a pence more Monday

Some days I feel very very old.
Aged, really. Like I am a great great grandmother. Not tired necessarily, rather, filled with time past. Like I am just passing by on a lazy river while the world carries on. Others paddle close-by. One or two may even steady the current with me through the story book pages of my existence in this body, this world...

long long sigh and sigh Monday

Moon River, wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style some day.

Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going I'm going your way.

Two drifters off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.

We're after the same rainbow's end--
waiting 'round the bend,
my huckleberry friend,

Moon River and me.

© 1961 Paramount Music Corporation, ASCAP

i took a shower Tuesday afternoon

sometimes i feel truly alive
today it was the few moments after i finished my shower
i dried my body
looked at the hair on my legs
i was singing you got it by mr orbison
mostly because i had just finished watching boys on the side
looking down at the hair on my legs gives me peace
stability maybe
it has yet to let me down i guess
that was not the moment
it helped to create the moment
i stepped out of the diminutive tiled shower
it is the color of a morning tide pool
it makes it easier to breathe somehow
for me anyway
i had only briefly ran the stiffened pink towel down the back
of my soaked crowning hair
it is too short to be called long and too long to be called short
i run my fingers through it now and again wishing it was gone
then i think about being a woman
i overthink that for another hour and
then shake it off with a glass of water
the moments i truly felt alive today
i stayed naked
the moisture was evaporating from my skin
the soft winter daylight whispered through the burled bathroom glass window
it faces east
you can't see through it
only the light
i stood before the sink
naked and cool skinned
opening the small, plastic, center medicine cabinet door
i grabbed my toothbrush
unscrewed the cap of my toothpaste
turned on the tap and ran the combo underneath
as i started the rhythm of small circular movement back and forth
across the secret world that is my teeth
i felt it
i closed the small mirrored door to stare at myself
my hand content to carry on without me
cold drops of clear water
running from my scalp to the edges of my hair
falling like velvet kisses
the kind you get on your cheek from nieces and nephews on easter
it was like dying
i have found many times that feeling truly alive involves variants of death
each cold fall finding rest in the crook between neck and shoulder
slowly tracing the light from behind me
sliding towards it
to roll over and down my shoulder blade
slide noiselessly across the narrows of my collarbone
i could only know that i wanted to cry
to know what it might be like if i did cry
staring in the mirror
watching water fall from the tips of my hair
i was being touched
someone touching my skin
it was myself
the crying spirit inside of me
the one thankful for this moment
thankful for the pain of being alive
scared of having to be alive until i die
death will be better
until then
God send me courage
send me drops of peace
water on my naked body
water on my soul

i finished brushing my teeth
i like running my rinsed toothbrush back over them
especially behind each tooth
i also brush my tongue
it makes me smile
wrapping the now damp towel around my head like a pink cocoon
i dress
and sigh
and try to think of other things


i love being naked
i love being bundled
i am learning to feel truly alive
for more than the moments
some days
someday
i believe in someday
just like today believes in me

sigh
i will die if otherwise
the kind of dying that lasts your whole life

no to that
yes to hope
even when i am alone
angry
forlorn
ambivalent
woe begotten
self piteous
etc
i am never entirely lost of my hope
in the knowledge that life is true
being alive is just half of life

help me to understand this

life after cancer is still a bitch. :)a fucking fucked the fuck up'd one! hahahahahaha! Jesus help me I'm fucking laughing! Shit :) ya. FUCK.

i love You
thanks from me to You, always. always.

history repeating is there purpose wednesday

What do you have to say about talk of the Burka being Banned in France?

Where does this lead? Muslim women can't leave their homes in France? What about Buddhist nuns? What about...what about...? What's really going on, France?

friend k: France boasts a pretty large Muslim minority and they are the center of quite a bit of contention. They have been talking about banning the Burka for awhile now. If they do it will be huge. In November the Swiss voted to put a ban on the construction of minarets on Muslim mosques. Europe and Islam are not getting along with now (to put it mildly).

friend l: I'm shocked? I don't know what is going on. I will buy a newspaper.

friend m: i have not heard of this until now, but if this is a serious deal then i am extremely disappointed in france. i don't need to explain the cultural, social, and religious importance of the burka to muslim society. i don't know if france thinks they are "liberating" muslim women, but meddling in the affairs of religion by a political power has caused some major problems throughout the history of mankind.

i'm going to have to go check this out now.

friend k: France (and all of Europe) are not trying to liberate Muslims, they are trying to keep their own culture alive. The arguments against Muslims in Europe are similar to some (but not all) arguments against illegal immigrants in the US.

friend m: but banning the burka sounds like quite an extreme measure to achieve a cultural goal...:\

Targeting the women (who really have no say- the Koran & Muslim men do) is infuriatingly ignorant.

friend m:extremely. i don't...agree with it no matter the cultural ramifications.

I do agree that the US and countless other countries/societies have done their share of discrimination- often leading to community violence and even internment, labor, and/or death camps to get 'unwanted' people out of the picture. Is Europe going to walk down this road again? Fighting the extremists by punishing the majority; way to be original. Oppression begets retaliation. It is the human story.

deutschland snowy before the sunrise monday

I love the existence between lights. The breathing before the sun and after the moon. Before the moon and after the sun. These are where I belong. Where trees are purple-black pencil painted streaks bending in the sky. Dusk or Dawn; I am happiest.

bluegreengoldcolorscolorscolors monday

I write this for a boy in his twenties.

The water closed his eyes.



listening to flogging molly and sending my heartsong to the one i never knew
we all had to say goodbye too soon, too soon
young life leaves this world. we are waiting in the between
it's raining in Seattle
i feel rain
still alive
are you more so now that you are not
my heart sings to you
the one i never knew
sleep and wait for us
what more will i say
when i never knew you
the ones in your love
they are the burning
burning in the hole cracked within
they are the burning
left with only the love
you
they knew you
love you still
far far away
far far away

january junebug 20 and 10 Tuesday

I am tired. I am simultaneously happy, grateful, courageous, quenched, empowered, delighted, ecstatic, gleeful, energetic, bursting with the need to create!...anxious, baleful, anguished, confined, unwanted, angry, fearful, downcast, unfulfilled, cracked...hurt and healed all in one.

I think about death at least once an hour. As a part of Life.


So if I am meant only to die- then why live? Why be put in this world in the first fucking place? Is death so dependent upon life? I need to stop asking why regarding these things. I need some other inquiry.

How?

What?


Answer me that, God. I am not informed.


Still not angry with God. Angry with this place/existence- quite often; particularly in regards to humanity, which includes my own self.

What is the purpose of my body and mind, senses and cognitions, tying so strongly- cleaving to this place! If I'm not supposed to fucking be here!

Fuck you, people who tell me like you fucking know what God knows. FUCK YOU. We don't even know who/what/how/???? the one we call God is. NONE OF US. FUCKING SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH.

Answers would help, God. Answers that human minds are able to process and possibly grasp on the downwards of the 'for dummies' scale.


Time to dance by myself again. Deep breathing. Slow movement. Swelling music.

Center.

Waiting.