' i. am.' saturday

a letter to a dear friend of mine. i want to share it.

"I saw this big book in a shop window. i walk by this shop every weekend when i meander to the town center to people watch and ice-cream eat ;) The books in the window are usually photography or art collections, maybe an antique journal or two.

I fell in love.

This big book staring boldy through the glass was covered in a black&white photo of a front-facing naked woman. She stood tall and fierce. Her arms were crossed under her (enormous!) breasts and her pubic hair was wild and shameless. Her face. This is where I fell in love. She had her face turned a little with her chin slightly tilted to the sky.

"I am." That is what she said to me. I want to be that picture. I thought of you on the train; of sending you a a black and white photograph of me NAKED! jumping in the air with the sun behind me! So, just you wait until i find a nude beach. I am going to smile and laugh as BIG as i possibly can! and jump high into the sky! that will be my "I am." "

toxicity and remedy friday

why i live grateful and joyous in my annulment of the woman whom gave birth to me:

i am free and continually free her from the continuum of living-death.

free from phony posing when the reality is one cluster-fuck of psychosis after another.

i am never again an option for her to derail on. She is never again an option for me to ulcerate over.

her money is her choice. her health is her choice. her reactions are her choice. her responsibility.

the poisons have no purchase.

annulled.


thank the One only One.

no toxics go in my heart.

ever never never.

i am rich!!!!! and it's thursday!

this morning i was a little fucking mad.

in My pantry on My shelf are My six boxes of equal quantities regular and fruit granola bars.

i went to My pantry and leaned toward My shelf and picked up one of My six boxes of equal quantities regular and fruit granola bars. IT WAS FUCKING EMPTY!

"damnit. (really emphasized period. .) " husband! these are MY GRANOLA BARS! of which not only am I now out of one ENTIRE BOX! but! my perfectly inventoried ratio of fruit to nut granola bars is COMPLETELY FUCKED TO THE MOON!

i stood there with that empty box of My granola bars and quietly fumed for about 50 seconds.

"what. the. fuck." "What the Fuck." I stopped myself like narcolepsy and stood in a stupor; like the idiot I was being.

'i am hoarding food...from my husband..." "?"

"they're just fucking granola bars. we will buy more when we run out."

i didn't believe that at first. i said it again.

"we WILL buy more when we run out."

i felt better after that one.

i put the empty box in the recycling bin and - I OPENED ANOTHER BOX! MADNESS!!!!

From this revelation I am committing to myself, for the sake of my alegria and that of my husband, to CONQUER THE POVERTY MINDSET; CONQUER THE IMPOVERISHED SELF.

It was like a fucking brick-house i have been living in- i just kicked it down- with no shoes on, betches. i have money to buy granola bars more than once every two or three months. i can buy them once a week! i can do that! and i will be okay! WHAT?!?!?!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is madness :]

and i will take more, please.