I don't give a fuck anymore. The book is closed. The door is open and there are no walls on the other side. That is where I am now. So fuck you all. When I say this, I mean fuck your words. Fuck your everything you have to purport upon me- because, you don't actually give a fucking ass-clown shit about my heart, my mind, my spirit. You're a bunch of fucking tossers and I hope you have a good life. Far the fuck away from me.
I say this in love, whether you believe me or not; that's on you.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
address unknown Tuesday
(listening to some Elvis)
My life is cheerful. My life is sad. My life is mine. For that I am glad.
-original poem by me :]
My life is cheerful. My life is sad. My life is mine. For that I am glad.
-original poem by me :]
Thursday, May 14, 2009
mixed existence Thursday
hung out in downtown portland today with my friends who live outdoors.
it's hard and joyful to sit around with the graduating class of the school of hard knocks. ya, there's crazy in a lot of conversations, but most are just desire for a job. Even so, we laugh together.
it's the most heartbresaking when we run out of foil wrapped burrito's and the bright yellow ikea bag gets tucked under the bench. that's hard. but being there after the food is gone; that's what's important. listening. sharing your time. that's real love. real jesus.
ugly and beautiful.
it's hard and joyful to sit around with the graduating class of the school of hard knocks. ya, there's crazy in a lot of conversations, but most are just desire for a job. Even so, we laugh together.
it's the most heartbresaking when we run out of foil wrapped burrito's and the bright yellow ikea bag gets tucked under the bench. that's hard. but being there after the food is gone; that's what's important. listening. sharing your time. that's real love. real jesus.
ugly and beautiful.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
tidying up Wednesday
Opening the windows is refreshing. (To be cliche-ish). Now if I could just open the window to my self all the way... :0}
I need to freaking learn freaking German! ( I just remembered, hence the outburst). Time to call my friend from Spanish class who is from Germany. (It's funny to me).
I miss listening to Eisley. I used to do it all the time. I recently found their little tab on my pandora list. Reunited and it feels soooo good.
:)
I need to freaking learn freaking German! ( I just remembered, hence the outburst). Time to call my friend from Spanish class who is from Germany. (It's funny to me).
I miss listening to Eisley. I used to do it all the time. I recently found their little tab on my pandora list. Reunited and it feels soooo good.
:)
Thursday, May 7, 2009
A Message to HOME Thursday
I've been asked, by a church I used to go to, to come share a 5 minute something about the Holy Spirit. Where do I feel "nudge" or where/how do I see the Holy Spirit, that sort of thing. 5 bloody minutes to fit into their damn schedule. That's the first answer that came to mind. Then I thought about how I exist in my life; past experiences bordering on miraculous, etc. Then I almost had a panic attack with the desire to go in there and explain why I am never going back to that place. I paused to watch Star Trek. (Wicked awesome distraction btw). Then I thought about Home. I thought about how I knew I was supposed to be with you all as soon as I read the first page of Ken's words in that little book. I thought about Vern and Jeff and all of you that make up my Home. Where I belong. I have come to rest on the image of the Indian woman who comes to help serve food now. She basically takes over and serves everyone else- food and a round of water bottles- before eating. That's discipleship.
That's the Holy Spirit moving before me and around me. People who have not eaten in days, volunteering to serve others before they themselves have anything. And they do it with smiles on their faces. Some believe in God, some hate God, some don't believe anything. But, because you who do this great deed of love towards the unwanted and untouchable, they love each other. I am going to share that with those people who I do love but I cannot be a part of because their fruits just aren't there. I can't take it. Sitting in rows while the soul is stagnated into decrepitude. But I love them and they love God. I just wanted you to know that I see Jesus in Home and all who make Home the place that it is; where I belong.
Mi Casa es Su Casa, Espiritu Santo.
That's the Holy Spirit moving before me and around me. People who have not eaten in days, volunteering to serve others before they themselves have anything. And they do it with smiles on their faces. Some believe in God, some hate God, some don't believe anything. But, because you who do this great deed of love towards the unwanted and untouchable, they love each other. I am going to share that with those people who I do love but I cannot be a part of because their fruits just aren't there. I can't take it. Sitting in rows while the soul is stagnated into decrepitude. But I love them and they love God. I just wanted you to know that I see Jesus in Home and all who make Home the place that it is; where I belong.
Mi Casa es Su Casa, Espiritu Santo.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
homelessness and not homelessness Wednesday
a comment to Mi Casa Speaks which I wrote a wee back:
"It’s hard to change your brain into thinking of people who live outdoors as ‘people’ after being inundated with the ideology that those outside are animals. Maybe, some living outside come to believe that they are animals and lose their spirit, their voice. Even those who live indoors have similar battles of self-depreciation. It seems like it can be a vicious circle of hurt. Simply because of fear of the different, the unknown. It all seems to often be the human condition of existence. Forgiveness of self and those who do harm (intended or otherwise) is a jagged mountain to beat."
An urban outdoorsman shared his observations of responses/reactions to people of the street from people of the indoor-life. read it for yourself via the Mi Casa Speaks link.
"It’s hard to change your brain into thinking of people who live outdoors as ‘people’ after being inundated with the ideology that those outside are animals. Maybe, some living outside come to believe that they are animals and lose their spirit, their voice. Even those who live indoors have similar battles of self-depreciation. It seems like it can be a vicious circle of hurt. Simply because of fear of the different, the unknown. It all seems to often be the human condition of existence. Forgiveness of self and those who do harm (intended or otherwise) is a jagged mountain to beat."
An urban outdoorsman shared his observations of responses/reactions to people of the street from people of the indoor-life. read it for yourself via the Mi Casa Speaks link.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
The Proclaimers 'My Old Friend The Blues' Tuesday
Today I'm just fucking tired. Spirit tired. Body tired. Tired. Contributing factors: delay of shower til, still, later, not eating well until now (which isn't too appetizing), not going to the gym, not doing the laundry, not painting the bathroom, not doing the dishes, not wanting to see any other person. Of course, if anyone called within those I cannot refuse- I would meet them and soon become joyful to simply be in their presence. I've spent my day reading, lying awake in my thoughts. Wondering what I believe. Why do I desperately cling to Jesus- not that I do not want to. Why am I personally running after Jesus and God? Those thoughts. When will I be free of myself? That permeates.
The latter can be remedied by bathing, eating, getting my shit done, going to the gym and swimming in the delicious salt water pool.... The latter? I have no fucking idea. I am not in complete and total despair. I am just floating alone in zero gravity waiting to touch down on God. God is there, here, with me. I am just stuck with what comes next. Or what it is meant to be. Life, me, everything. If I was a butterfly, I would not need to ask. I would be God's purpose for my existence. I want that now. I just want that. I want it.
The latter can be remedied by bathing, eating, getting my shit done, going to the gym and swimming in the delicious salt water pool.... The latter? I have no fucking idea. I am not in complete and total despair. I am just floating alone in zero gravity waiting to touch down on God. God is there, here, with me. I am just stuck with what comes next. Or what it is meant to be. Life, me, everything. If I was a butterfly, I would not need to ask. I would be God's purpose for my existence. I want that now. I just want that. I want it.
Friday, May 1, 2009
annnnnd again Friday
The thing about sharing my life's stories is that, for some reason in this society- Westernized modern, that type- the mindset is "if that experience was more of anything than mine then that person is more valuable than me and my own experiences are no longer valid in this relationship (and possibly this entire life)." I hate it!
Stop thinking like that! All of you! Stop it!
(and me, too) (gah!!! hate!)
Stop thinking like that! All of you! Stop it!
(and me, too) (gah!!! hate!)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)