is complete. I sleep with the tissue box. Fists full of soft white papery wrapping for my quiet crying. Guilt for having this in control of my time and schedule. Need for it to be. So, I stay in bed and cry in silence. Until the pieces let up to be patched together again. Patchwork lady. I am a patchwork lady. A lady I surely must be. Must stride forward. A Lady. Lady Patchwork. lady Triumphant. And patched together, for the time being.

I get out of bed. I shower. I change out of my pajamas. I eat.

I rise up. I carry on.

life of perpetual touched Wednesday

small electric fan blowing from the floor Tuesday evening

With all that I write from all that I experience and contemplate I exist in the knowledge that life is good- for me. I also exist in the knowledge that I have extraordinarily tiny wrists. Or, maybe it is just that my hands are so perfunctorily square that my wrists are bystanders in a sort of optical illusion. The point, as I see it, is that I was born in a fairly free situation in life.
I have access to clean water, as of now. I have access to all manner of education- though that means being indebted for all time- I have the option to learn anything. I have access to knowledge and learning in every waking second. I can pay for food to be prepared for me, served to me, and all my dishes cleaned up- food from hundreds of cultures and culinary traditions. I have fast and private transportation. When gas becomes redonkulously priced or scarce- I will most likely have access to bicycles and rollerskates. I have health care. I have health care. That's crazy! Life is good, for me, for now.

My inner workings wrestle with the eminent possibility that all of these externals will flee.

We ARE all just one paycheck, one accident, one foot's slip away from poverty and deprivation. From losing all. (and possibly physical life.)

That is what I wrestle with. What I incessantly write about- conversing with myself as in a state of war.

I have food. I have shelter. I have running and clean water. I have access to physicians and medicine; natural medicine adn healing practices. I know how to read and write. I know how to work to decipher falsehood from what is true. I know that I do not know everything (even when I am bent on expounding otherwise- old habits...). I know that mine is not the ultimate and only valid view- nor is my culture's, nor society's view. Nor is any one else's, nor any other culture's nor society's.

That's all I have so far.

adherence tendencies Sunday am

I wrestle with, in long heaving spurts (typically when I am in an environment requiring communication with other human beings), transience. My whole life up to this point has survived on transience. Brevity. Perhaps deep & intimate contact with a select few. Still, always brevity. Even in long term relationships with others my innermost person allowed exposure only briefly and, then, lights out for anyone but myself. Lights out for me sometimes as well.

The conflict. I adhere my heart into the lives and person of each one I know & meet. It cuts me. Sharp precise jabs of hurt when I love all the while knowing it will not be reciprocated in kind. Thus, brevity. Transience.

I am working on this. My transient heart. My transient soul. My transient spirit.

happiness invades the wee am Tuesday :)

awake Saturday 1am

I do not believe that God wants us to hurt.

I do believe that magic exists.

I do not believe that music is simply to be listened to or played in marionet.

I do believe that each human carries the same value as each other human; priceless, and loved.

I do not believe in myself.

I do believe in myself.

I do not limit the holding of beliefs to one finite resolution.

I do love water.

I do not agree with Americanized Jesus.

I do accept and strive to listen to those I do not agree with. :)

I do not believe that God wants us to hurt.

I do belive that God wants us to exist in Love.

I do not believe I have answers.

I do believe.

jim croce radio on pandora Wed. pm- Thurs. am :)

Insane searching for real! Truth! Genuine humanity! I imbibe you,open hearts with honest mouths, to the craving marrow of my soul and bones!


Helpers-

The Wisdom of the Enneagram
Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith
Earth and High Heaven
The Siren
A Whole New Mind
Rose Daughter
Spindle's End
*everyone affiliated with my family of the outdoors.

one more thing Sunday night

The Paul Young Interview from Recycle Your Faith on Vimeo.

listening to frou frou Sunday night

I am in an in-between state. I need to go to sleep and I am not tired. My body is telling me to stop- stop what, not sure. My mind is telling me to go- go where...


My papers need organizing, my kitchen needs cleaning, my laundry needs re-doing (as I have discovered my error in only using the pr-wash cycle these past weeks). I spent all day yesterday hauling wet gravel, shoving around bark, digging, digging, digging. My body was pleasantly sore until an hour ago. Now it is whaling at me to fix, fix, fix! Fix these problems of muscle, tendon, bone, and organs! I am at a loss as to what I need. I am hoping for exhaustion to slam into me and create unconsciousness. :) That is the plan for now.


ps I really, really enjoy the Finally Woken album by Jem. Mucho. Que bueno.


Have you ever had several days of sporadic chin spasms? It is awkward beyond humor. Particularly when it is localized to only one half of the chin. Quiver face. Hot.


Why aren't there more 24 hour 'we always deliver' food places in the world? I love those places. Why can't you live in my neighborhood? Just that one New York convenience without all of the inconvenience of New York. :) We should work this out.

----

My used-to-be sweet lil' ol' neighbor lady just sent me this:

"I am sending you my first official text message to you. My niece has shown me some of the tricks of the trade, but like any new learning adventure it takes time to learn the basics. So don't "lol" (laugh out loud). "GTG" (got to go)."

Oh life. I did laugh out loud. I don't even use GTG! Hahaha! She wins. :] So cute.

----


I love you all. All of you humans. Crazy, full of beauty, people.

Goodnight.

kings of leon radio pandora style Thursday

I have these moments. In my vehicle. Driving.
I am driving and there is no other reality, never has been any other reality, than Jesus and I in motion. I sigh knowing that Jesus is there, has always been with me. Like the best friend, older sibling, otherworldly diety of dieties whom basically lives at your house. I think that is actually the other way around. I am that friend. The one climbing the tree into Jesus' window to stay up talking and watch the sky while the rest of the world turns around us. I tell Jesus everything. I tell Jesus how much I love my husband, and all of the details as to why I am desperately grateful for him. I tell Jesus how much I miss my husband. I tell Jesus how I am ready to leave this life when it comes to that. I tell Jesus how I am afraid of being old- really old; it terrifies me. I tell Jesus of how I think, in spite of my fears, sagely beauty will be the best fit for my soul.

I cry and beg Jesus never to put me in a situation where I am blackmailed to the forfeit of another's life- physical or otherwise; I will ALWAYS forfeit mine. I cry because I know my husband would not understand why. So I beg Jesus to not put me in that place. Then I cry in softer shades of acceptance if I ever do get put there. I know my decision. Jesus will take care of everone else.

I sigh and smile like a deep green river. That is the best I can describe the feeling resonating within me. When Jesus and I see good among humanity. When I see clouds. When I curl my fingers with Jesus' and we watch the rain. Jesus is there when all I want to do is kiss the trees. Jesus is there when all I want to do is burn everything while I wail from the depths of all fucking sorrow and anguish. Jesus loves me when I yell at people in my mind. Jesus takes my hands when I raise them to the sky instead of cringing "Fuck You All" through the cracks of my teeth.

I do have these moments.

Someday they will be my every moments.


Thank God.

goodnight everybody sunday

You are valuable. I want to value you more.

no, no, no, no, no Sunday night

I don't want to have kids. I stare at pictures of children that have been brought into this world. Bloated, abused, angry, mourning their existence. I see cognitively burgeouning kids beeing fed whatever those in power (adults, the rich, the mean, the murderously well-meaning); 99% of these kids will fester in these narrow-minded spewings of advice. Another mass of that number will take life, either from another...others, or, from themselves- or both. I can't be a parent. I can't do that to another human'being. It is selfish and cruel. How, can one wouned rat of a human'being trying to simply keep from bleeding out, how can such a one ever raise another human being without cutting every section of that little one's soul into minced ash?


I don't want that responsibility.


I can't even think about it.


I will fuck it all up. Fucked up souls because of me.

I can't do it.


I don't even know what I fucking believe! How am I supposed to answer any child?! Any fucking person!? Why do I even fucking open my mouth!? But I do! It's a fucking disease! Like I fucking know shit! I know nothing! Nothing! I know nothing.


[don't worry I will recover enough to maintain life].


I just want Jesus to come RIGHT NOW and set us free from this hell.


There is no such fucking thing as enlightenment. If you get to anything near it- you're fucking missing the boat. We are all souls trapped in racks of skin and riggles of gray matter. Accept that while you sit in your field of grass and singing birds with your purified water and organic clothes- families are being chopped with machetes, children are being raped,people are being raped, people are being held captive and starved to death in tidy suburban basements, kids are being shot for the sake of some group's "cause."... I can't purposefully bring another life into this place- I can't parent any child into this place. I am already a conduit to the system. To my misery and demise. God help us. Please help us. Please help us. Please help us. Please help us. Please help us. Please help us.

This isn't where we are supposed to be. We are supposed to be free. What does that even mean, God?

...what does anything fucking mean? i just want to take off all of my clothes, walk into the river and cry until it floods the earth.


oh, God. Please help. Please help. Please help.

Cat Steven's "Peace Train" (my life) Tuesday

Now I've been happy lately
Thinking about the good things to come
And I believe it could be
Something good has begun
I've been smiling lately
Dreaming about the world as one
And I believe it could be
Something good's bound to come

For out on the edge of darkness
There runs the peace train
Peace train take this country
Come take me home again

Peace train sounding louder
Ride on the peace train
Hoo-ah-eeh-ah-hoo-ah
Come on the peace train
Peace train's a holy roller
Everyone jump upon the peace train
Hoo-ah-eeh-ah-hoo-ah
This is the peace train

Get your bags together
Come bring your good friends too
Because it's getting nearer
Soon it will be with you
Come and join the living
It's not so far from you
And it's getting nearer
Soon it will all be true

Peace train sounding louder
Ride on the peace train
Hoo-ah-eeh-ah-hoo-ah
Come on the peace train

I've been crying lately
Thinking about the world as it is
Why must we go on hating?
Why can't we live in bliss?

For out on the edge of darkness
There rides the peace train
Peace train take this country
Come take me home again

Peace train sounding louder
Ride on the peace train
Hoo-ah-eeh-ah-hoo-ah
Come on the peace train

Come on, come on, come on the peace train...

I heart Regina Spektor's music Tuesday

I am moving to here.


Today I am going through my entire house and clumping together all unnecessary things. This menagerie will be gleaned out among friends first and then packed off to Goodwill.


Survival tactic: iTUnes DJ. (Yessss).

we're just two lost souls swimming in a pink floyd song Saturday

Second night in a row of watching The Lost Boys before I bring my day to a close; delicious 80's movie. De-lish-usss. Mmmmmmmm :) I need to nab The Goonies next. Oh. Yes.


I am thinking of giving away a lot of my clothes. I am also thinking of getting some hot old-school ray-bans, but that's another story.


It's just that itch to give away everything. I have gotten rid of my things roughly at the turn of each year in my inwardly-conscious life. I just want it all gone. I think this is 60% healthy for me. That other 40%...I need to hang on to...something. I don't have to be a nomad anymore. I don't have to live in a constant state of 'prepare for the worst'. I should want to fight to live. I should want to fight to have happiness, security, love. I should be able to fully, completely, and absolutely vulnerably...love. I know this. I acknowledge. That's the first step to recovery, I guess. I think. I hope.


I just want to breathe.

I can't breathe.

Sometimes I catch a gasp. An hour of dancing alone in the dark. An automatic, unhindered hug towards another. An hour of loud, broken, wailing sobs embraced like food. I just wan tot be free, Jesus. I want to be free. Help me to breathe.

Help me to breathe.

Thanks for the bits. My smiles are all for you. My tears are all for you, too.

Jesus. goodnite...

Thank you cosmos for 'Julie & Julia' and Judy Saturday

Interpersonal update from 'Letter to V'-

"Reading through [this] now I am not in the fear that I was. It is always possible to be 'marked' by this type of encounter, for later, which will certainly be in the back of my mind for a while. However, my soul and spirit and mind are free; I have to keep repeating this to myself (have had to for years). Jesus said to love God and love people. It is an all inclusive package. Why should anyone have love for me if I do not have love for even just one person? Even if that person wants to peel the skin from my body while I watch [which I have not quite wrapped my mind/heart around- working on it]. Even if that person is Adolf Hitler [Dito- it's just so fucking insane! But I believe in it! Ga!!!]. Even if that person is annoying. Even if that person is too loud, too quiet, too whatever. Even if that person is a prowling slave-trader wearing a suit and tie on a walk through Downtown. I think that is all that I can express as to where I currently am. Will I piss myself and cry if this man or anyone of his ilk do ever take me? You fucking bet your ass. [This does not make me a coward. Anyone who thinks so is in jack-ass mode.My body is subject to this world and will do what it will under abuse. I- me, I am free.] Will I have moments of billowing fury when I think of the people that become prey to such as him? For the rest of my life. The Good: I am now equipped with an experience out of which to teach others. Thank God. Help us God. Help us Jesus. Ya... It'll be an ongoing conversation." -Me

Just watched "Julie and Julia." What an effervescent release! A melt in your mouth movie experience to savour on a cloudy day. (sigh of utter contentitude and longing for a French dinner- right now). :)

It was a much needed lift in my sagging life.

Travel and lack of sleep have caught up with me. I have that thing where the passageway which travels from the nostrils through the inards of the neck and down into the cavity of the chest feels like scritchy, scratchy, dull-burning, poky nettle smuck. It is also the type of walking in a state of prolonged and dogged pre-fever. All the while helping my neighbor move from two-stories to 700sq. feet across town (which! I love! And it has been tough only for the fact that I am a cooked slug).

My neighbor. (sigh of bittersweetitude). She won't be my neighbor anymore. She'll be across town in a condo. She'll have new neighbors. I am going to miss having a sweet little biddy on each side of my house. Now I will have only one little biddy.

I am going to wake up tomorrow, sit up in bed and realize that my flowers need watering because my neighbor got up at 5am and watered her flowers across town instead of next door and, in-so doing from the goodness of her candy heart, watered all of mine, too. When she gets sick, I won't know. I won't know to buy her a copy of Good Housekeeping and put it in a party-bag full of Saltine's and Chicken Noodle Soup. Because, she won't live next door anymore. I won't find flyers wedged in my front door for classical concerts for us to enjoy together. I won't wave to her in her window as I drive away to tackle my grocery list. I won't be the one buying her groceries when there is two feet of snow in her driveway. She was the best neighbor I ever had. My very first, best, neighbor. and I am so sad that she won't be there anymore. I am so sad; she's gone, now. She was my friend. My very loving and thoughtful friend. Who is going to be loving and thoughtful to her now?

I know she will have nice, good people to be neighbors with. The people in the condo next to hers have a planter on their front step in the shape of a cheerful piggy, for crying out loud. (sigh). She was just the absolute best and I am going to miss having her around here.

I hope you all have neighbors half as special- for then your life would truly be blessed.

breezy Friday

Today I woke up and visited with my husband. That always makes my life beautiful.

I decided to get out of the house and out into this tantalizing day. I have been recently okayed to eat small doses of wheat- Pizza! I stopped by Pizzicato and ordered one slice of Putanesca and one slice of Veggie. Mmmmmmm. The three of us traipsed over to some public grass under a public tree to bask in public sparkling shade; the kind that dances with sunbeams. I snagged a blanket from my trunk and a bottle of water from my bag- voila- picnic in the park. I listened to two little girls racing clumsily around the playground while they played 'who screams the loudest and for how long.' It was thoroughly delicious to every lotion of my soul. I think I would like to picnic again in my very near future.

After I made oracular love to my pizza and water, I mosied on over to smoothie land. 20 ounces of raspberry-mango-pineapple-blueberry goodness. I took my spoils to the bookstore and perused around until fully satisfied with the grazing over new covers with my fingertips. mmmm. I love plopping down into a warm, almost steamy, vehicle after being in an air conditioned space. I relished in the heat of my automobile for a good 10 minutes after leaving the bookstore. I simply sat, eyes closed, head back against the driver's seat, breathing deeply. After my therapy session was up I drove on over to my free-movie (those club cards actually pay off).

Now I am home after popping in to the grocery store for my wheat representative: Toasty O's. :] Add a little rice milk and be thou in a heavenly state. (Totally my dinner tonight).


I love you. Jesus loves you. Let's each have a bowl of cereal.

letter to V Friday

I was going to call you but I am calmer now. I would still like the spiritual support that I have heard you mention that you are comfortable with.

Tonight, while I was in P. Square after we served all of the burritos, I was watching the bags while J and G went to get someone a sandwich.

I was sitting on a bench with K's bag, the friend's bag, the burrito Ikea bag, and J's purse. I was wearing my long dress, which you saw, and my usual old lady straw hat.

After a few moments, a man who looked like your average Pland business guy- black shoes, slacks, black jacket with toggles for buttons, wearing a tie and nice sunglasses, short cropped hair- business guy appearance- he was walking by and looked my way. He asked "Excuse me, are you from Portland?" I got up, now thinking he was a tourist, and said ""Yes."

Man: "Do you know of any camping places nearby"

Me: "What do you mean? What kind of camping?" "In the city, or, in the woods?"

Man: "I'm looking for the kind of camps where homeless youth stay. Are there any places in the city?"

Me: "That's being worked on right now, but currently, it's illegal to camp in the city. There are some places, like [place] by the airport that are permanent as of now."

Man: "[place]? Where's that; how do you get there?"

Me: "It's kind of a tent city by the airport. You can take [road] to [road]."

Man: "I'm kind of down on my luck and I'm working for this celebrity in Las Vegas that wants me to shoot adult portraits to send down to Mexico. You're 18?"

Me: "Over."

Man: "Ok. Good. I'm looking for girls in these camps where the homeless youth are to make some videos- you're not a street kid are you?"

Me: "No."

Man: "Ok. You're not a church girl are you?"

Me: "That doesn't really exist up here."

Man: "Good, because one of the questions I need to ask- Do you, do you fuck out?"

Me: "No, I don't."

Man:"Ok. Do you smoke any bud?"

Me:"No, I don't, but I'm sure you can find someone around who does."

Man: "Ok." we shake hands "What was your name?"

Me :"Zo." I was still in an out of body state before I thought 'don't say anything-or- get his name or card.'

Man: "Zo, ok, have a good night."

He walked of going north away from the square. A few moments later, J and the other two came back. I was still in disbelief and slowly beginning to process my encounter while I told them what happened like a joke.

It did not take very long for me to become angry, fearful, anxious about this man and his plans. I walked to where I saw a uniform. It ended up being a Square patrol (not a cop), so I told him I was solicited and gave him a description.
On the drive to drop off the bags at Ken's, my rage and fury painted every bit of me. I was very happy to give you a small hug when we made it there.

I called the police on my way home and left them a voicemail with a brief detail of the occurrence and a description.


The anxiety kept building along with my anger. What if I can't be safe when we go to the Square anymore? What about all of those girls and women this man and others like him get to before the police catch him? I shook his hand and was patient with him, while he endeavored to enslave me. I was alone. I’m small. I’m not physically strong. It is awful to be stuck in this physical state. I was alone. He could find me. I am mad for having to worry about these things. Jesus loves him. I have God’s love and mercy for him. I showed him love. But, I want him to go to prison. There are men and women like this man who are wrangling women and boys and men into sexual slavery. And, I want to help them be clean in their hearts. And, I am helpless.

I am working through a lot of things in my heart and mind about the experience. This guy is still out there. I am supposed to be Jesus to him. I am furious and anxiety ridden for me and women and men; and sad for this man.

I am in a state of philosophical, theological, physiological, spiritual, everything-ogical chaos. But not chaos, at the same time; all twisting and clawing at my being.

I am watching tv episodes online until I pass out. I am also self-medicating with sugary gum. It’s a great novacaine.
God is teaching me something, whatever the fuck it is.

So, lift me up to God, please. I need assistance.
Necesito ayudas, Jesus.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Thursday

I am mad at the world, a little bit.

I was solicited for prostitution this evening. Unless the police find him, there will be women being enslaved.

If Jesus came back right now, everything would be fixed.

It is conflicting to have love/pity/hope for this man and the people he works for; hope that they will meet the face of God. Outrage, woe, loving'kindness, etc.

thx Neil Patrick Harris Wednesday

Catch Phrase is in the all time hall of my fame game hall. (of fame).


http://www.hulu.com/watch/28343/dr-horribles-sing-along-blog

You need this. Watch it. It will make you happy. :)

mildly depressed but not but yes Thursday

Even Michael Buble can't make my spirit sway toward the light. I am not drowning. If I was, I would be in bed with the pillows marshmallowing my face. I am not at an impasse. I am at , not a fork int the road, perhaps, maybe, I am on the edges of the pages of my life. They are frayed, worn, yellowed, and smell great. Dusty old book life. I am in the spot where I slowly cut through the plastic wrap around my heart and mind. Depressing, but more of an unknown that is terrifying- but I long for it so exceedingly that I cannot stay here. But it is terrifying to leave. Why have I been daydreaming about becoming a shut in. Daydreaming that once I accepted agoraphobia that I would be truly in a constant and continual state of relief. This is just not true. WTF. :) I knew this. I know that I knew this all along. I also know that I knew if it could just happen it would be true. But I knew it wouldn't. I love myself. I have faith in myself, to a degree. I am safe. My life has slowly curled tighter and tighter around the insatiable hunger and thirst for safety. Now what do I do? Knowing that safety is sterile, in my case. Sterility is not how I want to live. That is terrifying to admit, to accept, and where the fuck is my twelve-step program?

I thought that I was above the mess. Not fully. Just enough to be free to the ankles. I am now discovering, unpleasantly, that I am 5 feet under. At least now I have an oxygen tank. So. I have realized that I did not know how to breathe, did not know how to swim and have been floating sideways and upside down in my desire for safety over life. So. God help me. Help me. Help me. Help me.

Not depressed. Just fetal. But conscious, now. Fully? Not yet.

i wrote this last tuesday Wednesday

hey. i'm up.

Thursday, July 2, 2009 at 11:42pm

it's sultry tonight. steamy air bows aside for whirling breezes created by winding plastic wings. all pointed at me.

the proclaimers are moved so by my tear drops, they're running down my face. diamonds of water and salt from my body, coming down to meet their kisses. that is what they sing to me. i can accept the antithesis to my current state. teardrops kissed by the proclaimers. dry cheeks kissed by no one. not until I hear Alvin and the Chipmunks caroling over supermarket speakers. happy tears kissed happily. stay tuned.

sometimes i dream i can fly. i am walking down a public hallway. glance sideways at vacant faces. leering faces. my steps increase to hip hop video status. faces blur. i run. i run until a am wind-whipped of my clothing and cares. wings flow from me and i am a new being. delicious dreams.

i dream. i dream i am in a prison. wrongfully held. ignorantly punished. "they want to kill me." it is a prison camp. the bodies in x-ray chains mill. recognition. i know them. homeless. friends. we are pariah. cattled. slowly guillotined. power must die first. i am a fence dweller. not homeless. not other. other want to kill me. no fence dwellers. dangerous. have voice. can change. i must escape. they want to kill me. my dream ends hiding on a gritty cement floor slacked with sweat and fear. determination to get out. speak out. not cattle. human being. human beings. parts of the whole. real dream. not the whole. too graphic.


I dream. most nights. deeply.

must learn from my dreams. no other option.

unknown. how. do first. think later.

ok.

i am floored by the beauty of power within a person.

you are full of beauty.

you are full of power.

i love you.

-by Me

heart of life is good Tuesday

Finished Ann Lamott's "Traveling Mercies"... I will be reading the others very very soon. She writes in a vignette style that I want more and more of.

Life is hard. I want to stay in my world of books forever. I want to be loved. I want to be an effective human being in this world. How do I make those desires work?

I want to unplug from the global communications system. I want to document my life and share it with the world. But I don't. But I do. But I... You see my problem?

I would of made a good nun, were I Catholic. That is, until I drove myself mad with longing for freedom of expression in relation to my mind, body, spirit, and relationships with other people.Only to desperately gasp for solitary air. Only to then...

I am in deep empathy to the rubber band.

old school Monica Friday

My cat has flopped across my bedroom floor with his back to the wall where a breeze from a portable fan bounces off to cool him down. I am cooling down with 90's HipHop and R&B. Nothing better.


I love water. I love drinking hot water, cold water, lukewarm water. I love swimming in water, bathing in water, cooking with water; water is amazing! Amazing!

I am a paradox. A multiple paradox (just go with it). 800 paradox's in one person. I am paradoxology.

My Mantra:

I am not a failure! I am not a failure! I am not a failure!

and

I am powerful. I am full of beauty. I am strong. I am thankful. I am fucking AMAZING!

whew Thursday

I have wanted a tattoo behind my right ear, off and on, for about 8 years. I decided it would be the Greek verse Phil 1:21 "For to me to live [is] Christ, and to die [is] gain." What this verse means for me beyond exactly what it states- I do not know. I am still scrubbing out the poisonous voices of rotted "believers." So, I have no knowledge to translate my own unintelligible soul mutterings about God and Jesus, etc. I do know that alive is Christ (Anointed One) and dead is true and absolute freedom. That is the extent of my knowledge.


Thinking about getting the tattoo. I'll probably think about it for another 8 years.


"It took me a while and quite a few bruises to finally discover that the best life I am meant to live and the ever-elusive purpose I am meant to possess is actually right in front of me right now. I already have it." -Pretty Interesting Pam 2009

Dito, Pam.

Lullaby Tuesday

My life has been a life of letting go and forgetting as best I can.

The world I lived in taught me that when I love, those loved will leave promptly; whether in physicality or other.

In essence, the bottom always falls out, the top always crashes in. No one survives.

I am daily in defiance and recovery from that world.


I love you. Me, too.

Having hot cornmeal with honey and 2 soft-boiled eggs with a pea-protein shake. Thanks breakfast.


Listening to Wham. You know you're jealous. It makes me want to watch every 80's rom'com ever. Annnnd every 80's cheesy yet awesome cop movie. :] Love it.


Some days I decide to that I will turn off the workings of my mind and just exist in simple'ville. Just do for others and live til I die. Other days, I think myself into the fetal position. It used to be to battle-stations, but I think fetal position is an improvement; it leaves people out of it. The cycle repeats itself.

Metric's Grow Up and Blow Away Saturday

So what is this whole fucking thing?

I don't know.


I don't have any friends because I cannot trust anyone.

I have friends, few and far far spread across my years because I love.

No one will remember me 10 years after I die, pretty dang sure about that.


What is this whole fucking thing?



I was supposed to die when I was young. You didn't know that. I was. I lived in a house of death, but I lived; only long enough to again be ready to leave the world and go to sleep forever- 15. I woke up from that surgery, distraught that I was still here. I was truly ready and had said goodbye. So...? Fuck that. I kept going and died only in soul as my life progressed.


It has taken me all of my life to scrape out of the swamp that is generational poverty. Fuck you, I say. Sure we had a house. After that it stopped. Fuck that. Thank God for people giving us sacks of rice and beans. Jesus. It has taken even more clutching at slippery railing under boggy water to escape the victim mentality. It still creeps up in trace amounts here and there and must be faced and painfully climbed through. So what do I say about others in poverty? Nothing. I am no judge, but will be judged rightly by God for my wrongs. I will not be able to hide from them. No act of goodness, kindness, what ever the fuck you insert here, nothing of anything I do will bring me to rights with God. What the F?!?!! I'm smiling about it. WTF?@!?!?! I am insane. I don't even know what to say to my own words above. I just am that I am.


What is this life? I probably do not need to know. Probably never know. Does it even matter when I am dead?What is dead? Really the real alive? I think too much today. Maybe some day that will stop. hmmm...

High and Dry Radiohead Wednesday

How do I feel about the universe and all within? I do not know. Not entirely. Nothing near.

soundtrack Sunday

Christmas time. That's when I will be with my husband again. I had a dream last night that I was strolling through a department store decked out with a haze of red and green stuffed figurines. The Husband and wife down before me turned there cart to reveal a young boy with bright wide eyes. At this moment I heard Christmas music tinkling down from the speakers overhead. I smiled to myself as the family passed me by and I turned the corner. "Christmas music; Tre will be here soon." I then told myself that it wasn't even October yet and still felt that the time was near enough to have Christmas cheer. I woke up in June. Still... soon enough. :)

just vibin on a well done Monday night

I love that sleep you get after wakin gup groggily to toss the cat into the garage for waking you up with incessant mewing. 4am is not play time. Cats do not get this. I learn.

You frump you rway through the dim house back to your bed. You get halfway there and realize you cannot hold it any longer. The trick is to leave the light off in there as to keep the state in-between sleep and awake. Finally, relieved and ready for sweet relief, you smoosh your face into the now cooled pillow and burrow into billows of down-alternative cotton heaven. (Inhale deeply, exhale satisfied).


Not only did I shower before 3 in the afternoon today, I shaved my legs in their entirety- made it past the knees today! I even spared time for the underarms, ladies. That's a sign of a day to be had.


I enjoyed my blend of gazpacho with a side of corn tortillas for breakfast while catching some Whoopi and Ray Romano stand up on Youtube. Very filling in all. I made sure to squirm into my swimsuit immediately after showering so that my breakfast videos would not hypnotize me into sedaentary living.

happy that I did. Tromped off to the gym for saltwater swimming. I forgot my cap but had the goggles. A big victory! Swimming is delicious and scrumptious to my existence. Mmmm. MM. Mmm! I did swallow a dollop of pool water, but have fully recovered.

I glided home and directly placed my salty wet rags into the wash with the rest of my laundry.

Comfortably in my holey sweats, I commenced typing a summer update letter for people who like us. Oh! I also filled out this mega-giant-huge'o'mundo packet for my Naturopath appointment next Monday! Excited!

Hit up kinkos/fed-ex to mail my packet and print my letter on yellow summer stationary with flours!! During the 20 minute wait I ran to Trader Joe's for my off'n'on addiction- Barbara's Puffin cereals. I got original and peanut butter. shameless. I even had the time to snag a scratch pad, for my scattered brain, at the Dollar store! It has lines!


I watched more Whoopi while I folded and enveloped my sunny happy letters. Goodness. :)

I ran to Portland and ended up having dinner in a little slice of Southern love- Miss Delta. I enjoyed tagging along with Mr. and Mrs. Ken, Vivian, and Mr. Ken's buddies. Vegan options on the 3-Starter deal for $9.50- DO IT.


Now I am home and rinsed off- I putt off the after swim slosh til now. Sometimes I like it. I'm feeling good, folks. I just need to repeat some variation of today every day to come and it will be ginger-peachy. :) Funny how my plans give way to life's plans.

Today was great. Thx for great days and thx for lousy days God. You lifted me up today. I carry the faces of the wounded too tightly sometimes. Thank you for giving me some fresh air and cool water. Make me to stand also in ugliest walking death for you. It terrifies me. So do You. And, with that, I am at peace and delirious in my satisfaction in You.

Ya.

Ya.

Sweet dreams world. Safe places and kind people to all. From the bottom of my heart.

ready Tuesday evening

I don't give a fuck anymore. The book is closed. The door is open and there are no walls on the other side. That is where I am now. So fuck you all. When I say this, I mean fuck your words. Fuck your everything you have to purport upon me- because, you don't actually give a fucking ass-clown shit about my heart, my mind, my spirit. You're a bunch of fucking tossers and I hope you have a good life. Far the fuck away from me.


I say this in love, whether you believe me or not; that's on you.

address unknown Tuesday

(listening to some Elvis)

My life is cheerful. My life is sad. My life is mine. For that I am glad.

-original poem by me :]

mixed existence Thursday

hung out in downtown portland today with my friends who live outdoors.

it's hard and joyful to sit around with the graduating class of the school of hard knocks. ya, there's crazy in a lot of conversations, but most are just desire for a job. Even so, we laugh together.

it's the most heartbresaking when we run out of foil wrapped burrito's and the bright yellow ikea bag gets tucked under the bench. that's hard. but being there after the food is gone; that's what's important. listening. sharing your time. that's real love. real jesus.

ugly and beautiful.

tidying up Wednesday

Opening the windows is refreshing. (To be cliche-ish). Now if I could just open the window to my self all the way... :0}


I need to freaking learn freaking German! ( I just remembered, hence the outburst). Time to call my friend from Spanish class who is from Germany. (It's funny to me).


I miss listening to Eisley. I used to do it all the time. I recently found their little tab on my pandora list. Reunited and it feels soooo good.

:)

A Message to HOME Thursday

I've been asked, by a church I used to go to, to come share a 5 minute something about the Holy Spirit. Where do I feel "nudge" or where/how do I see the Holy Spirit, that sort of thing. 5 bloody minutes to fit into their damn schedule. That's the first answer that came to mind. Then I thought about how I exist in my life; past experiences bordering on miraculous, etc. Then I almost had a panic attack with the desire to go in there and explain why I am never going back to that place. I paused to watch Star Trek. (Wicked awesome distraction btw). Then I thought about Home. I thought about how I knew I was supposed to be with you all as soon as I read the first page of Ken's words in that little book. I thought about Vern and Jeff and all of you that make up my Home. Where I belong. I have come to rest on the image of the Indian woman who comes to help serve food now. She basically takes over and serves everyone else- food and a round of water bottles- before eating. That's discipleship.

That's the Holy Spirit moving before me and around me. People who have not eaten in days, volunteering to serve others before they themselves have anything. And they do it with smiles on their faces. Some believe in God, some hate God, some don't believe anything. But, because you who do this great deed of love towards the unwanted and untouchable, they love each other. I am going to share that with those people who I do love but I cannot be a part of because their fruits just aren't there. I can't take it. Sitting in rows while the soul is stagnated into decrepitude. But I love them and they love God. I just wanted you to know that I see Jesus in Home and all who make Home the place that it is; where I belong.

Mi Casa es Su Casa, Espiritu Santo.

homelessness and not homelessness Wednesday

a comment to Mi Casa Speaks which I wrote a wee back:

"It’s hard to change your brain into thinking of people who live outdoors as ‘people’ after being inundated with the ideology that those outside are animals. Maybe, some living outside come to believe that they are animals and lose their spirit, their voice. Even those who live indoors have similar battles of self-depreciation. It seems like it can be a vicious circle of hurt. Simply because of fear of the different, the unknown. It all seems to often be the human condition of existence. Forgiveness of self and those who do harm (intended or otherwise) is a jagged mountain to beat."


An urban outdoorsman shared his observations of responses/reactions to people of the street from people of the indoor-life. read it for yourself via the Mi Casa Speaks link.

The Proclaimers 'My Old Friend The Blues' Tuesday

Today I'm just fucking tired. Spirit tired. Body tired. Tired. Contributing factors: delay of shower til, still, later, not eating well until now (which isn't too appetizing), not going to the gym, not doing the laundry, not painting the bathroom, not doing the dishes, not wanting to see any other person. Of course, if anyone called within those I cannot refuse- I would meet them and soon become joyful to simply be in their presence. I've spent my day reading, lying awake in my thoughts. Wondering what I believe. Why do I desperately cling to Jesus- not that I do not want to. Why am I personally running after Jesus and God? Those thoughts. When will I be free of myself? That permeates.

The latter can be remedied by bathing, eating, getting my shit done, going to the gym and swimming in the delicious salt water pool.... The latter? I have no fucking idea. I am not in complete and total despair. I am just floating alone in zero gravity waiting to touch down on God. God is there, here, with me. I am just stuck with what comes next. Or what it is meant to be. Life, me, everything. If I was a butterfly, I would not need to ask. I would be God's purpose for my existence. I want that now. I just want that. I want it.

waiting for a phone call Friday night

Soooooo great.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PShrVuENpxw&feature=related

annnnnd again Friday

The thing about sharing my life's stories is that, for some reason in this society- Westernized modern, that type- the mindset is "if that experience was more of anything than mine then that person is more valuable than me and my own experiences are no longer valid in this relationship (and possibly this entire life)." I hate it!

Stop thinking like that! All of you! Stop it!
(and me, too) (gah!!! hate!)

alive Friday

What am I supposed to do with this, Jesus?

sitting in my pajama pants Thursday morning

(Black Bird by Guess Who)

Last night was the first night in years that I have talked about my cancer with someone other than my husband. It was weird explaining short details in a noisy bar without monopolizing conversation. It's easy to keep on talking when you've had a big something like that in your life- especially when it dictates daily life still. It will be interesting to see where that conversation pops up now with that new group of mates. i am open to sharing my experience but I am always wary of creating drama. Do you know what I mean? I don't want to be that kid sucking life out of other people by always one-up'ing the conversation with cancer stories, abuse stories, etc. There's always a fine line there waiting to be crossed. Crazy stuff in that arena of my world :) It's slightly nerve-racking knowing that I am now going to have that conversation in varying degrees with a lot of people in the near future.

melencholy yet pleasing Wednesday night

I know that I am abnormal. Very, very abnormal. I am not even normal enough to induce affinity with those who consider themselves rejects/misfits/abnormal. I love them and thus I keep showing up. :)

early perfect morning Wednesday

(Fleet Foxes in my space)

It's amazing how the presence of another person alters you. My cat is sleeping snuggly n the middle of a queen sized bed where two snug little ladies were not 1 hour ago. Now one is driving home for the next 3 hours and the other is sitting comfortably in her skivs writing about love. Philos love; the love of friends, commrades, brothers, sisters...that love. I don't want to put her toothbrush away in it's plastic baggy, awaiting her return in a cupboard drawer. It's a momento of her presence and our precious time shared. Sleepy half conversations at the kitchen table. Mumbled bits of stories from our pillows before succombing to dreamland. Pleasant nothings expressed over tea looking out the sliding glass doors to a rainy morning. Nothing of paramount importance to the scholar or the news anchor. Still, more important than any piece of public consciousness. Thank you Jesus for friends. thank you for my life. I don't know what to do with it most days- but I am truly truly thankful all days. thank you for my friend.

Blowing you all a kiss and sending a mental hug.....yep. :)

haven't taken a shower yet Friday :)

I wish there were a magical world where the sun shone all day and one never had a sunburn. The nights were always warm with a cool breeze. Peace and quiet. Music and dancing. Life.

I have more- but it will come to me, and ,thusly, you, later.

wed...

I know where I am. If you feel or think that I am not being who I am; that's on you. When I am sharing what I am working on in my life and you call me out on the one glitch in my system- that's your heart fucking with you; and I hope you work it out. I am a changing being. My beliefs change. My living out of my beliefs changes. Information changes my mind, my heart, my mode of living, thinking, being, feeling, understanding of the world. Get the fuck over yourself and be real- that's what I say to myself everyday. And I am saying it to you. I'm just a fucked up hurting person- and so are you. I understand your denial- I used to be in denial. Maybe I'm not like you. Maybe you don't like me because of something you hate in yourself, your past, or I am not someone you want in your life. That's fine. I understand that most thoroughly. And, I'm good with that.

I am not the same me as I was yesterday. I will not be the same me that I am today. Anyone who condemns me for this is a broken person. I have nothin gbut love for you. Ya, it hurts when you sling at me, but not enough to take me down. Not enough to make me take you down. I'm good now. I'm learning to know myself. The only one knowing me more is God- not you, but nice try. I'll try not to act like I know you more, either. Working on it. Working on all of the shit in my life. Only God is the answer. Whatever that looks like.

I love you. I love me. I love Jesus. The rest is forming.

fucking mad at people I heart Wednesday

I want to go to my old church and yell "You are a douche!"

My kinda-friend I sometimes helped to lead singing with called to ask me if I was going to be around this Sunday. Nay can do because I am going to see the freaking 100 Monkeys!!!! He wanted to know if I would share about the Holy Spirit and said maybe next time when I said outa country yo.

I wanted to scream at him. Holy Spirit! You mean that which you and your entire brethren continually squelch from me and each other!?! That Holy Spirit?! The one GOd sent us?! The one Jesus sent us?! That one?! Fuck you! You say you want freedom of soul- but not if it goes outside of your worship order. You say you are a place of renewal- but not if it makes you uncomfortable, embarrassed, flabbergasted, agitated, bothered. Fuck you.


But, I love you where you're at. Just stop telling me that you want me to be a part of your change- because you refuse to change! Leave me the fuck alone! Figure out your shit and then get back to me. Fuck you, my friend. Fuck you. You drive me fucking insane.


We should get freaked out! We should go "What the fuck was that?!" We should scream and shout! Fall on knees! Fall on our fucking faces! We should freeze up, gasping for air! We should be dumbfounded! Terrified! Horribly overjoyed! Hysterical! Wake up and listen to the souls around you- that is the Holy Spirit! Quiet and riot. That is the Holy Spirit. I hope you shit yourself the next time you ask anyone to share about the Holy Spirit. You cannot fathom or pretend to entertain that which you deny. The Holy Spirit means there is a spiritual realm means there are angels, demons, rank and file of kingdoms working to capture us- with love or with endless death. Until you acknowledge the Lord God and ALL that is the Lord's - you leave me the fuck out of it. I'm tired of your sissy shit-faced labels, PowerPoint, broke ass limericks and soul-numbing metaphors that pack God, Jesus, Humanity, everything into 'words to live by" on sale now for just $9.95. Shut up, man. Just shut the fuck up and go somewhere else.


I have to go to Spanish class. I don't know everything. I am not the Bible/Jesus/God/ Holy Spirit king of knowledge. I just know what I know. I don't judge my old church. I do get fucking angry angry angry with them. What else with family? I just won't do it anymore. I love you, and that's it. I don't belong with you. Hopefully you'll figure out why.

Bendiciones en el Espiritu Santu; para todos. Yo tambien. Verdad.

anxiety anxiet anxiety Thursday

Fast & Furious- YOU SUCK. Oh, Vin Diesel...lame.



I feel better now that it's all out there.


I am driving to Idaho tomorrow morning. Not before dying in step-class at the gym. Hurts so good. Gah. I am coming back early Sunday to help so that I don't feel guilty about being gone next Sunday for the 100 Monkeys concert. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
I need to pack my shiz.


My Canadian friend may be (yes only one maha) crashing at my place next month. Hot. She rules. Mostly because she is almost as crazy as I am. :)


I need to go swimming, right now.

hola, me llamo Monday

I just got back from Spanish uno (community course at the jc). I did take it in High School and I have been to Espana and South America, etc. But, I really want to refresh and enjoy the true beginners in my class. "I will be doing lead vocals and shhhhrrredding guitar."


Does this bother anyone else:

A watched pot never boils.
An unwatched stew boils over.


Anyone? Bueller?


"Dinner tonight?" "No." "Jake."

2 boiled eggs, 1 1/2 cups of green beans with paprika and olive oil, one gluten free bun and tons o honey. Side- home toasted almonds with sesame seeds. Get in my bellay.

Currently listening to a mix of Sade's Lover's Rock album with Marketa Irglova and Glen Hansard. (sigh of supereme contentment).


I have decided that sunblock is my lover. Mmmm, feels so right.

listening to the sundays Thursday

I am going to paint my entryway and the wall which connects to it; some shade of blue. I am also going to paint the back wall of my kitchen, as it is within my stunted reach.

Breakfast today happened before 12pm, that's a good start. One bowl of oatmeal with honey and rice milk; washed down with one glass of orange juice- with pulp, of course.

Can't find my iPod currently. Kind of a bummer, but it will turn up.

Is anyone else really excited (and shouldn't be) about the Fast and the Furious coming out tonight? I claim my shame. Rock on.

Movies I am waiting for:

Sunshine Cleaning
Year One (I can't take it!)
Observe and Report (could go really bad or really awesome)
The Proposal (!!!)
Alien Trespass (please be awesome!)
Adventureland (fo shiz)
The Soloist
X-Men Origins (addict)
Star Trek (!!!!)
[I'm going to watch the Terminator movie...please be good)
Night at the Museum sequel
Up (dude)
My Life in Ruins (looks hilarious)
Transformers dos
Public Enemies (I'm debating my bravery to watch the intensity)
Harry Potter (of course)
Funny People
Where the Wild Things Are (yeeeuh!)
New Moon (of course)
2012 (anything Cusack is a lover)




That's a good list to look forward to this year.

I joyfully do not give a fucking ass shit of a damn ever; Sunday

I am happy.

Really happy. In myself.


Fucking fucking happy.

(smiley sigh)

every word you said Thursday

I am going to die. Inside myself I am an ancient woman. I have existed in the world of the old before I could walk. They were my friends. I am one of them. My physical age, my physical appearance, they are not who I am. Now. I am old inside. I am looking out from the winter of my life within my heart. My mind, my soul. My spirit. There are moments, even days when I am rushed with joy and I am young inside. I am an old soul with a youthful heart, perhaps. I am impassioned.

clair de lune Wednesday night

it's currently 11:11. and I am Phil.1:21.

Death is my constant companion. The experience of dying will most surely be unpleasant, terrifying...heartbreaking. Death himself, and the Way that is Death, existence in Death- living not in this world...he attends me. Rather, I attend him. I have been casual and comfortable with him since childhood. I watched him allure my toddler sister toward a 4-lane highway in the night. I looked at his face as I ran to stop her. I held no anger for him when she fought my heaving grip around her to go to meet him. She did not know; I did. He filled the halls of my life. He waited for me. He observed the man my mother chose second as he continually showed her how to dance with dying. She stayed. Thus, Sir Death stayed with me.

I feared him only once before I had married. The night I cursed God...which I directly took back when Death leered over my blackness. His other face. I walked with death, I wanted him, the night I went into surgery. I wanted Heaven. Every time I woke after that I waited not to wake again. Wished for it. I simply wanted to be home. Home. With Jesus. For me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain. Now I am married. Death is with me. We are too close to let go. We need each other. Yet, my husband needs me here. I love my husband.

I cherish our existence; human, earthbound. The cracks in my heart want more. Want Death. And, so, Heaven. God. Jesus. Piercing fire and the mighty hand of God reaching out to me, to Creation and all within- crashing over us with Love. Power. Ferocity exuding triumph; Love, Power; God Almighty. Death waits for me. And I wait for Death. The Angel of Death passes me by. For now. What do I do with my existence here? I love. Love is my sword and shield. God is Love. Death and I walk hand in hand. Love and I live. When I die, I will be with Love. I will be with God. And that...is all that I want.

Goodnight Death. Goodnight Love. You will be with me, always. And I love you.
I love you God. King of Life, King of Death, King of Love.
You are my King.
And I love you.
Goodnight God.

but I thought yesterday was Thursday weird; it's Saturday Morning.

Going to the store! Gettin some stuff! Need to clean my house! Exclamation point!

23 minutes til friday Thrusday

and I'm just so f'ing tired but I do not want to go to sleep. but i do. but i don't. and I am f'ing tired.

no reason still Tuesday

I'm really tired. The kind of tired where your mouth tastes like stomach and life looks like grease smeared on glass. That tired.

Do you ever observe that you are alone- truly alone in that moment. psychologically, physically, philosophically alone. I have those spurts. Not spurts, rather, small washings over of numbness in the deep knowledge within my person. All of the stars and cosmic matter speed by while I sit cross legged and watch myself; sitting alone. Content, but well aware that there is more than contentment somewhere. Then the electric silence slows down right in front of my reflecting face. I get up off of the cold ground and find somebody to love. Or, go take a nap. Whichever is readily available at that moment. Still, I am alone. Pieces of me are not alone. That is good. Pieces that I share with others.

A wise man once said "You are not as fat as you imagine" this is a True, but more importantly he said "Don't be reckless with other people's hearts; don't put up with people who are reckless with yours." That is where I am. I kicked out all of the people who were/are reckless with my heart. Now I am down to a rare few; those being in the beginning stages. And, in turn, I am striving to not be reckless with the hearts of others. So, I am alone. For now. Sometimes. When space speeds up and goes quiet.

And that's ok, Jesus. That's ok for now.

everybody is irish Tuesday

Sometimes Jimmy Fallon is my guitar hero. Just fyi.

Today:

Woke up, went back to sleep. Woke up two hours later when my husband called from Iraq to say he would be playing poker with the guys. Got up, puked in the bathroom for awhile. Went back to sleep. Woke up one hour later when my husband called again to say goodnight. Got up, got dressed. Made my checklist for the day. Let the cat out of the garage (which he spent the night in for sitting on the toaster). Said hey to my roomie (she ditched school to study for school...). Went to Downtown, picked up my iPod (wew!). Went to Home Depot, got weed and feed and all those yard things. Called a friend to see if she could do lunch- negatory. Next stop, Jiffy Lube- oil change, new filter, woot. Off to Costco- coupons for paper products (ho ya). Tra'la'la'la'la to the college for my Spanish books. (Went back and forth from the bookstore to registration and a lot of paperwork- and theeeeeeeeeen got my stuff- woo!)

And now I am chillin at the casa watching whatever Monday night shows are online today- whatever ones I deem watch-worthy. (and ya, I use the real websites- abc, cbs, fox, and all that). Driving around is crazy sometimes.

Technically it's not but I don't care Thursday

6 minutes past.


I am so tired I could fall over and sleep deliciously.


I spent the day writing quartered increments of pricing on little green, pink, and yellow dots. The dots went on my items for sale and the items went into some semblance of a category. Sunny Saturday morning is taking away my stuff! Woot! Yard Sales are THE American past-time; fo shizzle.


I found an oatmeal raisin cookie in my purse this morning- I bought it last night and forgot about it. It kind of has a baking soda aftertaste...ya...

I joined Twitter today after watching an episode of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon on NBC.com full episode player. Freaking hilarious! Their trying to make this random guy from that night's audience more followed on Twitter than the 'Bama. I want to go to there. hahahahahaha.

My favorite color is crazy vibrant deep blue, with the rainbow prismness coming in second, followed by the trio of black/red/white. Yumm.


I am going to take a shower now. Showers rule.

!Everybody Mambo!

Video Heroes Wednesday

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jk_9zqt1Rw4

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1901368

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8t2I2bfAy3Y

I had tea with Ken Loyd this morning. He's a normal, fucked up human being- just like me :) He is a normal, fucked up human being in love with Jesus and all the other fucked up human beings- whether they love Jesus or not- just like me. Now, keeping it real here folks- I am not anywhere near the unchained freedom of love for LOVE's sake- but I want it. I want it like I want water; I drink around 192 ounces per day (no joke). I want it more than that! Tonight I sat in on more fucked up people that love loving because Jesus. (not a typo there). After I listened in on their hopes, needs, and daily blah blah that makes the miracle of love happen in their Home, we hit the pub. And talked more Jesus, LOVE, life, shit- everything real.

God, I am half scared shitless of going in head first into a group of people with which I have .05 in common, and, half wanting to cry, burst sunshine, dance, pass out, stare in awe, you name it good things express til You laugh at me, thankful. Thank you Jesus. Take this where You want it to go; where you want me to go.

Really need to sleep but do not want it Monday

I just need somewhere. Not somewhere to sit and behave. Somewhere to exist fully, violently alive.


(exhale)


song of the moment- Cigarettes and Wedding Bands by Band of Horses

I like stink-mouth Asian snacks Saturday!

I finished my final can of chicken noodle soup today. I still get random aches in my hands and have a croggy cough. Fun part- I've sneezed at least 5 times yesterday and again today! (Sneezing is a lover of mine) This does, however, produce the drippy right nostril. Almost in the clear, folks.

My cat has been battering my walls with an old kabuki brush- that keeps him out of my hair until he is ready to purr and sleep like a normal cat. :)

Conflict:

This church that my husband and I were a part of (still hang with the people; don't go to Sundays)- they want me to share about communion on Easter.

It would be impolite (right term?)to just show up for the communion and then leave. It will be infuriating to sit through the entire service; IF they are still doing what they have been doing. They've changed places and great lights (Moon for the Sun) since my last visit. They are not doing anything really wrong. It's just not where I am supposed to be, damn it. When I would try to explain this to people there I would get cut off like I was choosing the Dark Side. Anger and frustration. I love the people. I hate the mode of communal worship they are choosing. meh. Conflict.

I am really really liking my current read- A Whole New Mind by Daniel H. Pink. I think I am going to read it twice in order to really absorb everything. I kind of let my mind go on tangents when I read something interesting and I miss the in-between paragraphs. :)

More sick than yesterday-lame-o mick lame sauce Thursday

1 '40 ounce, 5 '20 ounce, 5 tubes, 2 cans, 1/2 a box. Gatorade, crackers, soup and tissues are my life this week. woot.

On the upside, my cat is asleep instead of tripping me while racing in circles like a crazy through the house. (ahhhhh...)

I think I just breathed through my right nostril- a feat not done for a couple of days here folks- good news.

I have so many great, deep, boggling toughts in my brain- but I have no form to express them by right now. Jesus knows. It woul dbe nice if I could know, too. ;) meh, whatchagonnado?

Not as sick as yesterday Wed'nes'day

So excited! Learned a new phrase from a facebook comment:(Bahaha)


"Oh Hell to the Naw!" Hoh, choo make-a me laugh!


Been livin' on orange Gatorade, galletas saltines, Progresso soup, and Advil for a couple days. I may be on the upswing :) My house is littered with tissue piles....I'll get to those after full recovery...

Here are my Pandora.com stations right now, in random order here folks:

Edith Piaf
Dispatch
Kings of Leon
Paramore
Stomp
Mary J. Blige
Sigur Ros
Kirk Franklin
Dave Matthews Band
Eisley
Band of Horses
Amalia Rodrigues
Bon Iver
U2
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Jim Croce
Marc Antony
Led Zeppelin
Jack Johnson
Paul Simon
The White Stripes
Michael Jackson
Death Cab for Cutie
Gipsy Kings
Jem
Sitar Ritual
Dulce Pontes
Claude Debussy
Sade
Rob Pattinson
Cat Stevens
John Mayer
Leonard Cohen

Top five of the moment?

1. Amalia Rodrigues
2. Rob Pattinson
3. Bon Iver
4. Edith Piaf
5. Mary J. Blige


yay music and the arts!!!!!viva la musica de me vida!

Friday- we forgot

ps I am currently reading A Whole New Mind (Why Right-Brainers Will Rule the Future) by Daniel H. Pink.

Please have something for me!!

[currently listening to The Sundays and just finished up some Live)


I wish I had a big kitchen that could feed the world.

What do you want from me God?! I ask in submission and exasperation.

Meh. I'll wait; where am I going anyway? :) Still somehow good inside today. Probably because I made berry banana pancakes for my roommate this morning- that was fun. Surprise!

Feeling Nothing Imparticular Friday Afternoon

I currently have Relax (Take it Easy) by Mika on my iTunes party playlist. Previously it was Baby it's Cold Outside by Dinah Shore. I faked a shower this morning. I kind of take on each night to wash my face and slough off the day. So, this morning I maneuvered my dome into the bathroom sink and soaked my hair as much as possible as I was not in my average patient morning mood. It didn't turn out very attractive due to my impatience. Bonnet day everyone.

Mmmm, The Proclaimers just came on...aaaaaah, I turn into jasmine vapor and float away. yay.

Well, I was running around with my husband these past days; celebrating his leave from Iraq. We rocked his mom's 50th with his family for 4 days and then escaped the draft to Canada! (jk) But we did go to Vancouver Island and then Vancouver City. Freaking sweet awesome trip! Sunshine everyday- that is unnatural.

[Fave movies crossing my mind right now: Fool's Rush In and Mama's Boy]

Back to Canadia- Victoria, BC is lovely. We hit up whale watching, Butchart Gardens (amazing!), and general meandering tourist places- oh ya! Craidorroch Castle! Crazy Victorian age and people building little 4 story castles for themselves. crazy.

Taking the ferries from America to the island to the mainland of BC were spectacular trips! I tried to imagine seeing the villages of the first peoples past the beaches we floated by. Breathtaking.

We hung out with our friends who just moved to Vancouver city last month to start a church/community/something God'Jesus up there. Their apartment sits above quirky shops and overlooks a happenin' park full of kids. ps, their walls are bright ducky yellow and it is magic. We found a Portuguese Club and a Portuguese restaurant- and, of course, my Portuguese husband had as experience both. Not bad. the club has good Caldo Verde, not the restaurant. The Restaurant was called Casa Verde and it wasn't bad; but I think we won't go again. The clubo gets a second chance.

We discovered this fabulous fabulous I want to eat there every day place called True North Gelato. Rustic personal pizza's done the old school way-mmmm. And, fresh, homemade gelato that hint of Eden's gardens- just sayin. It's good stuff to the max. The Irish Times Pub had great music the night we went- we're pretty sure it was Bob Dylan's aura manifested.

Word to the wise- don't eat at any of the places claiming to be Victoria's #1 whatever- they all tanked. Lame bucket of chum sauce. Ya. Well, you could try the Waterfront steakhouse, but it was kind of awkward where we were- try the lounge.bar instead of main seating.

Well, we drove back to America and met up with 'friends' the next day. It's awkward. Basically they all give me a panic attack in the environment we have in common- a church. And- I let them all know two months ago that he was coming on leave from Iraq and what day and time to come over- and I reminded them twice. Thanks for showing up everyone- not. We have our genuine friends from the bunch well in heart- so, no real surprise at the rest I suppose.

[arg, I cannot find The Venetian Citizen's Waltz on iTunes and I am sad]

On a happier note- I planned an awesome surprise party for my husband with a select group of close friends at his favorite place- of course, it is Portuguese. Brazilian if you want to get technical bla bla. I blindfolded him with my pink elastic headband- baha, so great. He and no idea and it was a wonderful night for everyone.

The last two days we spent alone together, doing nothing. We had the boys he mentors over for pizza ans catching up (but we forgot his birthday! we just found out and we are fixing that situation!) The next day we bought him some much needed pants, had Chipotle, watched some tv episodes online, and enjoyed his last days this trip. It was a special trip, thank you God for letting us see so any people we care for and blessing our marriage with this time together. :)


I think I am blogged out for now... (sigh) :)

I hate my cat and I wish he would run away forever Monday

This weekend I painted my room- I am crazy. Aside from smears on the baseboards and the ceiling, it looks good. Now I just need to brave the fiendish dishes and laundry haunting my house. It's times like these when I summon my inner Beastmaster.

Band of the day- Mika.

My husband is totally cleaning the litter box when he gets here tomorrow. Kitty's welcome home present.

Jesus, what if I don't wake up in the morning? I guess that's all up to you, really. I just want to be living right by you- am I? I don't know. I want to. That's where I am. Help me move where you want me to go.


WTF Adam and Eve.

Weirdy Dreamy Thursday morning

It took me forever to fall asleep last night. When I did it was for short spurts of unconsciousness. I had a nightmare that my friend just walked away and never saw me again. I had a nightmare that her brother did the same soon after. I had a nightmare that my family lived in my house but I was back in high-school and we were cussing each other out (like the 'good old days') and it all ended up being my fault (like the 'good old days'). Then I had a nightmare that just had me in random situations with people who had left my life, that I had left theirs, or that were just about out of my life but are too afraid to just get it over with. Needless to say I am ass tired (whatever that means but that is what came to mind). I have to go take a shower and shave my legs now so that I can go spend the day helping a loved one scour and organize her life. That I will enjoy- just please, Jesus, don't let me be a slow-poke in my tiredness.

What a night. What a morning.

I really want to type the F-word but for some reason I am not going to right now Wednesday

God- where do I belong!!!! I know that Jesus people are supposed to get connected- but where do you want me to go and do that?! I need at least some shard of a base camp or something! Where!
(sigh)


Message to Nameless Church guy-

'Thank you for the books.

Maybe, instead of asking for contact info right of the bat, you guys could just take people to lunch or have lunch after the gathering. That way you just chill and get to know the people first.

That is less contractual for us skeptics of organized church.

Don't ask us to commit, just ask us to lunch.'

( I know that guy didn't mean anything by it, but it sent me off and here I go again:)

Ask me to lunch, damn it! Stop asking me to warm your fucking seats with my well behaved ass to be a number! Stop talking at me and start talking WITH me! LISTEN TO ME!!! Stop patronizing me! Stop glamorizing me! I am just a fucking fucked up child of God- just like you; so admit that you're fucked up too and get over it! Stop trying to get it all together, stop using fucking power point- STOP TALKING MORE THAN YOU ARE LISTENING TO US!!! We keep trying to say this to you but you won't shut up long enough to let it through! Just be our friend and let the rest go, damn it. Start there.

(sigh)

Tuesdizzle

Undercooked pasta depresses me- deep down...gah! My soul hurts! How could I let this happen!?! Why? Oh Why!!! Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! A-go-ny!! A-go-ny!! And then, they came out half cold from the reheat....(fetal position...while maintaining the capacity to type). Oh, what a world!!!! (internal sobbing)


There's only one thing in existence to right this wrong!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcJwz7wu8_s

Mmmmonday

6 more weeks of Winter, folks. Happy Groundhog's Day! I'm going to celebrate with an ice cold bowl of crunchy cereal!

http://www.cleveland.com/travel/index.ssf/2009/01/have_a_frontrow_seat_for_groun.html

-Totally going next year!!

Check out Phil's official website! http://www.groundhog.org/

Super Sunday

I think I am on the verge of becoming a complete vegetarian. It's been slowly creeping up over the past few years. I don't really do red meat- or poultry for that matter. I am currently succumbing to shrimp and fish; too good to pass up. (And since padre in law is making ciopinno in two weeks- I refuse to renig.)

I am pretty much over the vaccination induced fever of yesterday (yay Western medicine). maybe I'll eat something besides low-sodium crackers and cold water today...

Well, back to the vegemiteness. I am definitely going to subscribe to the Vegetarian Times magazine. There is also this fab (not veg) website for grocery shopping locally- spud.com . I don't think they serve everywhere, but I bet contacting them could get you resources for your area. Totally jived to use it!


One of my super super favorite songs of the moment has been Pressure Drop by Toots and the Maytals; it just fills me up with goodness! Sooooo good!

Oh! ps! Happy February everyone! Tomorrow is one of my most favorite holidays every- Groundhog's Day! Next year, I am totally dragging my husband up to see Punxsutawney Phil! It's just so ridiculous, I can't resist! It makes me giddy on the point of hysteria! (satisfied sigh) Punxsatawney Phil is my homeboy...er, groundhog. (baha)


I am on my third reading of the Twilight saga. Now I can slowly devour each page; catching all the details I missed. Mmm happiness. I am halfway through Eclipse and soaking it up. My obsession stems from being away from my husband for an extended period of time. Oh, love stories. If it wasn't this series it would be Sense and Sensibility, Jane Eyre, Rose Daughter, and Spindle's End absconding with my time. (smile)

Today's song is dedicated to my husband- Doctor My Eyes by Jackson Browne.
To you, darling, for belting this chorus everywhere we went for 3 months straight. here's to you, you musical anomaly, I wouldn't have you any other way. (smiley sigh) I love you.

Well, time to get down domestic style and shake up this shin dig (clean el casa). Love you World full of People.

Holy Shit Thursday

I have a gym membership. I go, treadmill it out for an hour and then swim it out for an hour- wash up and I'm done. Since cat was at the groomers for 4 hours I was gonna shake my touchas at the gym til he was done. Right.

I increased my speed and incline today- feelin' good. My purple love iPod cranked out my workout mix (which I will add at the end here). The first 30 minutes had me happily sweating and breathing deeply- the norm. Well, I figured I would step it up and jog for 5 minutes. It was tough during the last minute but I pushed through and felt good...for about 1 second. Then I pretty much tried not to die.

I thought the sinking into oblivion feeling would dissipate once I slowed down- nay. I've had this happen twice before- once with food poisoning and once with being overheated. Let me break it down for you.

The muscles in my neck tighten, as do the muscles in the back of my head. My hearing starts to fade- like someone is slowly placing a fish bowl over my face; with a far off electric humming sound joining in. Next, my eyesight sucks in to tunnel vision and then I pass out or puke or both.

Once I realized my hearing was not recovering and my eyesight was being sucked through a straw I peaced out of that machine and tried to walk it off. I started to lose control of my breathing and my eyes were still going black. Well, the only thing to do at that crossroads is say shit over and over again until you can breath properly; it seemed to help. Once I could semi-breathe in a rhythm, I made myself get down the stairs to the main floor, if I was going to pass out in spite of myself; all the while quietly chanting my four letter mantra. I couldn't let myself be that kid- the kid that passes out at the gym- all sweaty and gross...I refuse!

I made it back to the women's locker room with my eyes finally pulling back around. I paced the tile floors with my arms over my head- the breathing thing was still eluding me. I finally doused my face in cold water for awhile and got a hold of myself. WTF; I can't believe I almost passed out in a public place over a 5-minute jog at 4mph on a 1.5 incline on an f'ing treadmill. How embarrassing. Who does that? (my lame ass)(hahaha!)

Well, I gave unconsciousness the finger and spent the next hour on my abs and arms- with plenty of breathing breaks. Gumption-1: Embarrassment and Death- 0.

(I'm a crazy person)


For those of you who love exercise without all the death, here's my workout mix:
-Set it on shuffle and you have deliciousness-
(Don't judge, just embrace)

Billionaire by Eartha Kit
Can't Turn Away by The Plain White T's
Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Baby by Barry White
Freakum Dress by Beyonce
Move Yo Body by Eiffel 65
World Wide Woman by Beyonce
Young Hearts Run Free by Kym Mazelle
Sha-la-la-la-la by Dreamhouse
Take Your Time (Do It Right) by The S.O.S. Band
Damn Girl by Justin Timberlake
Don't Stop Me Now by Queen
Pressure Drop by Toots & The Maytals
Angel by Gavin Friday
Faded by soulDecision
Green Light by Beyonce
La, La, La by Jon Secada
Local God by Everclear
Pa' Bailar- Siempre Quiero Mas by Bajofondo
Don't Stop the Music by Rihanna
Summer Love by Justin Timberlake
Under Pressure by Boyz II Men
Track 16 from Dance Power, Vol. 6 II
Track 13 from Dance Power, Vol. 6 II
Tell Me Why by Prezioso
Shoot To Thrill by AC/DC
Sandstorm by Darude
You Give Love a Bad Name by Bon Jovi
Paradise City by GunsnRoses
Keep Your Hands to Yourself by Georgia Satellites

Wednesday, but I thought it was Tuesday

Yesterday, I decided my beast of a vehicle needed a wash. 5 bucks buys you 5 minutes of magic. I put it into neutral and let the siren song of sloshing machines carry me away. There's nothing like watching glints of sunlight through frothy suds as they slather over you; all while soaking up the musical bliss that is Journey. (sigh of deep satisfaction). I love the car wash. L-O-V-E, LOVE IT. (sigh numero dos de felizidades de mi corazon). :^]

I just finished reading the Twilight saga, for the second time. I just want to hug it and never let go! (I'm listening to the soundtrack as I type- on my brand spankin new iPod nano purple baby- Freakin' Freak Ya!!!). I'm disappointed in the Nike Flow headphones I purchased- I'll be trading those in for something more conducive to not-man-ears. Geez.

Guess what? I am 80% likely to be an egg donor- what the what! I know! I was a tad enthusiastic about the good news and sent about 20 pictures (they asked for around 6). I don't know what kind of shots are needed when looking for someone whose eggs you want. Haha- the only picture of me as a little kid had me with my leotard stuffed with boob-balloons, posing like Dolly Parton. Baha, hopefully potential parents think it's funny and not "whoa..ok.." Haha.

If I wasn't going to be accepted by this group, I was seriously considering piercing my nose or getting a lil' tattoo for myself. (You can't have been recently pierced or inked to be a donor). So, we'll see- there is still potential for a no. I am leaning towards the tattoo idea. I envision something in Greek or Aramaic behind my ear. Oooo, maybe in a pale metallic gold...hmmm. Something to think about.

Tomorrow I take the kitten to get shaved, bathed, and manicured- life is so good when that's taken care of. I'll be rocking my iPod at the gym awhile kitty gets a spa day. Of Course I'll have to trek over to the Mac place and fix the headphone situation afterword. (ps I am in like with Paramore right now).

Other mundane facts... I'll get my night guard next Monday, hot. I'll meet the egg donor people Tuesday, if it's all still a go. I really want a plate of deviled eggs, right now. Lately I've been able to smell my shampoo with deep clarity- so many flowers in the scent that I had missed before- mmmm good. Chamomile tea rocks.

I think that's it for news of the day.

I can't wait to get out of here; out.

Monday

I woke up this morning to my cat licking himself..ya. 6am and time to take out the trash before kids walk to the bus stop (don't want any screams at my Medusa morning mojo). There was a lovely icy sheet veiling the world under the still out stars. Back to bed until my cat, again, decided I needed to snap out of it and let him run around the house like a greyhound. Once the little guy kicks it- that's it for my cat experiences (he's my husband's best friend; not so much mine).

My plume never ceases to amuse my overseas husband during our video calls. That's what he gets, it takes time for this girl to get her hair under wraps. (Thus my obsession with fabulous bonnets). It was an especially good call during the final ten minutes. We shared what we needed most from each other at this point in our marriage; I, my need for verbal affirmation and praise, he, his need for my happiness and sanity. The duration consisted of watching my husband smile adoringly at me from my computer screen as I told him of the peace he has given me. All I want from this season of life is quiet, peace, and simplicity. He worried that I was going out of my marbles stuck at home while he is gone. (Baha! Right.) My husband has given me alone time that I may never have again. I get to sleep as much as I need, eat when and what I please, travel where and when I please. I've started painting and have seen a delicious plethora of films; deliciously solo. I am blissfully content in my heart with the life my husband gives me. I am the frickin' happiest stay-at-home wife on the planet! The only thing that would improve my happiness- his effervescent presence. I adore him and will have him here with me again soon. We of course continued to converse in honey dripping declarations of love that you don't need to hear. Yay marriage ;^]


Today was a lemon-pie sky. I didn't even need a jacket- cha ching. Pick up cat food (adult stuff now- here's hopin'), schedule kitty's shave (oh ya, I do)/bath/claw caps appointment, and then off to the dentist to book my life away to grating steel mouth... Lucky me! I didn't brush my teeth this morning and they have an opening right now! Awesome. Turns out I have "beautiful teeth" according to my hygienist of the day, Brenda. Whew! Tomorrow- pasty mcpaste mouth appointment in the am. H-O-T. Blinkin' teeth grinding.


Homeward bound to bland Chinese food roommate leftovers I went; nothing a little soy sauce and sesame seeds couldn't fluff. Fiddled around with e-mail, myspace, facebook, blah blah blah. And for dessert? Honey Toasted O's straight from the big ol' cheap bag with an ice cold rice milk chaser. Heavenly. Nothing tops that mix but a little Desperate Housewives. I sniffled. I have become a sap on a graduated scale since the last Spring for some reason. For example, while sitting in the lobby of the dental office (resignedly waiting for my receipt- which takes about 20 minutes to print for some reason...) a male name was called from the hall by a sweet faced 20-something girl in scrubs. That set off the waterworks of one very worked up 8-year old. Even with the smile from his mother, holding his shaking hand- my eyes brimmed and I wanted to get out of there. I can't listen to kids cry! I start crying! I try to stop, telling myself there is nothing I can do to soothe the creature(s)- and that starts me bawling all over again. What a mess. Don't even get me started on that stupid Prego commercial with that blasted violin music...gaaah!


So, now I am listening to my iTunes. My "Gooda" playlist is on shuffle as I pluck out pumped tunes proper for plunking along on the treadmill and/ or stair machine. I am finally going to go and buy an ipod (I know, I know). Tomorrow night I will be one with the mob. Oh ya. (And I'm gonna like it).


Today is the day the nation of the United States of America remembers one of my great and triumphant heroes, Martin Luther King, Jr. Someday we will have peace- either by God's hand ending our existence, or by slow and steady compassion among our species. Someday, we will have Second Eden. Dr. King showed us a portal and now holds it open with his martyrdom along with all who have died in the name of love. He knew the embracing blindness of true brotherhood, sisterhood; true love. I want to be like him.