sitting in my pajama pants Thursday morning

(Black Bird by Guess Who)

Last night was the first night in years that I have talked about my cancer with someone other than my husband. It was weird explaining short details in a noisy bar without monopolizing conversation. It's easy to keep on talking when you've had a big something like that in your life- especially when it dictates daily life still. It will be interesting to see where that conversation pops up now with that new group of mates. i am open to sharing my experience but I am always wary of creating drama. Do you know what I mean? I don't want to be that kid sucking life out of other people by always one-up'ing the conversation with cancer stories, abuse stories, etc. There's always a fine line there waiting to be crossed. Crazy stuff in that arena of my world :) It's slightly nerve-racking knowing that I am now going to have that conversation in varying degrees with a lot of people in the near future.

melencholy yet pleasing Wednesday night

I know that I am abnormal. Very, very abnormal. I am not even normal enough to induce affinity with those who consider themselves rejects/misfits/abnormal. I love them and thus I keep showing up. :)

early perfect morning Wednesday

(Fleet Foxes in my space)

It's amazing how the presence of another person alters you. My cat is sleeping snuggly n the middle of a queen sized bed where two snug little ladies were not 1 hour ago. Now one is driving home for the next 3 hours and the other is sitting comfortably in her skivs writing about love. Philos love; the love of friends, commrades, brothers, sisters...that love. I don't want to put her toothbrush away in it's plastic baggy, awaiting her return in a cupboard drawer. It's a momento of her presence and our precious time shared. Sleepy half conversations at the kitchen table. Mumbled bits of stories from our pillows before succombing to dreamland. Pleasant nothings expressed over tea looking out the sliding glass doors to a rainy morning. Nothing of paramount importance to the scholar or the news anchor. Still, more important than any piece of public consciousness. Thank you Jesus for friends. thank you for my life. I don't know what to do with it most days- but I am truly truly thankful all days. thank you for my friend.

Blowing you all a kiss and sending a mental hug.....yep. :)

haven't taken a shower yet Friday :)

I wish there were a magical world where the sun shone all day and one never had a sunburn. The nights were always warm with a cool breeze. Peace and quiet. Music and dancing. Life.

I have more- but it will come to me, and ,thusly, you, later.

wed...

I know where I am. If you feel or think that I am not being who I am; that's on you. When I am sharing what I am working on in my life and you call me out on the one glitch in my system- that's your heart fucking with you; and I hope you work it out. I am a changing being. My beliefs change. My living out of my beliefs changes. Information changes my mind, my heart, my mode of living, thinking, being, feeling, understanding of the world. Get the fuck over yourself and be real- that's what I say to myself everyday. And I am saying it to you. I'm just a fucked up hurting person- and so are you. I understand your denial- I used to be in denial. Maybe I'm not like you. Maybe you don't like me because of something you hate in yourself, your past, or I am not someone you want in your life. That's fine. I understand that most thoroughly. And, I'm good with that.

I am not the same me as I was yesterday. I will not be the same me that I am today. Anyone who condemns me for this is a broken person. I have nothin gbut love for you. Ya, it hurts when you sling at me, but not enough to take me down. Not enough to make me take you down. I'm good now. I'm learning to know myself. The only one knowing me more is God- not you, but nice try. I'll try not to act like I know you more, either. Working on it. Working on all of the shit in my life. Only God is the answer. Whatever that looks like.

I love you. I love me. I love Jesus. The rest is forming.

fucking mad at people I heart Wednesday

I want to go to my old church and yell "You are a douche!"

My kinda-friend I sometimes helped to lead singing with called to ask me if I was going to be around this Sunday. Nay can do because I am going to see the freaking 100 Monkeys!!!! He wanted to know if I would share about the Holy Spirit and said maybe next time when I said outa country yo.

I wanted to scream at him. Holy Spirit! You mean that which you and your entire brethren continually squelch from me and each other!?! That Holy Spirit?! The one GOd sent us?! The one Jesus sent us?! That one?! Fuck you! You say you want freedom of soul- but not if it goes outside of your worship order. You say you are a place of renewal- but not if it makes you uncomfortable, embarrassed, flabbergasted, agitated, bothered. Fuck you.


But, I love you where you're at. Just stop telling me that you want me to be a part of your change- because you refuse to change! Leave me the fuck alone! Figure out your shit and then get back to me. Fuck you, my friend. Fuck you. You drive me fucking insane.


We should get freaked out! We should go "What the fuck was that?!" We should scream and shout! Fall on knees! Fall on our fucking faces! We should freeze up, gasping for air! We should be dumbfounded! Terrified! Horribly overjoyed! Hysterical! Wake up and listen to the souls around you- that is the Holy Spirit! Quiet and riot. That is the Holy Spirit. I hope you shit yourself the next time you ask anyone to share about the Holy Spirit. You cannot fathom or pretend to entertain that which you deny. The Holy Spirit means there is a spiritual realm means there are angels, demons, rank and file of kingdoms working to capture us- with love or with endless death. Until you acknowledge the Lord God and ALL that is the Lord's - you leave me the fuck out of it. I'm tired of your sissy shit-faced labels, PowerPoint, broke ass limericks and soul-numbing metaphors that pack God, Jesus, Humanity, everything into 'words to live by" on sale now for just $9.95. Shut up, man. Just shut the fuck up and go somewhere else.


I have to go to Spanish class. I don't know everything. I am not the Bible/Jesus/God/ Holy Spirit king of knowledge. I just know what I know. I don't judge my old church. I do get fucking angry angry angry with them. What else with family? I just won't do it anymore. I love you, and that's it. I don't belong with you. Hopefully you'll figure out why.

Bendiciones en el Espiritu Santu; para todos. Yo tambien. Verdad.

anxiety anxiet anxiety Thursday

Fast & Furious- YOU SUCK. Oh, Vin Diesel...lame.



I feel better now that it's all out there.


I am driving to Idaho tomorrow morning. Not before dying in step-class at the gym. Hurts so good. Gah. I am coming back early Sunday to help so that I don't feel guilty about being gone next Sunday for the 100 Monkeys concert. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
I need to pack my shiz.


My Canadian friend may be (yes only one maha) crashing at my place next month. Hot. She rules. Mostly because she is almost as crazy as I am. :)


I need to go swimming, right now.

hola, me llamo Monday

I just got back from Spanish uno (community course at the jc). I did take it in High School and I have been to Espana and South America, etc. But, I really want to refresh and enjoy the true beginners in my class. "I will be doing lead vocals and shhhhrrredding guitar."


Does this bother anyone else:

A watched pot never boils.
An unwatched stew boils over.


Anyone? Bueller?


"Dinner tonight?" "No." "Jake."

2 boiled eggs, 1 1/2 cups of green beans with paprika and olive oil, one gluten free bun and tons o honey. Side- home toasted almonds with sesame seeds. Get in my bellay.

Currently listening to a mix of Sade's Lover's Rock album with Marketa Irglova and Glen Hansard. (sigh of supereme contentment).


I have decided that sunblock is my lover. Mmmm, feels so right.

listening to the sundays Thursday

I am going to paint my entryway and the wall which connects to it; some shade of blue. I am also going to paint the back wall of my kitchen, as it is within my stunted reach.

Breakfast today happened before 12pm, that's a good start. One bowl of oatmeal with honey and rice milk; washed down with one glass of orange juice- with pulp, of course.

Can't find my iPod currently. Kind of a bummer, but it will turn up.

Is anyone else really excited (and shouldn't be) about the Fast and the Furious coming out tonight? I claim my shame. Rock on.

Movies I am waiting for:

Sunshine Cleaning
Year One (I can't take it!)
Observe and Report (could go really bad or really awesome)
The Proposal (!!!)
Alien Trespass (please be awesome!)
Adventureland (fo shiz)
The Soloist
X-Men Origins (addict)
Star Trek (!!!!)
[I'm going to watch the Terminator movie...please be good)
Night at the Museum sequel
Up (dude)
My Life in Ruins (looks hilarious)
Transformers dos
Public Enemies (I'm debating my bravery to watch the intensity)
Harry Potter (of course)
Funny People
Where the Wild Things Are (yeeeuh!)
New Moon (of course)
2012 (anything Cusack is a lover)




That's a good list to look forward to this year.