utterance.

baking my first cake from scratch since 1996 thursday

2011-09-22T15:54:00.000-07:00

i'm getting my face chopped open. taking out a benign tumor.

be out for October.

doing Novel In November.

may be high time to close this conversation.

what the fuck do i do in it's place?

traveling soon sunday

2011-08-14T02:28:00.000-07:00

i will be gone like a swan song for a while.

good thing i am the only person reading this mishigas.

i love you, me. me, too.

i need to get out of here.

husband drunk dialing other countries saturday

2011-08-12T18:43:00.000-07:00

mostly, i sound like an asshole.

:]

sun morning thursday

2011-08-11T01:42:00.000-07:00

it is summer. it is freezing. i dreamed of snow. thank you for the sun. thank you for this morning.

thank you.

i still mean it

2011-08-04T10:46:00.000-07:00

"WEDNESDAY, JUNE 22, 2011
wednesday
i try to be honest and open. this requires me to trust. and i do. not everyone. relatively few. the few i do; i will bleed myself to be open with. this does not always go well. which is why it is so difficult to open up at all. if i do not live open and honest, though, i am dead. i am trying not to live dead. i have lived dead most of my life.

i have to trust that those i trust know who i am. at least, who i am determined to be. better. stronger. more open.

as i said, this does not always turn out well. i hope a light turns on for us to understand. it is worth it to me.

tell me how i have not proven myself loyal. tell me how i have not proven myself devoted. tell me what i have done to show anti-love and support. otherwise, tell me how you see us moving forward with what is shared. for understanding. it is worth it to me.

i am good at accepting no longer being wanted. i wear it well. this does not stop my being from wanting ones who do not want me. i will let go of those who ask or demand it. so far as my heart can cry. it heals over eventually. the memory dies after 10 or 15 years. maybe. not always. not in important instances. it is worth it to me to stand ground until cut down. because love is worth it.

well, people leave all the time. it's what people do. i stay. i want to stay. not to say that i am not good at leaving. poisonous people have found that i disappear very well. i try my deepest to be certain there is nothing else before walking away. i never like it. i heal and life moves forward.

i grew up in house where i was not able to speak my truth. my real thoughts and feelings. my relationships throughout my life, minus a handful, were the same scenario. i do not want that anymore. i have had the last two years to turn that mountain aside. i still have to walk through the crater it left in it's place. someday there will be a meadow there. and sunlight forever. soft rain and cool lakes. healed. flourish. i move to flourish. i will swim naked there in the haven where once my being rotted in pus and bile. cool, clean water. soft, green grass. quiet, restful peace. flourish. i move to flourish.

forgive me for not realizing how i share was not helpful at all. i was unaware. i would like to work on that. i was open and honest with no intent to injure. please help me know a better way with you. i love you.

i met you and you were fire standing in human form. you awe me. you are THE most striking being i have ever known. i adore you. i admire you. i look up to you in how to face demons in my life & the lives of ones i love. i want to bring you nothing but happiness and safety. i am sorry that i did not do that last time. i did not think i came out that way. i was calm and clear of mind when i shared with you. it came out poorly to you. you do know i have confessed that i am no good at one-on-one communication. this example must be the jewel in that crown i wear. please forgive my way of sharing.

i will try to re-do.

when you left. i was not sure you liked your time with me. i remember unhappy words. some were pointed at me. i felt cornered by my experience of these things. i did not understand why these things would have happened. i took time to be sure i really did feel that this was important. i should have waited and asked you how you would like to communicate about something important i needed to share. you have shared that you had a great time, do not remember many unhappy words & that anything said was not intended as hurtful. i believe you wholeheartedly and am done with it.

we each experienced a case of unintentional injury. the first day i met you, i forgave for anything you would ever say or do. this does not mean that i am not human and do not need to work through anger when hurt- especially when i do not know it was unintentional at the time. i speak strongly when it is important to being real with people i love and give myself to. i do this because you give me strength and courage to do so. you are the one who gave me strength to start saying No to toxic people in my life. so, i want to share pain with you when i feel it. i am glad you shared your pain with me. i am sad that i caused it. please forgive me.

i love you.
POSTED BY ME AT 2:42 AM 0 COMMENTS "

killlers playing in house thusday

2011-08-04T10:35:00.000-07:00

i have a stack of clean laundry on my bed. i will move it to the rug.

i have use of all my limbs and appendages. i have the ability to think critically. when i think about it. my mouth is pink. my nostrils are adequately sized. these are all things i appreciate.

i have halting emotions when remembering negative experiences. i say, "well. how about that." i smile. i breathe deep. i repeat as needed. i am living in the present. i am living now. not there. i live here. now. here. now.

Mmmhmm Monday

2011-08-01T01:19:00.001-07:00

in love with a queen wednesday morning

2011-07-06T01:03:00.000-07:00

i had a dream that i hitched a midnight ride with Freddie Mercury. i confess "i'm kind of in love with you."

he smiles. we cruise under the city lights. his boyfriend sits in the passenger seat and all is right with existing. (ps, this sexy boat of a car has the middle front seat so i lean back, as near as near can be).

thank you sleep brain. thank you.

i kind of relate a little more than i think i should tuesday

2011-07-05T10:31:00.000-07:00

i can't figure out how to make this a link...so copy and paste. it's worth it.

http://whydoihaveablog.net/post/170014308/things-that-shouldnt-give-me-anxiety-but-do-part-5

crazy. but i get it!

grace kelly thursday

2011-06-30T12:34:00.000-07:00

not knowing whether you will have an organ removed is sickening. also, not knowing if the removal of this organ will have permanent peripheral consequences- like never being able to speak again- makes my skin flush and burn in the nausea of permanent unhappiness. just enough to cause an emotional limp. when every skin cell vibrates with knowing of hysteria and resignation. i want to throw up. throw up everything until i heave air. this will not make the pain go away. this will only help the mourning begin. sweaty, snot sledged wailing in the dark corner of my bedroom. my face sticks to the floor. the floor has no empathy. my heart shakes to knife through my sternum and flounder outside of my body until it dies. that is how the emotional limp feels in the beginning. after the beginning, my eyes leak with no sight to purpose. they just leak. clammy cheeks. clammy insides. clammy mind. clammy emotional limp. all this and the organ waits for the verdict. cut. or keep.

fucking brilliant. (hysterical laughter to onset of general stupor)

throwing out wednesday afternoon

2011-06-29T05:47:00.000-07:00

every year, since i was old enough to want to, i go through my private collections of bits and bunches. and throw things the fuck out. pictures. letters. clothes. mismatched jewelry. gifts i do not remember. gifts i do not want to remember.

today. i emptied out a large red suitcase full of what i was once afraid to get rid of. old school notes and homework- who does that? pictures that have only brought me unhappy memories.

i am the reason. i disappoint people. they get done. i hurt. i try to hold on and hope. none of those people in the pictures have anything to do with my life. why can't i let go? there is always some god damn fucking redeemable quality that i wait on. i want them to do that for me. but, i disappoint. they disappoint.

i have come to the understanding that this IS what being human is. still sucks most of the time. :] fuck it if i do not continue to dig through and reach air. reach sunshine. be better.

i do not need fear; i throw away pictures, letters, miscellanea. years of broken promises and fudged moments. they are ALL forgivable and so am I. I AM FORGIVABLE. I forgive myself each time i throw away items that i have tethered my heart with. tethered to fear and anger.

i have literally been hauling this beat up, gnarly old red suitcase with busted zippers and grime streaked sides, for SIX years.
six. fucking. years.

what.
the.
fuck.

today. it is empty and out of my life.

fear less.

i am.

i did it.

i did it!

i ran today wednesday

2011-06-29T02:32:00.000-07:00

my entire body says 'yum.' i thought i might pass out in the park where i was...jogging persistently. once i stopped seeing spots and my ears ceased ringing, i futzed through my cool down and tried not to vomit. :] on my way out of the park, i received an appreciative, eye-contact nod from the shirtless and leathery groundskeeper.

awesome.

hahahahahahahaha!

is it tuesday?

2011-06-28T02:41:00.000-07:00

baby birds shouting and crying for attention outside my window. plane flying somewhere overhead. construction noises chipping and scraping away. cars, buses, and scooters thrumming by in waves. quiet hum of my computer fan while it cools this machine. i am missing the up-arrow key. car horn sounds. i breathe in. i breathe out. empty cereal bowl with small stainless steel spoon sits on my bed. digestion talks to me as it makes the rounds.

breathe. smile. wait on what i have no power to change.

a Serenity Prayer
Creator grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as You did, this world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to the Greater Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You Forever in the next. Amen.

friday

2011-06-24T08:41:00.000-07:00

i am going to be naked with men,women, and children, in a beautiful spa tomorrow. this is normal here. not just for the obscenely , moderately, or slightly wealthy. for the equivalent of 7 bucks- you're in.

nakedness helps me. mortality is easier to face when naked in a healing place.

wednesday

2011-06-22T02:42:00.000-07:00

i try to be honest and open. this requires me to trust. and i do. not everyone. relatively few. the few i do; i will bleed myself to be open with. this does not always go well. which is why it is so difficult to open up at all. if i do not live open and honest, though, i am dead. i am trying not to live dead. i have lived dead most of my life.

i have to trust that those i trust know who i am. at least, who i am determined to be. better. stronger. more open.

as i said, this does not always turn out well. i hope a light turns on for us to understand. it is worth it to me.

tell me how i have not proven myself loyal. tell me how i have not proven myself devoted. tell me what i have done to show anti-love and support. otherwise, tell me how you see us moving forward with what is shared. for understanding. it is worth it to me.

i am good at accepting no longer being wanted. i wear it well. this does not stop my being from wanting ones who do not want me. i will let go of those who ask or demand it. so far as my heart can cry. it heals over eventually. the memory dies after 10 or 15 years. maybe. not always. not in important instances. it is worth it to me to stand ground until cut down. because love is worth it.

well, people leave all the time. it's what people do. i stay. i want to stay. not to say that i am not good at leaving. poisonous people have found that i disappear very well. i try my deepest to be certain there is nothing else before walking away. i never like it. i heal and life moves forward.

i grew up in house where i was not able to speak my truth. my real thoughts and feelings. my relationships throughout my life, minus a handful, were the same scenario. i do not want that anymore. i have had the last two years to turn that mountain aside. i still have to walk through the crater it left in it's place. someday there will be a meadow there. and sunlight forever. soft rain and cool lakes. healed. flourish. i move to flourish. i will swim naked there in the haven where once my being rotted in pus and bile. cool, clean water. soft, green grass. quiet, restful peace. flourish. i move to flourish.

forgive me for not realizing how i share was not helpful at all. i was unaware. i would like to work on that. i was open and honest with no intent to injure. please help me know a better way with you. i love you.

i met you and you were fire standing in human form. you awe me. you are THE most striking being i have ever known. i adore you. i admire you. i look up to you in how to face demons in my life & the lives of ones i love. i want to bring you nothing but happiness and safety. i am sorry that i did not do that last time. i did not think i came out that way. i was calm and clear of mind when i shared with you. it came out poorly to you. you do know i have confessed that i am no good at one-on-one communication. this example must be the jewel in that crown i wear. please forgive my way of sharing.

i will try to re-do.

when you left. i was not sure you liked your time with me. i remember unhappy words. some were pointed at me. i felt cornered by my experience of these things. i did not understand why these things would have happened. i took time to be sure i really did feel that this was important. i should have waited and asked you how you would like to communicate about something important i needed to share. you have shared that you had a great time, do not remember many unhappy words & that anything said was not intended as hurtful. i believe you wholeheartedly and am done with it.

we each experienced a case of unintentional injury. the first day i met you, i forgave for anything you would ever say or do. this does not mean that i am not human and do not need to work through anger when hurt- especially when i do not know it was unintentional at the time. i speak strongly when it is important to being real with people i love and give myself to. i do this because you give me strength and courage to do so. you are the one who gave me strength to start saying No to toxic people in my life. so, i want to share pain with you when i feel it. i am glad you shared your pain with me. i am sad that i caused it. please forgive me.

i love you.

time goes saturday

2011-06-18T00:58:00.000-07:00

June is almost over.

April...what did I do in April? Work.

May...Backstage work for a theatre production.

June...ran the theatre production. Quit my job. Made two new friends.

Next week...back to the gym. I need to feel alive. I have been trying to feel alive. What I am choosing is not working. So, exercise is my next choice. If I hurt and wrestle with the weakling in me, then, maybe I will feel a bit more alive.

I have been trying to work myself out and am having trouble breaking through the top soil. I wan to stop beating my head against the same brick wall...any brick wall. I want a nose job so that I will not see the etchings of my mother when I look in the mirror. I want green eyes. I want black skin. I want change. I want freedom in change. Exercise is less drastic.

tuesday tuesday

2011-04-12T09:51:00.000-07:00

how do i want to go?

jump out of a plane with no parachute?

climb mt. everest?

taking a bullet for someone?

??

cosas Thursday

2011-04-07T00:59:00.000-07:00

Favorites.

Perfected Pizza
Exquisite Macaroni & Cheese
Fresh Feldsalat in the lightest of mustard dressings

Clean, Cool Water.

tooty frooty sunday morning

2011-04-02T23:07:00.000-07:00

thank you for off brand cereals.

did you know that if you are silent and still, you may be able to feel the pulsating of your heart beats cover your entire body? it is wonderful. my house is quiet and sleeping. i hear only one bird sing for a few seconds and it is gone. there is a car driving by every now and then. and I sneeze like a honking goose two times. my kind of sunday.

i am going to climb back into bed and read The Siren by kiera cass. delicious, delicious day.

sun sunday

2011-03-27T05:41:00.000-07:00

I have mixed emotions about the sun. I enjoy seeing it, but, only when I am in the shade... preferably inside a clean and cozy room. No bugs, no sunburns. At the same time, I want to run in it. Brown in it until I crisp. Leather myself in rays of hot sweaty light. Laugh crash into the ocean to refresh my happily burning cells.

Eh, life.

responsible tuesday

2011-03-07T22:09:00.000-08:00

i'm trying to keep up with what responsible adults do...

check the mail every day.
floss twice a day.
re-apply deodorant?

(and, recently: remember appointments you make with friends- especially when you've sent them a color-coded calendar.]

crooners make me smile saturday

2011-02-19T11:26:00.001-08:00

the world is changing. and. leaving me behind.

what do i do with this fact.

fact. not to be disputed. not to be argued with. i will die and the world will keep 'worlding.'

where is the reason? i wish i had never been led to think about a reason for existence. i used to dream of becoming mentally disabled. completely ignorant. just happy. but, would i be happy? i probably would be dumped into a care home. left with dirty, depressing rooms and "care-takers". fucked either way.

so, i listen to harry connick jr and wish for the 90's. the parts i wish for. dumb, i know. not fulfilling. but damnit if harry and e.r. don't warm me from my coma a bit. just a bit.

shit.

why can't i just be normal? just happy? ignorantly happy?

i am snapping out of it. it is taking a few years. has been. i want to snap out of it. i am working to snap out it.

le sigh.

cock a doodle doo saturday

2011-02-05T02:04:00.000-08:00

"grab my cock. as i walk. grab my butt. in a rut."

songs my husband sings while prancing around in the morning.

yup.

all mine.

wednesday of nothing unimportant

2011-01-26T10:09:00.000-08:00

i'm having a love-hate relationship with these wasabi potato chips tonight. do i love them? I DON'T KNOW!

i want life to slow down. i've been listening to the song "combinations" by eisley. over and over and over this week.

i do not know how to live. i have only known broken heart living. my heart isn't broken anymore.

MY HEART IS NOT FUCKING BROKEN ANYMORE!!!! IT'S FUCKING UNBELIEVABLE FANTASTIC WHAT THE FUCK AMAZING WHAT DO I DO NOW!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!

i am lost. not broken hearted.

now, i am lost in the What Now.

just add water sunday

2011-01-09T01:40:00.001-08:00

I am thankful that I married a man whom let's me be un-bathed for almost a week. He's just sitting in his soccer shorts and a t-shirt playing a video game while his stinky wife chooses to hold off bathing for a while. Sitting on the couch together, stinky and sleepy. I am extra glad that I married a man whom will sniff my armpits and my scalp when I really want him to. Hahahaha!!! He laughs with me!!!

apeshit coming soon friday

2010-12-17T05:32:00.000-08:00

i just ate a hunk of cheese. by hunk, i mean the size and thickness of my fist. i have also been drinking orange juice from the jug and am on my way to the kitchen for another 1.75 liters.

this means something is eating me. what is it? i'm not sure yet. this is the beginning stage. i have come to recognize (in this exact moment) that i eat obnoxious amounts of food when my heartmindself- for lack of a better term- is about to go apeshit.

so, fuck rebellion- i am soaking up my crazy sauce and waiting for the monsoon.

it's been awhile since my last blowthefuckupandbecomefireworks intrapersonal experience. i have been doing better. growing up in little ways. not staying in bed and going to work later when i could. putting my toothbrush away EVERY time, exactly where it was before. little things that show i am gaining stability.

whatever this is that is inducing consumption of fine cheese in large quantities, this is bringing me closer to stability.

good.

excerpts from a letter to a once friend wednesday

2010-12-15T07:57:00.000-08:00

"I am simply working each hour to be at peace and to exist to dwell and create happiness. I have not decided which path to follow when it comes to the twin of peace- justice. That, I may never decide how and where to move forward. I do not allow poisonous people into my life. That has been the greatest of my strength building forces. I have requested, in love and respect, that my mother not contact me. She still tries, but, this is not healthy for the time being. This has been the most poisonous of my relationships. She is not ready to have it otherwise, so, I will not have it be at all. The next most poisonous relationship has been with the Western Christianity Churches/Religions. Until the counterpart is ready to be real and honest, I will not allow it to be at all. No more poison allowed.

I would like to see you, if you would also like to see me. Please know that I am a fucking mad woman with multiple spirits that I express in sometimes opposing ways- and I am damn fucking more than ok with it all. I love me, all of me. I am sophisticated and idiotic. I am ingenious and crass. I am not one way and I never will be. You must know by now that I have always loved you. Even and most especially when I let myself feel miserable with you. Knowing that I am the most generous and kind bitch you will come across, will you love me even half as much as I love you? I don't think like you, live like you, believe like you, act like you- I do nothing like anyone because I am a masterpiece. You are. That is how I think and feel about that.

What do you have to say?"

this time the answer was- yes.

wish me all good and brilliant.

no typo.

all good and brilliant.

Light.

flying in snow out my window sunday

2010-12-05T06:26:00.000-08:00

i don't know why conversations i have heard, regarding rod stewart, curse his name. i don't know what he did to piss you people off. maybe his failings were more public than ours, but we all FAIL. get over it. i love listening to his music. maybe he didn't write the songs. maybe he doesn't believe in them. but. he sings them. for better or worse. he sings.

promise i'm not antisocial entirely sunday

2010-11-28T09:33:00.000-08:00

look, people. sometimes a person sits with her eyes closed in a coffee shop across from her friend because she explicitly wants to be in the same space as this friend and not fill it with chatter- because there is nothing more to fucking say right now! why are people so grated by silence? by stillness? my friend is reading and i have stared happily and thoughtfully at her for 15 minutes, i would like to dwell in the caverns of my thoughts now, thank you. ps, having my eyes closed is a part of the experience. you should try it sometime. really. stop talking to me. stop talking. calm down. close your mouths. close your eyes. and think.

i know you are not trying to be rude, but, you're being invasive a smidge. i understand that you could not possibly know how important it is to me that i sit here like a warm, mushy statue and bury my mind in the sand behind my eyelids. sandy beaches as waves of thinking roll, and roll, and roll, and roll... FUCKING ESSENTIAL TO ME! you grate me with your fidgety need to fill the silence and pester me in order to make yourselves feel less uncomfortable. grmmmarbgreeblthrrrr!!! that is the noise in my person right now.

okay, i know. you want to communicate with the weirdos. the friends sitting across from the table, not making eye contact, not making noise, and not freaking out about it. i will open her computer and spallunk around until you feel like your work here is done and commence talking amongst yourselves like good little coffee shop goers.

yes, i know i'm a freak. BUT IT MAKES ME HAPPY. :]!!!! so, unless you are ready to discuss with me the possibilities of what happens when a human dies, our deepest struggles and most majestic triumphs; shit like this- please silencio. i can't handle any other type of conversation right now. which is why i am going to sit here and think. in silence. eyes closed.

some day i might be like you. don't set your hopes too high. i really like being me. FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAK!

days days saturday 2:12am

2010-11-26T17:06:00.000-08:00

the other day
listening to Frou Frou radio on last.fm
thoroughly delightful
like cupcakes
with sugar crystal sprinkled frosting
and those metalic sugary beads on top
delicious to my self
thank you music
i bet you want a towering cupcake with mountains of frosting...
me too. hahahaahahahaahahaha!
let's get one! (each)

the day before that
Too many things not to do.
I suppose I intend the meaning: boredom.
I do have things to do
I am unable to do them for reasons like time; lacking.
Listening to Tony Toni Tone'.
Time which does not belong to me.
For lending my time I receive pay.
It will do for now, but will not for much longer.
I need to start viewing this as 'my whole life is ahead of me.'
I certainly do not see, feel, think, exist in this way.
My life has been over for years! Hahahaha!
I am in a state between life and death.
Like I am on borrowed minutes.
White haired. Twig bones. Paper skin. Dappled waves of age spots.
That is how I see, feel, think, exist.
I need to snap out of it!
Which will take some time.

today
talking about sex, death, loyalty, love, freedom. Freedom from past. Freedom in present. Freedom for future. Desire for burning freedom; freedom which burns up the souls around me until we are the fire of life. Red, searing bellows of flame. i am on fire. i am fire. I AM FIRE.

shit I say sunday

2010-11-21T07:26:00.001-08:00

Myself, I am intent on living in harmony. harmony does not always mean bliss- yet, always means genuine life. I want to be a better me than I was yesterday- each day. Sometimes I am, other times I have more to work on. I am thoroughly welcoming of this existence.

blaggadyblaggadygarb monday

2010-11-01T10:10:00.000-07:00

i love books
here's the thing. (let's talk straight)

my ideal world would have me as an agoraphobe. yup.

(a rich agoraphobe)

i would live in my little house. i would never leave. everything would be delivered. duh. it's called the Internet.

i would read books and watch tv/movies all day. i would eat. i would sleep. and repeat.

i would have money automatically taken from my ka'ching account to various noble charities- so as not to feel like a total bottom-feeder.

however, without the materializing and uninterrupted income- this is not happening. also, there would be no sex- and safe, positive sexual experiences are a human right; i am just about damned certain.

so, i get up. i get dressed. i shower three times a week. sometimes four. and i go interact with the physical world populated by people, places, and things. i do like it. i even have extended periods of cherished dwelling in the orb of environments that is earth. it's just not my gut go-to.

on the other end. i could go hiking and sleep on rocks anytime. (i do like having the t.p., though.)

complicated masterpiece. we each are.

(we each are bonafide weirdies, too) (fyi)

fucking why do i have to re-live this conversation again and again sunday

2010-10-24T08:45:00.000-07:00

that was supposed to be me
i was supposed to be in front of that congregation
i was supposed to be singing church songs, camp songs, praise songs
clapping my hands with the microphone harmony, melody with the acapella brethren
that was supposed to be me writing music for lifting the soul to heaven
singing, leading the congregation
you all were supposed to come to my house
to my hospitality
singing on the carpet with the lights off
reading that book
religiously
it makes me sick to think of it, that world
it makes me sad
i will never go back
my eyes are open and you all have closed your ears, your hearts to me
because i disagreed
because i spoke different to your rythm
you said "that's nice"
pat my head and put me in my place
you who spoke freedom
restoration
you are the Strangler
you are the same tomb as those 'other churches'
you are they
in your brightly painted denial
smug
leading the desperate to an empty well
calling it refreshing
why am i sad
when i see a picture of her singing
smiling
blissful
singing all the right songs
with all the right people
in all the right rules
she is happy
in the life that was promised me
now i am free
sad
and free
my happiness is a prize far greater than yours will ever be
i am sad
simply of the ignorance once held
now i am awake to life
to death
i am awake and alive
your church is desert
not enough
not enough
not enough
not enough
not enough
not enough
not enough
not enough
NOT ENOUGH!!!
that was supposed to be me
thank the One it is not
no more damage will be done
in the name of false restoration
give me real
give me actual
give me the anti-lie
mine
mine
mine is the Freedom
mine is the TRUTH
what exactly
only the One may display
i will sing those songs no more
i sing my soul
only my soul
to the One
you may join me if you like
you may join me if you do not like
i will be where i will
free
true
true
real
real.

fucking shit but que sera friday

2010-10-01T07:54:00.000-07:00

sometimes, i just want to say "i hate my fucking life". i don't. i just hate certain things about my life in this moment on this day- on certain days which happen to happen some days...

and then my husband reaches one of his perpetually warm hands over and holds my arm as we sit side by side. and i breathe.

i just need to recall my place within this existence. i am trapped in my own mind. there is no 'outside' of my gray matter.

gray matter in my plasma, in my bones, in my muscles, sinews, tissues. all of which will die. cease to exist. then where is My existence? where?

so, i eat. i drink. i pee. i poop. i bathe. i sleep. i interact with people and with the plants, places, things around me. i dance. i dream. i cry. i laugh. i cry and laugh some more.

i'll try to keep the laughter at greater odds. what more can i do?

crisp, cloudy, golden sunday morning

2010-09-25T23:19:00.000-07:00

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, what i look forward to about autumn.

cinnamon.
apples. (and cinnamon combined!)
cold, dry air with the smell of fireplaces warming up cold homes.
pumpkin everything.
did i mention pumpkin everything?
soft, comfy sweaters.
long underwear. (yyyyuuuuuuuummmm to my body)
scarves and woolly hats.
Charlie Brown and The Great Pumpkin
A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving
baking cookies.
just baking!
children wearing so many layers that they look like marshmallows with feet.
gloves! i love gloves!
chapstick. yay for this invention and the serenity it brings to me.
wool, knee-high socks. (we're besties)
arroz con leche en la manana. (mmmmmmmmm...)
homemade artichoke heart dip. fuck ya! (maybe i should make some tomorrow...) :)
hot soup. hot, hot, hot, hot soup. in buckets.
hot pots of tea!
blowing kisses at leaves as they fall off the trees. (try it, it's glorious)
watching squirrels scamper around with their stuffed cheeks.
meringue on pie. lemon meringue pie.
PIE!
mmmmmmmmmmmm, pie.
watching my husband watching football. :)
seeing my breath float in a haze around my face. freaking awesome. every time.
exhaling extra slow in order to maximize the steamy goodness in the air.
cold cheeks glowing red when i walk in a heated room.
dogs in sweaters. ( i know, but i heart it)
everyone's nipples poking through their tops. (it's kind of hilarious)
how everyone decides to wear brown, purple, and orange for some reason? :)
burrowing under heavy blankets whenever possible.
pretending to hibernate in said blankets.

i love autumn.

gaaaaaaaaah wednesday

2010-09-22T07:20:00.000-07:00

Can anybody tell me what happens when a human dies?

Only those whom have died and returned may apply.

Until I find out, I'll be meandering about the face of the Earth.

Thanks.

hold you forever saturday

2010-09-18T02:12:00.001-07:00

Sang this with serenity smile as I made chocolate strawberry pie this morning. I love you.

homepdx sunday

2010-09-11T22:42:00.001-07:00

"We believe that people deserve to be loved simply because they exist. We believe in full equality for women; people of all religions (or no religion); people of all races, nationalities, backgrounds, sexual preference, economic and social classes."

bathroom humor friday

2010-09-10T08:02:00.000-07:00

i shared the greatest idea with my husband this week.

"We're going to do something."

"What?"

"The next time either of us poops, I am going to wipe your butt and you are going to wipe my butt- to prepare us for when we get really old and have to do it for real."

"No."

"I'm wiping your ass."

[husband walks out of room]

I think he'll catch on.

siren sunday morning

2010-08-29T01:32:00.001-07:00

i am the sea
i wash the world
i create FREE
free to flow
free to crash
free to destroy
free to form into being
terrifying beauty, boldness,
peace
i am the ocean
i am the sea
i am she

quirks to smile about Saturday

2010-08-28T07:59:00.001-07:00

I woke up this morning and decided to make salsa. I had chopped 3 or 4 medium white onions two days ago and soaked them in the juice of 5 small squeezed lemons, pinch of sea salt, 3tsp cumin, dash of parsley and some paprika for kicks. This had been marinating in my fridge and begged for more.

This morning, in olive-green a-shirt and baggy, grey pajama pants- I wielded my weapon of choice with pleasure filled mastery. (One of those knives with curved top and tear-drop divets in the sharp end of the blade...I like to think of it as the Moby Dick of knives in my kitchen).

3 yellow, 3 red, and 1 green bell pepper: de-seed, slice and dice. Throw it in the bucket!
1 fresh jalapeno: slightly de-seeded, sliced, and diced. Throw it in the bucket!
2 mondo-normous gargantuan tomatoes: de-seed, slice, dice. You know the drill :)
1 bundle of leaf-picked and finely chopped cilantro- of course. helloooooo!

Now I am happily kissed in my nostrils and lungs by steeping, crisp salsa as I stir in finely chopped chives. Savoring the marriage of lemon, onion, and cumin pouring over each colorful bit of delic-itude. YESSSSSSSSSS! I! HAVE! MADE! SALSA!

I crash in more spices now! Cumin, cumin cumin! Paprika! Dry red pepper seeds! A wee bit of Dry, crushed coriander and sea salt for one fatty happy family. :)

As I stuff my happy fatty face with heaps of salsa on top of olive-oil grilled corn-tortillas I am remiss of garlic. This will be remedied tomorrow morning :)

Food like this makes my brain sexy.

in case you are hurting wednesday

2010-08-11T07:47:00.000-07:00

"You hurt as long as you want. You fucking scream at the fucking top of your fucking beautiful angry miserable hysterical lungs. You dance until your clothes burn off and the only thing left is your triumphant soul. You LOVE. LOVE EVERYTHING. LOVE EVERY ONE. Love your skin. Love your breath. Love your tastebuds. Love your sense of touch, your sense of smell. Love all that your eyes can take in and see beyond even that. Love the bleeding young woman inside of you. Love the all consuming fire that you are becoming. You are fire for me."

i wrote this to a dear friend and sister a lifetime ago. i want you to know i say it to you. man, woman, boy, girl, fellow-being. me, too.

i love you.

' i. am.' saturday

2010-07-24T00:26:00.000-07:00

a letter to a dear friend of mine. i want to share it.

"I saw this big book in a shop window. i walk by this shop every weekend when i meander to the town center to people watch and ice-cream eat ;) The books in the window are usually photography or art collections, maybe an antique journal or two.

I fell in love.

This big book staring boldy through the glass was covered in a black&white photo of a front-facing naked woman. She stood tall and fierce. Her arms were crossed under her (enormous!) breasts and her pubic hair was wild and shameless. Her face. This is where I fell in love. She had her face turned a little with her chin slightly tilted to the sky.

"I am." That is what she said to me. I want to be that picture. I thought of you on the train; of sending you a a black and white photograph of me NAKED! jumping in the air with the sun behind me! So, just you wait until i find a nude beach. I am going to smile and laugh as BIG as i possibly can! and jump high into the sky! that will be my "I am." "

toxicity and remedy friday

2010-07-09T12:26:00.000-07:00

why i live grateful and joyous in my annulment of the woman whom gave birth to me:

i am free and continually free her from the continuum of living-death.

free from phony posing when the reality is one cluster-fuck of psychosis after another.

i am never again an option for her to derail on. She is never again an option for me to ulcerate over.

her money is her choice. her health is her choice. her reactions are her choice. her responsibility.

the poisons have no purchase.

annulled.

thank the One only One.

no toxics go in my heart.

ever never never.

i am rich!!!!! and it's thursday!

2010-07-01T08:59:00.000-07:00

this morning i was a little fucking mad.

in My pantry on My shelf are My six boxes of equal quantities regular and fruit granola bars.

i went to My pantry and leaned toward My shelf and picked up one of My six boxes of equal quantities regular and fruit granola bars. IT WAS FUCKING EMPTY!

"damnit. (really emphasized period. .) " husband! these are MY GRANOLA BARS! of which not only am I now out of one ENTIRE BOX! but! my perfectly inventoried ratio of fruit to nut granola bars is COMPLETELY FUCKED TO THE MOON!

i stood there with that empty box of My granola bars and quietly fumed for about 50 seconds.

"what. the. fuck." "What the Fuck." I stopped myself like narcolepsy and stood in a stupor; like the idiot I was being.

'i am hoarding food...from my husband..." "?"

"they're just fucking granola bars. we will buy more when we run out."

i didn't believe that at first. i said it again.

"we WILL buy more when we run out."

i felt better after that one.

i put the empty box in the recycling bin and - I OPENED ANOTHER BOX! MADNESS!!!!

From this revelation I am committing to myself, for the sake of my alegria and that of my husband, to CONQUER THE POVERTY MINDSET; CONQUER THE IMPOVERISHED SELF.

It was like a fucking brick-house i have been living in- i just kicked it down- with no shoes on, betches. i have money to buy granola bars more than once every two or three months. i can buy them once a week! i can do that! and i will be okay! WHAT?!?!?!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is madness :]

and i will take more, please.

things i agree with as staples of my living

2010-06-29T11:05:00.000-07:00

If vegetables are there-EAT THEM ALL
Take Your Vitamins!
Go to Sleep
Taking it Personal is immature (so get over it!)
Think about the other perspective
Cur-all: Put Yourself on Pause and take a short walk outside
Attention Hogs are out of style
Wear Sunscreen
Bring a Water Bottle
Bring Granola Bars
Bring a bonnet
Bring a scarf
Bring a hair-tie
Bring Sunglasses
Bring Chapstick
Bring Tissues
Bring a Pen
Bring hand cream
Bring hand sanitizer
Always Pee!
Just poop. Everybody does it. You’ll feel great when it’s over!
Save the receipt – in a memorable location with easy access :)
Have a fireproof case for vital records
More food prepared is better than less food prepared
Let someone else bring drinks
When in doubt- Throw It Out
Open windows cheer it up
Clean House=Clean Schedule
Flossing is your lover
Precise deadlines are the best; social and otherwise
Thank You cards are glue for life
Stretching makes a huge difference :)

...now the application... :)

rest saturday night

2010-06-26T10:35:00.000-07:00

tea pots open the creaky door behind which Happiness waits. not the bull-shit useless kind; which, though beautiful, bring only anxiety in the knowledge of clumsiness and annihilation...ya, i don't use those.

sturdy, funky tea pots. full of piping hot water and fresh leaves and bits of herb relief.

i am a constant of happy child and wintry-souled woman. tea pots warm the aging siren and cheer the goofy girl.

my being belongs to the minor chords.

musica draws stick figures in my aura sunday afternoon

2010-06-13T05:47:00.001-07:00

where is my place in this existence, this world?

i am supposed to be 17 forever.

my body has other plans. my mind has other plans. my heart has other plans. i want them to come together. each are tied by dental floss and this is not enough for me. for ME. i need more.

i am not 17 forever. i am not forever in this existence, this world.

what am i? where is my place?

what am i?

nothing in particular saturday

2010-06-12T08:38:00.000-07:00

imparticular?

listening to El Salvador by The Athlete. i see leaves rustling across the lot, through the wood slats which keep critters out, as they should stay.

i am going to eat tzaziki tonight. you should, too.

i just don't know about this U.S./England game tonight. It could go either way! Crazy happens, folks! Story of my life. Perhaps the story of tonight's match.

other than that, i have been cooking steadily since last night & i rock.

olive oil
garlic out the yingyang
sea salt
mound of tomatoes
thai red peppers til it hurts
onions til you cain't see through your tears
one red apple diced for kicks
throw it all in a pan & simmer for hours

add a mountain of parsley and slap over some rice & shrimp. BOOOOOOOM.

eat it.

I love YOU.

this is the shit saturday

2010-06-05T02:15:00.000-07:00

BOOOM! New favorite website. TED. Thank you Huffington Post.

cleaned-out quite well friday

2010-06-03T23:30:00.000-07:00

I have come to the full knowledge that I should not eat-

1 1/2 cups raw oatmeal
1/4 cup gold raisins
1 2/3 cup cold,vanilla almond milk
2 Tb mesquite honey

Put it all together in a bowl, mix to perfection, shovel in your face with a spoon.

(yuuuuuuuuuuummmmm)

-for breakfast on a workday.... Be advised. If YOU do eat this for breakfast on a workday, you will make it until the afternoon, then, you will be squirming discretely as you listen to supervisors while trying not to poop your pants in loud trumpets of gassy oat torpedoes.

Your welcome, humanity.

in the middle before my time is up monday

2010-05-16T22:49:00.000-07:00

I am trying to focus on being alive here and now. My mind keeps me at the door of death. My constant thinking revolves around my dying breath, losing use of my body, never feeling my skin like today.... It hurts me to be saying goodbye to my body. I watch it leave me every day. I want to focus on saying hello to the dying process. The slow and constant changes that will take over my physical person from here until my earthly end. I force myself to buy bright clothes and ride my bike. I force myself to act alive so that, someday, hopefully soon, I will really feel alive. I just want to cry in sadness of losing my friend of so many years- growing up. How do I be grown? How do I be aged? I have only ever been young. I am so full of sadness in this. I know I will be beautiful. I will be truly Woman. I am at the very same time sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad.

I believe in the truth that my wanting will lead me rightly to freedom and revelry.

i can read. amazing. sunday.

2010-05-09T03:31:00.000-07:00

"We're free to choose our character; the type of person we become.
We're free to choose our values.
We're free to choose how we treat people.
We're free to choose how we handle adversity.
We're free to choose how much we'll learn.
We're free to choose what we'll accomplish in our life.
We're free to choose our own belief system.
We're free to choose our own purpose.
We're free to choose our attitude regardless of circumstances."

-aftb 2010

i love pooping every day saturday

2010-05-08T01:23:00.001-07:00

(it took me two days....que sera)

Over the past few months I have cornered my husband at every opportunity. "Tell me 2 things you love about me." "Explain." "Give me an example." :]

He's wonderful. (and he's getting better at it with each round- so I am not letting up anytime soon).

I told my husband when we were first dating that I am a person in need of constant re-assurance. I have proven true to my word I'm quite certain.

A reoccurring theme has been laid over me in my husband's words of love and affirmation during these no-escape moments I present. ..."You have a great ability to sift through the bullshit." This is slowly sinking in and taking root in my Self.

This man I devote myself to sees and respects this ability I did not recognize. I want to see it. I am paying more attention.

More on this later.

Now. Pooping! I am SO THANKFUL THAT I AM ABLE TO POOP! There is no relief quite as curious and freeing as a full bowel movement. I feel like my whole life is in the book binding before the next chapter. My inner being is having one massive and constant bowel movement! The physical act of pooping takes the toxins, poisons; the bad stuff, out of your system. This allows for healing, rejuvenation, room for different and better nutrition. This is my life- my life is having one big poop! Toxic people and habits- poop out! By no near margin am I close to complete relief, however, I am more free in each hour of battling with the scouring of my metaphorical bowels.

Thank you God for physical pooping- it's great once it's over! May this be true of my inter/intra/spritu/emoti/menta/whateva big giant poo to recovery.

deep sleep thursday night

2010-05-06T13:17:00.000-07:00

tomorrow i am going to write about my 'bullshit meter' and how truly, truly grateful and in wonder i am that i can poop. two thoughts that have been mulling around my cabesa that just happen to be ...related (?) hahaha

for now, i will listen to my tone-deaf husband sing me to sleep with More Than Words. :) this is the life, folks. this is it. he loves me. and i love him. and he is only semi-conscious.

i love you. goodnight.

naked for jesus naked naked naked monday

2010-04-26T21:50:00.000-07:00

Rembrandt van Rijn (Dutch, 1606-1669) Naked Woman Seated on a Mound 1631

boobquake.
why should i have to hide the body given to me? i didn't hide from the One in Eden. i refuse to wear shame over having BOOBS. i refuse to wear shame over having a Vagina. I refuse to wear shame for having a Uterus. the One sees me naked always. i follow Jesus. i do not even feign to pretend that i know the mind of Jesus; the ways of the One. there is no male. there is no female. my body is a temple and so i will bare it unashamedly in praise and glory to the One all the days of my life.

---
Ekiti women in protest 2010

i wrote the above to a friend after a certain church-going friend with boobs told her that she would not be participating because '[her] body is for the glory of God'. at first, i was shaking. i was so angry at this person for taking an axe to my beautiful, powerful, and frail friend- in the name of God. i wrote a piece of my heart for my friend. .then, i was still. i have only sadness for this other person with boobs. she chooses to only hear what one sect of socio-historically limited religion tells her to listen to and believe. the One is not an American Reformation Bible'Belt-fostered deity-in-a-box. for this other person with boobs, anything i could possibly share would be outright refused; simply because i have the body to grow a baby & do not adhese my self to this person's religious traditions. finally, i breath. who am i to force any person to live as i live? haven't many of the world religions done quite enough of that throughout the last 2,000 years and beyond; yes. i will only love and wait. it is only the One's place to have the final and absolute say. no person knows what this is. i let it go. i live empowered. i live free. as only the One makes me free.

naked woman by Erika 2006

sunny walk in the park sunday

2010-04-25T03:39:00.000-07:00

My body is no longer my own. It is the canvas of time passing.

My spirit has always been the 3 year-old and the 83 year-old holding hands; each taking shifts to care for the other.

Now my body is slipping away from young. This is an unknown plane.

My body has been the same body for 10 years. Small additions of fat- I finally got boobs!- in womanly places to keep my jeans on and actually have to wear a bra (or do I?) :) The only changes of the young body.

Now? It seems the oils I rub into the skin of my hands never quite soak into the caverns of silky wrinkles from my wrists to my fingertips. The same goes for my face. I think this is the most difficult. My face is rebelling against the image I hold of my self in my mind.

The 83 year-old smiles at me as I infinitesimally change by the hours of my numbered days. She knows. She knows what I hope to understand. What I hope to allow to blossom.

Age.

Ancient experience writing finely on the papyrus of my skin.

The 3 year-old continues to laugh. To dance. To wonder!

Holding hands. It is simply time to give the matron the lead.

I believe in the promise of balance. What better, more breathtaking dance partners than two women. One forever child, one forever perfected in the freedom of death's winking.

sun through my window thursday

2010-04-22T07:09:00.000-07:00

i daydream about having a grand mirrored hall with a wooden dance floor. i daydream about having thick strips of fabric hanging from the ceiling and large circular swings, too. i dream about having this room for therapy. i would lead music and motion therapy.

yoga but better. and way more fun.

you should be here. we would be cirque du solei, suzuki drama, yoga, whatever! using your muscles and bones with purpose in music.

to work through your shit and feel better.

that would be my banner. :]

i love it.

death cab and sun tea wednesday afternoon

2010-04-21T09:28:00.000-07:00

forgiveness. this i work on. i nose-dive. cement grit into my face. i rise. bathe my infections. patiently cringe as healing takes tedious, itchy, swelling, maddening time.

i forgive myself.
i forgive myself.
i forgive myself.
i forgive myself.
i forgive myself.
i forgive myself.
i forgive myself.
i forgive myself.
i forgive myself.
i forgive myself.
i forgive myself.
i forgive myself.
God help me; i forgive myself.
i forgive myself.

i forgive myself. forgiveness.

i forgive them all.
i forgive them all.
i forgive them all.
i forgive them all.
i forgive them all.
i forgive them all.
i forgive them all.

i forgive it all.

all.

i forgive it all.

i forgive them all.

i forgive myself.

fuck yes.

:]

springtime and questions tuesday

2010-04-06T07:18:00.000-07:00

I walk in the park Sundrenched. As I am leaving to go and buy delicious white chocolate, a couple stops me straw-hat, purple dress and flip-flops to ask where butterflies go in the winter. ... :) I instantaneously recite from kindergarten memories of butterfly Cacoon. My final reply, "That is a very good question!" We all laugh happily and say farewell. My flip flop sandals and I meander to the final flower bed.

I watch a peacock butterfly from flower to flower flop drunkenly enjoying what I am sure is a version of quite a divine luncheon.

Beautiful. Beautiful day.

Outside in Spring is my kind of good.

butterflies are caterpillars in winter. how bout that. i think i knew this, somewhere in the back tracks of my mind i hope i see those two tomorrow. i want to know the answer for the question.

(Sigh, smile, sigh)

saturday of saturdays

2010-04-03T14:05:00.000-07:00

I am an arrogant self righteous bitch. Fucking Hallelujah that I admit it and I am clawing through the deeps of my ugliness to obliterate the arrogance, self righteousness; the bitch is probably staying, hopefully with a bit more wisdom each day to shut up and listen first.

I love the One- whatever, however the One exists and IS. So, I try not to be an asshole. Sometimes I succeed.

Try to fucking understand forgiveness. Shit.

monday monday morning

2010-03-28T22:30:00.000-07:00

My life has NEVER been better. Every morning this is true. Not money, not socialtude- LIFE. Always moving forward! I am living in Now. I am loving Vida. Always. :)

This includes expressing passion for what is not love I see and find in the world around me.

This includes having several stances in one realm of meaning/thought/action...

I am not limited by your views- you are not limited by mine.

We refuse to be boxed in- even by our own personal selves.

boom.

found waldo sunday

2010-03-14T13:09:00.000-07:00

I have finally found a person living outdoors here. This ville is full of bmw's, jags, and mercedes'. This man rolls out on his kicks and big times' it with extra-large grocery bags around town. We probably do not speak the same verbal language. Maybe we can learn to share the same non-verbal dialect: clean socks for free. And, a smile. Not the shit-eating kind. The "Hey. I see you. And I'm still here." kind.

I miss my street friends back Home. Fucking mad miss you fucking all. I love you.

you should always hydrate Monday

2010-03-08T06:01:00.000-08:00

I am fighting apathy.

I believe in God. I believe in God deciding we need some current info on the whole existence and after earth existence thing. He put it into a form we would comprehend (somewhat). Decides so and so is pregnant and the baby is God incarnate. What the hell does that mean? I do not know.

Apathy. My apathy is - what do I do with this belief? Do... Those who have gone before me in mass numbers have done quite a fucking 'nuff to fuck fuck fuck things up here for all beings and creatures. So my response is - do nothing. That is doing something, I know, all you two'sides of the coin people.

For now I will shower more often than not, eat fairly well, and stay the fuck out of fucking up people's lives. Focally- my own. I may nevery get it perfect but I'll die trying. hahahahaha. In the best way possible.

a pence more Monday

2010-02-07T22:47:00.000-08:00

Some days I feel very very old.
Aged, really. Like I am a great great grandmother. Not tired necessarily, rather, filled with time past. Like I am just passing by on a lazy river while the world carries on. Others paddle close-by. One or two may even steady the current with me through the story book pages of my existence in this body, this world...

long long sigh and sigh Monday

2010-02-07T22:38:00.000-08:00

Moon River, wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style some day.

Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going I'm going your way.

Two drifters off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.

We're after the same rainbow's end--
waiting 'round the bend,
my huckleberry friend,

Moon River and me.

© 1961 Paramount Music Corporation, ASCAP

i took a shower Tuesday afternoon

2010-02-02T06:18:00.000-08:00

sometimes i feel truly alive
today it was the few moments after i finished my shower
i dried my body
looked at the hair on my legs
i was singing you got it by mr orbison
mostly because i had just finished watching boys on the side
looking down at the hair on my legs gives me peace
stability maybe
it has yet to let me down i guess
that was not the moment
it helped to create the moment
i stepped out of the diminutive tiled shower
it is the color of a morning tide pool
it makes it easier to breathe somehow
for me anyway
i had only briefly ran the stiffened pink towel down the back
of my soaked crowning hair
it is too short to be called long and too long to be called short
i run my fingers through it now and again wishing it was gone
then i think about being a woman
i overthink that for another hour and
then shake it off with a glass of water
the moments i truly felt alive today
i stayed naked
the moisture was evaporating from my skin
the soft winter daylight whispered through the burled bathroom glass window
it faces east
you can't see through it
only the light
i stood before the sink
naked and cool skinned
opening the small, plastic, center medicine cabinet door
i grabbed my toothbrush
unscrewed the cap of my toothpaste
turned on the tap and ran the combo underneath
as i started the rhythm of small circular movement back and forth
across the secret world that is my teeth
i felt it
i closed the small mirrored door to stare at myself
my hand content to carry on without me
cold drops of clear water
running from my scalp to the edges of my hair
falling like velvet kisses
the kind you get on your cheek from nieces and nephews on easter
it was like dying
i have found many times that feeling truly alive involves variants of death
each cold fall finding rest in the crook between neck and shoulder
slowly tracing the light from behind me
sliding towards it
to roll over and down my shoulder blade
slide noiselessly across the narrows of my collarbone
i could only know that i wanted to cry
to know what it might be like if i did cry
staring in the mirror
watching water fall from the tips of my hair
i was being touched
someone touching my skin
it was myself
the crying spirit inside of me
the one thankful for this moment
thankful for the pain of being alive
scared of having to be alive until i die
death will be better
until then
God send me courage
send me drops of peace
water on my naked body
water on my soul

i finished brushing my teeth
i like running my rinsed toothbrush back over them
especially behind each tooth
i also brush my tongue
it makes me smile
wrapping the now damp towel around my head like a pink cocoon
i dress
and sigh
and try to think of other things

i love being naked
i love being bundled
i am learning to feel truly alive
for more than the moments
some days
someday
i believe in someday
just like today believes in me

sigh
i will die if otherwise
the kind of dying that lasts your whole life

no to that
yes to hope
even when i am alone
angry
forlorn
ambivalent
woe begotten
self piteous
etc
i am never entirely lost of my hope
in the knowledge that life is true
being alive is just half of life

help me to understand this

life after cancer is still a bitch. :)a fucking fucked the fuck up'd one! hahahahahaha! Jesus help me I'm fucking laughing! Shit :) ya. FUCK.

i love You
thanks from me to You, always. always.

history repeating is there purpose wednesday

2010-01-26T23:34:00.000-08:00

What do you have to say about talk of the Burka being Banned in France?

Where does this lead? Muslim women can't leave their homes in France? What about Buddhist nuns? What about...what about...? What's really going on, France?

friend k: France boasts a pretty large Muslim minority and they are the center of quite a bit of contention. They have been talking about banning the Burka for awhile now. If they do it will be huge. In November the Swiss voted to put a ban on the construction of minarets on Muslim mosques. Europe and Islam are not getting along with now (to put it mildly).

friend l: I'm shocked? I don't know what is going on. I will buy a newspaper.

friend m: i have not heard of this until now, but if this is a serious deal then i am extremely disappointed in france. i don't need to explain the cultural, social, and religious importance of the burka to muslim society. i don't know if france thinks they are "liberating" muslim women, but meddling in the affairs of religion by a political power has caused some major problems throughout the history of mankind.

i'm going to have to go check this out now.

friend k: France (and all of Europe) are not trying to liberate Muslims, they are trying to keep their own culture alive. The arguments against Muslims in Europe are similar to some (but not all) arguments against illegal immigrants in the US.

friend m: but banning the burka sounds like quite an extreme measure to achieve a cultural goal...:\

Targeting the women (who really have no say- the Koran & Muslim men do) is infuriatingly ignorant.

friend m:extremely. i don't...agree with it no matter the cultural ramifications.

I do agree that the US and countless other countries/societies have done their share of discrimination- often leading to community violence and even internment, labor, and/or death camps to get 'unwanted' people out of the picture. Is Europe going to walk down this road again? Fighting the extremists by punishing the majority; way to be original. Oppression begets retaliation. It is the human story.

deutschland snowy before the sunrise monday

2010-01-24T22:14:00.000-08:00

I love the existence between lights. The breathing before the sun and after the moon. Before the moon and after the sun. These are where I belong. Where trees are purple-black pencil painted streaks bending in the sky. Dusk or Dawn; I am happiest.

bluegreengoldcolorscolorscolors monday

2010-01-11T10:43:00.000-08:00

I write this for a boy in his twenties.

The water closed his eyes.

listening to flogging molly and sending my heartsong to the one i never knew
we all had to say goodbye too soon, too soon
young life leaves this world. we are waiting in the between
it's raining in Seattle
i feel rain
still alive
are you more so now that you are not
my heart sings to you
the one i never knew
sleep and wait for us
what more will i say
when i never knew you
the ones in your love
they are the burning
burning in the hole cracked within
they are the burning
left with only the love
you
they knew you
love you still
far far away
far far away

january junebug 20 and 10 Tuesday

2010-01-05T20:44:00.000-08:00

I am tired. I am simultaneously happy, grateful, courageous, quenched, empowered, delighted, ecstatic, gleeful, energetic, bursting with the need to create!...anxious, baleful, anguished, confined, unwanted, angry, fearful, downcast, unfulfilled, cracked...hurt and healed all in one.

I think about death at least once an hour. As a part of Life.

So if I am meant only to die- then why live? Why be put in this world in the first fucking place? Is death so dependent upon life? I need to stop asking why regarding these things. I need some other inquiry.

How?

What?

Answer me that, God. I am not informed.

Still not angry with God. Angry with this place/existence- quite often; particularly in regards to humanity, which includes my own self.

What is the purpose of my body and mind, senses and cognitions, tying so strongly- cleaving to this place! If I'm not supposed to fucking be here!

Fuck you, people who tell me like you fucking know what God knows. FUCK YOU. We don't even know who/what/how/???? the one we call God is. NONE OF US. FUCKING SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH.

Answers would help, God. Answers that human minds are able to process and possibly grasp on the downwards of the 'for dummies' scale.

Time to dance by myself again. Deep breathing. Slow movement. Swelling music.

Center.

Waiting.

gratitude beyond capacity Monday

2009-12-14T21:26:00.000-08:00

I love my husband. He is fully child and fully man. I try not to think about the disparity between each of our lives. He is gold and sun and light and joy. I am ocean floor, fog on water, night in forest. I am ever thankful for the ability to live with my strong, glowing sun. He brings me room to breathe. I love him.

sunday sunday sunday morning

2009-11-29T10:23:00.000-08:00

I am taking my husband for his first day at church. Real church. 98% friends living on the streets, 2% friends living indoors. Two-thirds don't give a rat's ass about what has been popularly monachered as 'christian.' The other third is okay with the knowledge that we don't know jack shit. I think that is where we are supposed to be most of the time. Trusting in what we surely do not know. Our church is lunch with our friends living out of doors. Playing cribbage. Playing the piano. Talking about their lives with them. Listening. Giving away socks, sleeping bags, tampons, shampoo, gloves, tarps, hand warmers... Giving away our respect and love.

I get to take my husband today.

soundscapes Monday morning

2009-11-23T10:29:00.000-08:00

I used to have this enveloping daydream of dancing with whales through the ocean. I was from the ocean. Salty water spirit. Exploding mischief and magic while shooting in and out of the sea. I made the whales laugh. They made me laugh, too.

I am happiest when I am within a day's walk, 2-hour drive, of mountains/ocean/forest. Lakes, rivers, trees, ocean tides. I have no concrete explanation. My being rises from within me and breathes most fully in these planes.

There is nothing like it.

acceptance of a fate Saturday

2009-11-14T18:42:00.000-08:00

Do you know what it is like? Living in the knowledge that you are ended in the event of any major disaster? Subtracting the obvious- billionaires, politicians, persons of power/influence in the known world, etc. Among those of us left behind- there are we of more tightly sealed fates.

I am not aged. I am living on borrowed time. Time that runs out when the system does. Though I am young, if I did survive the throws, I would be at my end. Life outside of the system is numbered in months.

So. I live within driving distance of Hospitals. I live in societies adhering to modern medicine. On borrowed time. How does one thrive in the limited life? Life that rides on the shoulders of death. How? It gives one vertigo to open this thought-way.

In this state of existence I must then choose my beliefs about any options after death. Whether it be belief in atheistic Science, belief in Darwinism, belief in Reincarnation, belief in a next place; Heaven...

Why do I choose what it is I choose? Why?

Does this question matter? Is our existence meant to be of questioning?

I watch my body change slowly from child to adult. My skin tints and folds infinitesimally every day.

I firmly believe in the hope that there must be a great and good purpose! I must believe it!

If I never see it proven. I must believe it.

Crying out to God.

paper wings Thursday

2009-11-12T16:14:00.000-08:00

Is there a point to human existence on earth? Is there a point to existence? Would there be any questions without humans? If there is a point to any of it, all of it- it's beyond my reach.

Why do I still have hope, then? (because I do.)

Does that question really need an answer?

white winter hymnal Thursday

2009-11-05T09:05:00.000-08:00

I believe that my skin, my body, is not my self. What my physical senses can know is not ultimate reality. That kind of puts a cramp in my earthly style.

I get stuck on the self-preservation issue. Am I not supposed to have it? The instinct to maintain my life at anny cost?? The possibility of attack on my physical life should, perhaps, not bring me resolve to let go of it... In dreams where I am dying, being attacked, murdered- I smile and say 'I'm ready.' 'I forgive you.' 'Jesus loves you.' And I am happy. At peace, I think, is the experience. Then I wake up. I love life. Being alive. It's fucking crazy what life is in this place. Earth. 99% darkness and misery. 1% fucking knock the wind out of you mind-blowing. That 1% light conquers the misery. For me anyway. The Clair de Lune moments. Getting back on the surfboard in spite of the terror of imminent physical annihilation- and screaming with incredulous triumph, riding the waves like a king on a firey chariot; one with God and the smallness of existence.

I live in perpetual 'otherness'.

november rain Monday (it's sunny)

2009-11-02T08:21:00.000-08:00

I have been on the road and across the sea these past 4.5 weeks. Friends, surfing, hiking, Germany, Paris, seeing my husband for the 3rd time this year. Life is a scary precious way.

I love fall becoming winter. Cutting crunchy air siezing steamy particles in a smoky dance out of your mouth; I love that one. I also love not shaving my legs for 6-8 months out of the year- no one is going to see them anywho. Comfort within snug long'underwear may cause one or two occurrences of jungle control... :) It will all depend on whether I deem tugging long'johns, or, the battle of the shaving, more bothersome. Haha! Oh, but it is true!

Let's all just fucking group hug and swig hot Christmas! That's when my husband comes home. :)

shit face and the optimist Tuesday

2009-09-29T16:01:00.000-07:00

It starts with not wanting to wake up. Waking up inevitably wins. Not wanting to take a shower. Not wanting to change out of pajamas. Not wanting to go outside. Not wanting to leave my bed. I get hungry. it's not worth it to actaully do it. All because I am waiting for one big thing to fall into place. That one thing is dependent upon another person. Waiting for this runs over into waiting on everything. This is stagnation in wake of impending failure. Failure.

It starts with a dull, hollow ache in the barrel of my chest. Not wanting to be strong anymore. Wanting to be selfish. Wanting to say, knowing there is nothing to be done about it. So, I mourn. I give myself one day, when I the months have built past what can be numbed and closed up in a dresser drawers until my time is complete. I sleep with the tissue box. Fists full of soft white papery wrapping for my quiet crying. Guilt for having this in control of my time and schedule. Need for it to be. So, I stay in bed and cry in silence. Until the pieces let up to be patched together again. Patchwork lady. I am a patchwork lady. A lady I surely must be. Must stride forward. A Lady. Lady Patchwork. lady Triumphant. And patched together, for the time being.

I get out of bed. I shower. I change out of my pajamas. I eat.

I rise up. I carry on.

life of perpetual touched Wednesday

2009-09-23T13:53:00.001-07:00

small electric fan blowing from the floor Tuesday evening

2009-09-22T20:49:00.000-07:00

With all that I write from all that I experience and contemplate I exist in the knowledge that life is good- for me. I also exist in the knowledge that I have extraordinarily tiny wrists. Or, maybe it is just that my hands are so perfunctorily square that my wrists are bystanders in a sort of optical illusion. The point, as I see it, is that I was born in a fairly free situation in life.
I have access to clean water, as of now. I have access to all manner of education- though that means being indebted for all time- I have the option to learn anything. I have access to knowledge and learning in every waking second. I can pay for food to be prepared for me, served to me, and all my dishes cleaned up- food from hundreds of cultures and culinary traditions. I have fast and private transportation. When gas becomes redonkulously priced or scarce- I will most likely have access to bicycles and rollerskates. I have health care. I have health care. That's crazy! Life is good, for me, for now.

My inner workings wrestle with the eminent possibility that all of these externals will flee.

We ARE all just one paycheck, one accident, one foot's slip away from poverty and deprivation. From losing all. (and possibly physical life.)

That is what I wrestle with. What I incessantly write about- conversing with myself as in a state of war.

I have food. I have shelter. I have running and clean water. I have access to physicians and medicine; natural medicine adn healing practices. I know how to read and write. I know how to work to decipher falsehood from what is true. I know that I do not know everything (even when I am bent on expounding otherwise- old habits...). I know that mine is not the ultimate and only valid view- nor is my culture's, nor society's view. Nor is any one else's, nor any other culture's nor society's.

That's all I have so far.

adherence tendencies Sunday am

2009-09-20T00:36:00.000-07:00

I wrestle with, in long heaving spurts (typically when I am in an environment requiring communication with other human beings), transience. My whole life up to this point has survived on transience. Brevity. Perhaps deep & intimate contact with a select few. Still, always brevity. Even in long term relationships with others my innermost person allowed exposure only briefly and, then, lights out for anyone but myself. Lights out for me sometimes as well.

The conflict. I adhere my heart into the lives and person of each one I know & meet. It cuts me. Sharp precise jabs of hurt when I love all the while knowing it will not be reciprocated in kind. Thus, brevity. Transience.

I am working on this. My transient heart. My transient soul. My transient spirit.

happiness invades the wee am Tuesday :)

2009-09-15T00:57:00.000-07:00

awake Saturday 1am

2009-09-12T01:14:00.000-07:00

I do not believe that God wants us to hurt.

I do believe that magic exists.

I do not believe that music is simply to be listened to or played in marionet.

I do believe that each human carries the same value as each other human; priceless, and loved.

I do not believe in myself.

I do believe in myself.

I do not limit the holding of beliefs to one finite resolution.

I do love water.

I do not agree with Americanized Jesus.

I do accept and strive to listen to those I do not agree with. :)

I do not believe that God wants us to hurt.

I do belive that God wants us to exist in Love.

I do not believe I have answers.

I do believe.

jim croce radio on pandora Wed. pm- Thurs. am :)

2009-09-10T00:39:00.001-07:00

Insane searching for real! Truth! Genuine humanity! I imbibe you,open hearts with honest mouths, to the craving marrow of my soul and bones!

Helpers-

The Wisdom of the Enneagram
Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith
Earth and High Heaven
The Siren
A Whole New Mind
Rose Daughter
Spindle's End
*everyone affiliated with my family of the outdoors.

one more thing Sunday night

2009-09-06T23:44:00.000-07:00

The Paul Young Interview from Recycle Your Faith on Vimeo.

listening to frou frou Sunday night

2009-09-06T21:11:00.000-07:00

I am in an in-between state. I need to go to sleep and I am not tired. My body is telling me to stop- stop what, not sure. My mind is telling me to go- go where...

My papers need organizing, my kitchen needs cleaning, my laundry needs re-doing (as I have discovered my error in only using the pr-wash cycle these past weeks). I spent all day yesterday hauling wet gravel, shoving around bark, digging, digging, digging. My body was pleasantly sore until an hour ago. Now it is whaling at me to fix, fix, fix! Fix these problems of muscle, tendon, bone, and organs! I am at a loss as to what I need. I am hoping for exhaustion to slam into me and create unconsciousness. :) That is the plan for now.

ps I really, really enjoy the Finally Woken album by Jem. Mucho. Que bueno.

Have you ever had several days of sporadic chin spasms? It is awkward beyond humor. Particularly when it is localized to only one half of the chin. Quiver face. Hot.

Why aren't there more 24 hour 'we always deliver' food places in the world? I love those places. Why can't you live in my neighborhood? Just that one New York convenience without all of the inconvenience of New York. :) We should work this out.

----

My used-to-be sweet lil' ol' neighbor lady just sent me this:

"I am sending you my first official text message to you. My niece has shown me some of the tricks of the trade, but like any new learning adventure it takes time to learn the basics. So don't "lol" (laugh out loud). "GTG" (got to go)."

Oh life. I did laugh out loud. I don't even use GTG! Hahaha! She wins. :] So cute.

----

I love you all. All of you humans. Crazy, full of beauty, people.

Goodnight.

kings of leon radio pandora style Thursday

2009-09-03T13:49:00.000-07:00

I have these moments. In my vehicle. Driving.
I am driving and there is no other reality, never has been any other reality, than Jesus and I in motion. I sigh knowing that Jesus is there, has always been with me. Like the best friend, older sibling, otherworldly diety of dieties whom basically lives at your house. I think that is actually the other way around. I am that friend. The one climbing the tree into Jesus' window to stay up talking and watch the sky while the rest of the world turns around us. I tell Jesus everything. I tell Jesus how much I love my husband, and all of the details as to why I am desperately grateful for him. I tell Jesus how much I miss my husband. I tell Jesus how I am ready to leave this life when it comes to that. I tell Jesus how I am afraid of being old- really old; it terrifies me. I tell Jesus of how I think, in spite of my fears, sagely beauty will be the best fit for my soul.

I cry and beg Jesus never to put me in a situation where I am blackmailed to the forfeit of another's life- physical or otherwise; I will ALWAYS forfeit mine. I cry because I know my husband would not understand why. So I beg Jesus to not put me in that place. Then I cry in softer shades of acceptance if I ever do get put there. I know my decision. Jesus will take care of everone else.

I sigh and smile like a deep green river. That is the best I can describe the feeling resonating within me. When Jesus and I see good among humanity. When I see clouds. When I curl my fingers with Jesus' and we watch the rain. Jesus is there when all I want to do is kiss the trees. Jesus is there when all I want to do is burn everything while I wail from the depths of all fucking sorrow and anguish. Jesus loves me when I yell at people in my mind. Jesus takes my hands when I raise them to the sky instead of cringing "Fuck You All" through the cracks of my teeth.

I do have these moments.

Someday they will be my every moments.

Thank God.

goodnight everybody sunday

2009-08-30T21:17:00.001-07:00

You are valuable. I want to value you more.

no, no, no, no, no Sunday night

2009-08-30T20:37:00.000-07:00

I don't want to have kids. I stare at pictures of children that have been brought into this world. Bloated, abused, angry, mourning their existence. I see cognitively burgeouning kids beeing fed whatever those in power (adults, the rich, the mean, the murderously well-meaning); 99% of these kids will fester in these narrow-minded spewings of advice. Another mass of that number will take life, either from another...others, or, from themselves- or both. I can't be a parent. I can't do that to another human'being. It is selfish and cruel. How, can one wouned rat of a human'being trying to simply keep from bleeding out, how can such a one ever raise another human being without cutting every section of that little one's soul into minced ash?

I don't want that responsibility.

I can't even think about it.

I will fuck it all up. Fucked up souls because of me.

I can't do it.

I don't even know what I fucking believe! How am I supposed to answer any child?! Any fucking person!? Why do I even fucking open my mouth!? But I do! It's a fucking disease! Like I fucking know shit! I know nothing! Nothing! I know nothing.

[don't worry I will recover enough to maintain life].

I just want Jesus to come RIGHT NOW and set us free from this hell.

There is no such fucking thing as enlightenment. If you get to anything near it- you're fucking missing the boat. We are all souls trapped in racks of skin and riggles of gray matter. Accept that while you sit in your field of grass and singing birds with your purified water and organic clothes- families are being chopped with machetes, children are being raped,people are being raped, people are being held captive and starved to death in tidy suburban basements, kids are being shot for the sake of some group's "cause."... I can't purposefully bring another life into this place- I can't parent any child into this place. I am already a conduit to the system. To my misery and demise. God help us. Please help us. Please help us. Please help us. Please help us. Please help us. Please help us.

This isn't where we are supposed to be. We are supposed to be free. What does that even mean, God?

...what does anything fucking mean? i just want to take off all of my clothes, walk into the river and cry until it floods the earth.

oh, God. Please help. Please help. Please help.

Cat Steven's "Peace Train" (my life) Tuesday

2009-08-24T21:39:00.000-07:00

Now I've been happy lately
Thinking about the good things to come
And I believe it could be
Something good has begun
I've been smiling lately
Dreaming about the world as one
And I believe it could be
Something good's bound to come

For out on the edge of darkness
There runs the peace train
Peace train take this country
Come take me home again

Peace train sounding louder
Ride on the peace train
Hoo-ah-eeh-ah-hoo-ah
Come on the peace train
Peace train's a holy roller
Everyone jump upon the peace train
Hoo-ah-eeh-ah-hoo-ah
This is the peace train

Get your bags together
Come bring your good friends too
Because it's getting nearer
Soon it will be with you
Come and join the living
It's not so far from you
And it's getting nearer
Soon it will all be true

Peace train sounding louder
Ride on the peace train
Hoo-ah-eeh-ah-hoo-ah
Come on the peace train

I've been crying lately
Thinking about the world as it is
Why must we go on hating?
Why can't we live in bliss?

For out on the edge of darkness
There rides the peace train
Peace train take this country
Come take me home again

Peace train sounding louder
Ride on the peace train
Hoo-ah-eeh-ah-hoo-ah
Come on the peace train

Come on, come on, come on the peace train...

I heart Regina Spektor's music Tuesday

2009-08-18T10:43:00.000-07:00

I am moving to here.

Today I am going through my entire house and clumping together all unnecessary things. This menagerie will be gleaned out among friends first and then packed off to Goodwill.

Survival tactic: iTUnes DJ. (Yessss).

we're just two lost souls swimming in a pink floyd song Saturday

2009-08-15T21:35:00.000-07:00

Second night in a row of watching The Lost Boys before I bring my day to a close; delicious 80's movie. De-lish-usss. Mmmmmmmm :) I need to nab The Goonies next. Oh. Yes.

I am thinking of giving away a lot of my clothes. I am also thinking of getting some hot old-school ray-bans, but that's another story.

It's just that itch to give away everything. I have gotten rid of my things roughly at the turn of each year in my inwardly-conscious life. I just want it all gone. I think this is 60% healthy for me. That other 40%...I need to hang on to...something. I don't have to be a nomad anymore. I don't have to live in a constant state of 'prepare for the worst'. I should want to fight to live. I should want to fight to have happiness, security, love. I should be able to fully, completely, and absolutely vulnerably...love. I know this. I acknowledge. That's the first step to recovery, I guess. I think. I hope.

I just want to breathe.

I can't breathe.

Sometimes I catch a gasp. An hour of dancing alone in the dark. An automatic, unhindered hug towards another. An hour of loud, broken, wailing sobs embraced like food. I just wan tot be free, Jesus. I want to be free. Help me to breathe.

Help me to breathe.

Thanks for the bits. My smiles are all for you. My tears are all for you, too.

Jesus. goodnite...

Thank you cosmos for 'Julie & Julia' and Judy Saturday

2009-08-08T18:24:00.000-07:00

Interpersonal update from 'Letter to V'-

"Reading through [this] now I am not in the fear that I was. It is always possible to be 'marked' by this type of encounter, for later, which will certainly be in the back of my mind for a while. However, my soul and spirit and mind are free; I have to keep repeating this to myself (have had to for years). Jesus said to love God and love people. It is an all inclusive package. Why should anyone have love for me if I do not have love for even just one person? Even if that person wants to peel the skin from my body while I watch [which I have not quite wrapped my mind/heart around- working on it]. Even if that person is Adolf Hitler [Dito- it's just so fucking insane! But I believe in it! Ga!!!]. Even if that person is annoying. Even if that person is too loud, too quiet, too whatever. Even if that person is a prowling slave-trader wearing a suit and tie on a walk through Downtown. I think that is all that I can express as to where I currently am. Will I piss myself and cry if this man or anyone of his ilk do ever take me? You fucking bet your ass. [This does not make me a coward. Anyone who thinks so is in jack-ass mode.My body is subject to this world and will do what it will under abuse. I- me, I am free.] Will I have moments of billowing fury when I think of the people that become prey to such as him? For the rest of my life. The Good: I am now equipped with an experience out of which to teach others. Thank God. Help us God. Help us Jesus. Ya... It'll be an ongoing conversation." -Me

Just watched "Julie and Julia." What an effervescent release! A melt in your mouth movie experience to savour on a cloudy day. (sigh of utter contentitude and longing for a French dinner- right now). :)

It was a much needed lift in my sagging life.

Travel and lack of sleep have caught up with me. I have that thing where the passageway which travels from the nostrils through the inards of the neck and down into the cavity of the chest feels like scritchy, scratchy, dull-burning, poky nettle smuck. It is also the type of walking in a state of prolonged and dogged pre-fever. All the while helping my neighbor move from two-stories to 700sq. feet across town (which! I love! And it has been tough only for the fact that I am a cooked slug).

My neighbor. (sigh of bittersweetitude). She won't be my neighbor anymore. She'll be across town in a condo. She'll have new neighbors. I am going to miss having a sweet little biddy on each side of my house. Now I will have only one little biddy.

I am going to wake up tomorrow, sit up in bed and realize that my flowers need watering because my neighbor got up at 5am and watered her flowers across town instead of next door and, in-so doing from the goodness of her candy heart, watered all of mine, too. When she gets sick, I won't know. I won't know to buy her a copy of Good Housekeeping and put it in a party-bag full of Saltine's and Chicken Noodle Soup. Because, she won't live next door anymore. I won't find flyers wedged in my front door for classical concerts for us to enjoy together. I won't wave to her in her window as I drive away to tackle my grocery list. I won't be the one buying her groceries when there is two feet of snow in her driveway. She was the best neighbor I ever had. My very first, best, neighbor. and I am so sad that she won't be there anymore. I am so sad; she's gone, now. She was my friend. My very loving and thoughtful friend. Who is going to be loving and thoughtful to her now?

I know she will have nice, good people to be neighbors with. The people in the condo next to hers have a planter on their front step in the shape of a cheerful piggy, for crying out loud. (sigh). She was just the absolute best and I am going to miss having her around here.

I hope you all have neighbors half as special- for then your life would truly be blessed.

breezy Friday

2009-07-24T19:51:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up and visited with my husband. That always makes my life beautiful.

I decided to get out of the house and out into this tantalizing day. I have been recently okayed to eat small doses of wheat- Pizza! I stopped by Pizzicato and ordered one slice of Putanesca and one slice of Veggie. Mmmmmmm. The three of us traipsed over to some public grass under a public tree to bask in public sparkling shade; the kind that dances with sunbeams. I snagged a blanket from my trunk and a bottle of water from my bag- voila- picnic in the park. I listened to two little girls racing clumsily around the playground while they played 'who screams the loudest and for how long.' It was thoroughly delicious to every lotion of my soul. I think I would like to picnic again in my very near future.

After I made oracular love to my pizza and water, I mosied on over to smoothie land. 20 ounces of raspberry-mango-pineapple-blueberry goodness. I took my spoils to the bookstore and perused around until fully satisfied with the grazing over new covers with my fingertips. mmmm. I love plopping down into a warm, almost steamy, vehicle after being in an air conditioned space. I relished in the heat of my automobile for a good 10 minutes after leaving the bookstore. I simply sat, eyes closed, head back against the driver's seat, breathing deeply. After my therapy session was up I drove on over to my free-movie (those club cards actually pay off).

Now I am home after popping in to the grocery store for my wheat representative: Toasty O's. :] Add a little rice milk and be thou in a heavenly state. (Totally my dinner tonight).

I love you. Jesus loves you. Let's each have a bowl of cereal.

letter to V Friday

2009-07-24T00:38:00.000-07:00

I was going to call you but I am calmer now. I would still like the spiritual support that I have heard you mention that you are comfortable with.

Tonight, while I was in P. Square after we served all of the burritos, I was watching the bags while J and G went to get someone a sandwich.

I was sitting on a bench with K's bag, the friend's bag, the burrito Ikea bag, and J's purse. I was wearing my long dress, which you saw, and my usual old lady straw hat.

After a few moments, a man who looked like your average Pland business guy- black shoes, slacks, black jacket with toggles for buttons, wearing a tie and nice sunglasses, short cropped hair- business guy appearance- he was walking by and looked my way. He asked "Excuse me, are you from Portland?" I got up, now thinking he was a tourist, and said ""Yes."

Man: "Do you know of any camping places nearby"

Me: "What do you mean? What kind of camping?" "In the city, or, in the woods?"

Man: "I'm looking for the kind of camps where homeless youth stay. Are there any places in the city?"

Me: "That's being worked on right now, but currently, it's illegal to camp in the city. There are some places, like [place] by the airport that are permanent as of now."

Man: "[place]? Where's that; how do you get there?"

Me: "It's kind of a tent city by the airport. You can take [road] to [road]."

Man: "I'm kind of down on my luck and I'm working for this celebrity in Las Vegas that wants me to shoot adult portraits to send down to Mexico. You're 18?"

Me: "Over."

Man: "Ok. Good. I'm looking for girls in these camps where the homeless youth are to make some videos- you're not a street kid are you?"

Me: "No."

Man: "Ok. You're not a church girl are you?"

Me: "That doesn't really exist up here."

Man: "Good, because one of the questions I need to ask- Do you, do you fuck out?"

Me: "No, I don't."

Man:"Ok. Do you smoke any bud?"

Me:"No, I don't, but I'm sure you can find someone around who does."

Man: "Ok." we shake hands "What was your name?"

Me :"Zo." I was still in an out of body state before I thought 'don't say anything-or- get his name or card.'

Man: "Zo, ok, have a good night."

He walked of going north away from the square. A few moments later, J and the other two came back. I was still in disbelief and slowly beginning to process my encounter while I told them what happened like a joke.

It did not take very long for me to become angry, fearful, anxious about this man and his plans. I walked to where I saw a uniform. It ended up being a Square patrol (not a cop), so I told him I was solicited and gave him a description.
On the drive to drop off the bags at Ken's, my rage and fury painted every bit of me. I was very happy to give you a small hug when we made it there.

I called the police on my way home and left them a voicemail with a brief detail of the occurrence and a description.

The anxiety kept building along with my anger. What if I can't be safe when we go to the Square anymore? What about all of those girls and women this man and others like him get to before the police catch him? I shook his hand and was patient with him, while he endeavored to enslave me. I was alone. I’m small. I’m not physically strong. It is awful to be stuck in this physical state. I was alone. He could find me. I am mad for having to worry about these things. Jesus loves him. I have God’s love and mercy for him. I showed him love. But, I want him to go to prison. There are men and women like this man who are wrangling women and boys and men into sexual slavery. And, I want to help them be clean in their hearts. And, I am helpless.

I am working through a lot of things in my heart and mind about the experience. This guy is still out there. I am supposed to be Jesus to him. I am furious and anxiety ridden for me and women and men; and sad for this man.

I am in a state of philosophical, theological, physiological, spiritual, everything-ogical chaos. But not chaos, at the same time; all twisting and clawing at my being.

I am watching tv episodes online until I pass out. I am also self-medicating with sugary gum. It’s a great novacaine.
God is teaching me something, whatever the fuck it is.

So, lift me up to God, please. I need assistance.
Necesito ayudas, Jesus.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Thursday

2009-07-23T21:46:00.000-07:00

I am mad at the world, a little bit.

I was solicited for prostitution this evening. Unless the police find him, there will be women being enslaved.

If Jesus came back right now, everything would be fixed.

It is conflicting to have love/pity/hope for this man and the people he works for; hope that they will meet the face of God. Outrage, woe, loving'kindness, etc.

thx Neil Patrick Harris Wednesday

2009-07-15T22:45:00.000-07:00

Catch Phrase is in the all time hall of my fame game hall. (of fame).

http://www.hulu.com/watch/28343/dr-horribles-sing-along-blog

You need this. Watch it. It will make you happy. :)

mildly depressed but not but yes Thursday

2009-07-09T12:39:00.000-07:00

Even Michael Buble can't make my spirit sway toward the light. I am not drowning. If I was, I would be in bed with the pillows marshmallowing my face. I am not at an impasse. I am at , not a fork int the road, perhaps, maybe, I am on the edges of the pages of my life. They are frayed, worn, yellowed, and smell great. Dusty old book life. I am in the spot where I slowly cut through the plastic wrap around my heart and mind. Depressing, but more of an unknown that is terrifying- but I long for it so exceedingly that I cannot stay here. But it is terrifying to leave. Why have I been daydreaming about becoming a shut in. Daydreaming that once I accepted agoraphobia that I would be truly in a constant and continual state of relief. This is just not true. WTF. :) I knew this. I know that I knew this all along. I also know that I knew if it could just happen it would be true. But I knew it wouldn't. I love myself. I have faith in myself, to a degree. I am safe. My life has slowly curled tighter and tighter around the insatiable hunger and thirst for safety. Now what do I do? Knowing that safety is sterile, in my case. Sterility is not how I want to live. That is terrifying to admit, to accept, and where the fuck is my twelve-step program?

I thought that I was above the mess. Not fully. Just enough to be free to the ankles. I am now discovering, unpleasantly, that I am 5 feet under. At least now I have an oxygen tank. So. I have realized that I did not know how to breathe, did not know how to swim and have been floating sideways and upside down in my desire for safety over life. So. God help me. Help me. Help me. Help me.

Not depressed. Just fetal. But conscious, now. Fully? Not yet.

i wrote this last tuesday Wednesday

2009-07-08T11:23:00.000-07:00

hey. i'm up.

Thursday, July 2, 2009 at 11:42pm

it's sultry tonight. steamy air bows aside for whirling breezes created by winding plastic wings. all pointed at me.

the proclaimers are moved so by my tear drops, they're running down my face. diamonds of water and salt from my body, coming down to meet their kisses. that is what they sing to me. i can accept the antithesis to my current state. teardrops kissed by the proclaimers. dry cheeks kissed by no one. not until I hear Alvin and the Chipmunks caroling over supermarket speakers. happy tears kissed happily. stay tuned.

sometimes i dream i can fly. i am walking down a public hallway. glance sideways at vacant faces. leering faces. my steps increase to hip hop video status. faces blur. i run. i run until a am wind-whipped of my clothing and cares. wings flow from me and i am a new being. delicious dreams.

i dream. i dream i am in a prison. wrongfully held. ignorantly punished. "they want to kill me." it is a prison camp. the bodies in x-ray chains mill. recognition. i know them. homeless. friends. we are pariah. cattled. slowly guillotined. power must die first. i am a fence dweller. not homeless. not other. other want to kill me. no fence dwellers. dangerous. have voice. can change. i must escape. they want to kill me. my dream ends hiding on a gritty cement floor slacked with sweat and fear. determination to get out. speak out. not cattle. human being. human beings. parts of the whole. real dream. not the whole. too graphic.

I dream. most nights. deeply.

must learn from my dreams. no other option.

unknown. how. do first. think later.

ok.

i am floored by the beauty of power within a person.

you are full of beauty.

you are full of power.

i love you.

-by Me