I am driving and there is no other reality, never has been any other reality, than Jesus and I in motion. I sigh knowing that Jesus is there, has always been with me. Like the best friend, older sibling, otherworldly diety of dieties whom basically lives at your house. I think that is actually the other way around. I am that friend. The one climbing the tree into Jesus' window to stay up talking and watch the sky while the rest of the world turns around us. I tell Jesus everything. I tell Jesus how much I love my husband, and all of the details as to why I am desperately grateful for him. I tell Jesus how much I miss my husband. I tell Jesus how I am ready to leave this life when it comes to that. I tell Jesus how I am afraid of being old- really old; it terrifies me. I tell Jesus of how I think, in spite of my fears, sagely beauty will be the best fit for my soul. I cry and beg Jesus never to put me in a situation where I am blackmailed to the forfeit of another's life- physical or otherwise; I will ALWAYS forfeit mine. I cry because I know my husband would not understand why. So I beg Jesus to not put me in that place. Then I cry in softer shades of acceptance if I ever do get put there. I know my decision. Jesus will take care of everone else.
I sigh and smile like a deep green river. That is the best I can describe the feeling resonating within me. When Jesus and I see good among humanity. When I see clouds. When I curl my fingers with Jesus' and we watch the rain. Jesus is there when all I want to do is kiss the trees. Jesus is there when all I want to do is burn everything while I wail from the depths of all fucking sorrow and anguish. Jesus loves me when I yell at people in my mind. Jesus takes my hands when I raise them to the sky instead of cringing "Fuck You All" through the cracks of my teeth.
I do have these moments.
Someday they will be my every moments.
Thank God.
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