GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Thursday

I am mad at the world, a little bit.

I was solicited for prostitution this evening. Unless the police find him, there will be women being enslaved.

If Jesus came back right now, everything would be fixed.

It is conflicting to have love/pity/hope for this man and the people he works for; hope that they will meet the face of God. Outrage, woe, loving'kindness, etc.

thx Neil Patrick Harris Wednesday

Catch Phrase is in the all time hall of my fame game hall. (of fame).


http://www.hulu.com/watch/28343/dr-horribles-sing-along-blog

You need this. Watch it. It will make you happy. :)

mildly depressed but not but yes Thursday

Even Michael Buble can't make my spirit sway toward the light. I am not drowning. If I was, I would be in bed with the pillows marshmallowing my face. I am not at an impasse. I am at , not a fork int the road, perhaps, maybe, I am on the edges of the pages of my life. They are frayed, worn, yellowed, and smell great. Dusty old book life. I am in the spot where I slowly cut through the plastic wrap around my heart and mind. Depressing, but more of an unknown that is terrifying- but I long for it so exceedingly that I cannot stay here. But it is terrifying to leave. Why have I been daydreaming about becoming a shut in. Daydreaming that once I accepted agoraphobia that I would be truly in a constant and continual state of relief. This is just not true. WTF. :) I knew this. I know that I knew this all along. I also know that I knew if it could just happen it would be true. But I knew it wouldn't. I love myself. I have faith in myself, to a degree. I am safe. My life has slowly curled tighter and tighter around the insatiable hunger and thirst for safety. Now what do I do? Knowing that safety is sterile, in my case. Sterility is not how I want to live. That is terrifying to admit, to accept, and where the fuck is my twelve-step program?

I thought that I was above the mess. Not fully. Just enough to be free to the ankles. I am now discovering, unpleasantly, that I am 5 feet under. At least now I have an oxygen tank. So. I have realized that I did not know how to breathe, did not know how to swim and have been floating sideways and upside down in my desire for safety over life. So. God help me. Help me. Help me. Help me.

Not depressed. Just fetal. But conscious, now. Fully? Not yet.

i wrote this last tuesday Wednesday

hey. i'm up.

Thursday, July 2, 2009 at 11:42pm

it's sultry tonight. steamy air bows aside for whirling breezes created by winding plastic wings. all pointed at me.

the proclaimers are moved so by my tear drops, they're running down my face. diamonds of water and salt from my body, coming down to meet their kisses. that is what they sing to me. i can accept the antithesis to my current state. teardrops kissed by the proclaimers. dry cheeks kissed by no one. not until I hear Alvin and the Chipmunks caroling over supermarket speakers. happy tears kissed happily. stay tuned.

sometimes i dream i can fly. i am walking down a public hallway. glance sideways at vacant faces. leering faces. my steps increase to hip hop video status. faces blur. i run. i run until a am wind-whipped of my clothing and cares. wings flow from me and i am a new being. delicious dreams.

i dream. i dream i am in a prison. wrongfully held. ignorantly punished. "they want to kill me." it is a prison camp. the bodies in x-ray chains mill. recognition. i know them. homeless. friends. we are pariah. cattled. slowly guillotined. power must die first. i am a fence dweller. not homeless. not other. other want to kill me. no fence dwellers. dangerous. have voice. can change. i must escape. they want to kill me. my dream ends hiding on a gritty cement floor slacked with sweat and fear. determination to get out. speak out. not cattle. human being. human beings. parts of the whole. real dream. not the whole. too graphic.


I dream. most nights. deeply.

must learn from my dreams. no other option.

unknown. how. do first. think later.

ok.

i am floored by the beauty of power within a person.

you are full of beauty.

you are full of power.

i love you.

-by Me

heart of life is good Tuesday

Finished Ann Lamott's "Traveling Mercies"... I will be reading the others very very soon. She writes in a vignette style that I want more and more of.

Life is hard. I want to stay in my world of books forever. I want to be loved. I want to be an effective human being in this world. How do I make those desires work?

I want to unplug from the global communications system. I want to document my life and share it with the world. But I don't. But I do. But I... You see my problem?

I would of made a good nun, were I Catholic. That is, until I drove myself mad with longing for freedom of expression in relation to my mind, body, spirit, and relationships with other people.Only to desperately gasp for solitary air. Only to then...

I am in deep empathy to the rubber band.

old school Monica Friday

My cat has flopped across my bedroom floor with his back to the wall where a breeze from a portable fan bounces off to cool him down. I am cooling down with 90's HipHop and R&B. Nothing better.


I love water. I love drinking hot water, cold water, lukewarm water. I love swimming in water, bathing in water, cooking with water; water is amazing! Amazing!

I am a paradox. A multiple paradox (just go with it). 800 paradox's in one person. I am paradoxology.

My Mantra:

I am not a failure! I am not a failure! I am not a failure!

and

I am powerful. I am full of beauty. I am strong. I am thankful. I am fucking AMAZING!

whew Thursday

I have wanted a tattoo behind my right ear, off and on, for about 8 years. I decided it would be the Greek verse Phil 1:21 "For to me to live [is] Christ, and to die [is] gain." What this verse means for me beyond exactly what it states- I do not know. I am still scrubbing out the poisonous voices of rotted "believers." So, I have no knowledge to translate my own unintelligible soul mutterings about God and Jesus, etc. I do know that alive is Christ (Anointed One) and dead is true and absolute freedom. That is the extent of my knowledge.


Thinking about getting the tattoo. I'll probably think about it for another 8 years.


"It took me a while and quite a few bruises to finally discover that the best life I am meant to live and the ever-elusive purpose I am meant to possess is actually right in front of me right now. I already have it." -Pretty Interesting Pam 2009

Dito, Pam.