crooners make me smile saturday

the world is changing. and. leaving me behind.

what do i do with this fact.

fact. not to be disputed. not to be argued with. i will die and the world will keep 'worlding.'


where is the reason? i wish i had never been led to think about a reason for existence. i used to dream of becoming mentally disabled. completely ignorant. just happy. but, would i be happy? i probably would be dumped into a care home. left with dirty, depressing rooms and "care-takers". fucked either way.


so, i listen to harry connick jr and wish for the 90's. the parts i wish for. dumb, i know. not fulfilling. but damnit if harry and e.r. don't warm me from my coma a bit. just a bit.


shit.


why can't i just be normal? just happy? ignorantly happy?


i am snapping out of it. it is taking a few years. has been. i want to snap out of it. i am working to snap out it.


le sigh.

cock a doodle doo saturday

"grab my cock. as i walk. grab my butt. in a rut."

songs my husband sings while prancing around in the morning.

yup.

all mine.

wednesday of nothing unimportant

i'm having a love-hate relationship with these wasabi potato chips tonight. do i love them? I DON'T KNOW!

i want life to slow down. i've been listening to the song "combinations" by eisley. over and over and over this week.

i do not know how to live. i have only known broken heart living. my heart isn't broken anymore.

MY HEART IS NOT FUCKING BROKEN ANYMORE!!!! IT'S FUCKING UNBELIEVABLE FANTASTIC WHAT THE FUCK AMAZING WHAT DO I DO NOW!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!

i am lost. not broken hearted.

now, i am lost in the What Now.

just add water sunday

I am thankful that I married a man whom let's me be un-bathed for almost a week. He's just sitting in his soccer shorts and a t-shirt playing a video game while his stinky wife chooses to hold off bathing for a while. Sitting on the couch together, stinky and sleepy. I am extra glad that I married a man whom will sniff my armpits and my scalp when I really want him to. Hahahaha!!! He laughs with me!!!

apeshit coming soon friday

i just ate a hunk of cheese. by hunk, i mean the size and thickness of my fist. i have also been drinking orange juice from the jug and am on my way to the kitchen for another 1.75 liters.


this means something is eating me. what is it? i'm not sure yet. this is the beginning stage. i have come to recognize (in this exact moment) that i eat obnoxious amounts of food when my heartmindself- for lack of a better term- is about to go apeshit.


so, fuck rebellion- i am soaking up my crazy sauce and waiting for the monsoon.


it's been awhile since my last blowthefuckupandbecomefireworks intrapersonal experience. i have been doing better. growing up in little ways. not staying in bed and going to work later when i could. putting my toothbrush away EVERY time, exactly where it was before. little things that show i am gaining stability.

whatever this is that is inducing consumption of fine cheese in large quantities, this is bringing me closer to stability.


good.

excerpts from a letter to a once friend wednesday

"I am simply working each hour to be at peace and to exist to dwell and create happiness. I have not decided which path to follow when it comes to the twin of peace- justice. That, I may never decide how and where to move forward. I do not allow poisonous people into my life. That has been the greatest of my strength building forces. I have requested, in love and respect, that my mother not contact me. She still tries, but, this is not healthy for the time being. This has been the most poisonous of my relationships. She is not ready to have it otherwise, so, I will not have it be at all. The next most poisonous relationship has been with the Western Christianity Churches/Religions. Until the counterpart is ready to be real and honest, I will not allow it to be at all. No more poison allowed.


I would like to see you, if you would also like to see me. Please know that I am a fucking mad woman with multiple spirits that I express in sometimes opposing ways- and I am damn fucking more than ok with it all. I love me, all of me. I am sophisticated and idiotic. I am ingenious and crass. I am not one way and I never will be. You must know by now that I have always loved you. Even and most especially when I let myself feel miserable with you. Knowing that I am the most generous and kind bitch you will come across, will you love me even half as much as I love you? I don't think like you, live like you, believe like you, act like you- I do nothing like anyone because I am a masterpiece. You are. That is how I think and feel about that.

What do you have to say?"

this time the answer was- yes.

wish me all good and brilliant.

no typo.



all good and brilliant.

Light.

flying in snow out my window sunday

i don't know why conversations i have heard, regarding rod stewart, curse his name. i don't know what he did to piss you people off. maybe his failings were more public than ours, but we all FAIL. get over it. i love listening to his music. maybe he didn't write the songs. maybe he doesn't believe in them. but. he sings them. for better or worse. he sings.