wednesday

i try to be honest and open. this requires me to trust. and i do. not everyone. relatively few. the few i do; i will bleed myself to be open with. this does not always go well. which is why it is so difficult to open up at all. if i do not live open and honest, though, i am dead. i am trying not to live dead. i have lived dead most of my life.

i have to trust that those i trust know who i am. at least, who i am determined to be. better. stronger. more open.

as i said, this does not always turn out well. i hope a light turns on for us to understand. it is worth it to me.

tell me how i have not proven myself loyal. tell me how i have not proven myself devoted. tell me what i have done to show anti-love and support. otherwise, tell me how you see us moving forward with what is shared. for understanding. it is worth it to me.


i am good at accepting no longer being wanted. i wear it well. this does not stop my being from wanting ones who do not want me. i will let go of those who ask or demand it. so far as my heart can cry. it heals over eventually. the memory dies after 10 or 15 years. maybe. not always. not in important instances. it is worth it to me to stand ground until cut down. because love is worth it.

well, people leave all the time. it's what people do. i stay. i want to stay. not to say that i am not good at leaving. poisonous people have found that i disappear very well. i try my deepest to be certain there is nothing else before walking away. i never like it. i heal and life moves forward.


i grew up in house where i was not able to speak my truth. my real thoughts and feelings. my relationships throughout my life, minus a handful, were the same scenario. i do not want that anymore. i have had the last two years to turn that mountain aside. i still have to walk through the crater it left in it's place. someday there will be a meadow there. and sunlight forever. soft rain and cool lakes. healed. flourish. i move to flourish. i will swim naked there in the haven where once my being rotted in pus and bile. cool, clean water. soft, green grass. quiet, restful peace. flourish. i move to flourish.

forgive me for not realizing how i share was not helpful at all. i was unaware. i would like to work on that. i was open and honest with no intent to injure. please help me know a better way with you. i love you.


i met you and you were fire standing in human form. you awe me. you are THE most striking being i have ever known. i adore you. i admire you. i look up to you in how to face demons in my life & the lives of ones i love. i want to bring you nothing but happiness and safety. i am sorry that i did not do that last time. i did not think i came out that way. i was calm and clear of mind when i shared with you. it came out poorly to you. you do know i have confessed that i am no good at one-on-one communication. this example must be the jewel in that crown i wear. please forgive my way of sharing.

i will try to re-do.

when you left. i was not sure you liked your time with me. i remember unhappy words. some were pointed at me. i felt cornered by my experience of these things. i did not understand why these things would have happened. i took time to be sure i really did feel that this was important. i should have waited and asked you how you would like to communicate about something important i needed to share. you have shared that you had a great time, do not remember many unhappy words & that anything said was not intended as hurtful. i believe you wholeheartedly and am done with it.

we each experienced a case of unintentional injury. the first day i met you, i forgave for anything you would ever say or do. this does not mean that i am not human and do not need to work through anger when hurt- especially when i do not know it was unintentional at the time. i speak strongly when it is important to being real with people i love and give myself to. i do this because you give me strength and courage to do so. you are the one who gave me strength to start saying No to toxic people in my life. so, i want to share pain with you when i feel it. i am glad you shared your pain with me. i am sad that i caused it. please forgive me.

i love you.

time goes saturday

June is almost over.

April...what did I do in April? Work.

May...Backstage work for a theatre production.

June...ran the theatre production. Quit my job. Made two new friends.

Next week...back to the gym. I need to feel alive. I have been trying to feel alive. What I am choosing is not working. So, exercise is my next choice. If I hurt and wrestle with the weakling in me, then, maybe I will feel a bit more alive.

I have been trying to work myself out and am having trouble breaking through the top soil. I wan to stop beating my head against the same brick wall...any brick wall. I want a nose job so that I will not see the etchings of my mother when I look in the mirror. I want green eyes. I want black skin. I want change. I want freedom in change. Exercise is less drastic.

tuesday tuesday

how do i want to go?

jump out of a plane with no parachute?

climb mt. everest?


taking a bullet for someone?



??

cosas Thursday

Favorites.


Perfected Pizza
Exquisite Macaroni & Cheese
Fresh Feldsalat in the lightest of mustard dressings

Clean, Cool Water.

tooty frooty sunday morning

thank you for off brand cereals.

did you know that if you are silent and still, you may be able to feel the pulsating of your heart beats cover your entire body? it is wonderful. my house is quiet and sleeping. i hear only one bird sing for a few seconds and it is gone. there is a car driving by every now and then. and I sneeze like a honking goose two times. my kind of sunday.


i am going to climb back into bed and read The Siren by kiera cass. delicious, delicious day.

sun sunday

I have mixed emotions about the sun. I enjoy seeing it, but, only when I am in the shade... preferably inside a clean and cozy room. No bugs, no sunburns. At the same time, I want to run in it. Brown in it until I crisp. Leather myself in rays of hot sweaty light. Laugh crash into the ocean to refresh my happily burning cells.

Eh, life.

responsible tuesday

i'm trying to keep up with what responsible adults do...


check the mail every day.
floss twice a day.
re-apply deodorant?


(and, recently: remember appointments you make with friends- especially when you've sent them a color-coded calendar.]