I am happy.
Really happy. In myself.
Fucking fucking happy.
(smiley sigh)
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
every word you said Thursday
I am going to die. Inside myself I am an ancient woman. I have existed in the world of the old before I could walk. They were my friends. I am one of them. My physical age, my physical appearance, they are not who I am. Now. I am old inside. I am looking out from the winter of my life within my heart. My mind, my soul. My spirit. There are moments, even days when I am rushed with joy and I am young inside. I am an old soul with a youthful heart, perhaps. I am impassioned.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
clair de lune Wednesday night
it's currently 11:11. and I am Phil.1:21.
Death is my constant companion. The experience of dying will most surely be unpleasant, terrifying...heartbreaking. Death himself, and the Way that is Death, existence in Death- living not in this world...he attends me. Rather, I attend him. I have been casual and comfortable with him since childhood. I watched him allure my toddler sister toward a 4-lane highway in the night. I looked at his face as I ran to stop her. I held no anger for him when she fought my heaving grip around her to go to meet him. She did not know; I did. He filled the halls of my life. He waited for me. He observed the man my mother chose second as he continually showed her how to dance with dying. She stayed. Thus, Sir Death stayed with me.
I feared him only once before I had married. The night I cursed God...which I directly took back when Death leered over my blackness. His other face. I walked with death, I wanted him, the night I went into surgery. I wanted Heaven. Every time I woke after that I waited not to wake again. Wished for it. I simply wanted to be home. Home. With Jesus. For me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain. Now I am married. Death is with me. We are too close to let go. We need each other. Yet, my husband needs me here. I love my husband.
I cherish our existence; human, earthbound. The cracks in my heart want more. Want Death. And, so, Heaven. God. Jesus. Piercing fire and the mighty hand of God reaching out to me, to Creation and all within- crashing over us with Love. Power. Ferocity exuding triumph; Love, Power; God Almighty. Death waits for me. And I wait for Death. The Angel of Death passes me by. For now. What do I do with my existence here? I love. Love is my sword and shield. God is Love. Death and I walk hand in hand. Love and I live. When I die, I will be with Love. I will be with God. And that...is all that I want.
Goodnight Death. Goodnight Love. You will be with me, always. And I love you.
I love you God. King of Life, King of Death, King of Love.
You are my King.
And I love you.
Goodnight God.
Death is my constant companion. The experience of dying will most surely be unpleasant, terrifying...heartbreaking. Death himself, and the Way that is Death, existence in Death- living not in this world...he attends me. Rather, I attend him. I have been casual and comfortable with him since childhood. I watched him allure my toddler sister toward a 4-lane highway in the night. I looked at his face as I ran to stop her. I held no anger for him when she fought my heaving grip around her to go to meet him. She did not know; I did. He filled the halls of my life. He waited for me. He observed the man my mother chose second as he continually showed her how to dance with dying. She stayed. Thus, Sir Death stayed with me.
I feared him only once before I had married. The night I cursed God...which I directly took back when Death leered over my blackness. His other face. I walked with death, I wanted him, the night I went into surgery. I wanted Heaven. Every time I woke after that I waited not to wake again. Wished for it. I simply wanted to be home. Home. With Jesus. For me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain. Now I am married. Death is with me. We are too close to let go. We need each other. Yet, my husband needs me here. I love my husband.
I cherish our existence; human, earthbound. The cracks in my heart want more. Want Death. And, so, Heaven. God. Jesus. Piercing fire and the mighty hand of God reaching out to me, to Creation and all within- crashing over us with Love. Power. Ferocity exuding triumph; Love, Power; God Almighty. Death waits for me. And I wait for Death. The Angel of Death passes me by. For now. What do I do with my existence here? I love. Love is my sword and shield. God is Love. Death and I walk hand in hand. Love and I live. When I die, I will be with Love. I will be with God. And that...is all that I want.
Goodnight Death. Goodnight Love. You will be with me, always. And I love you.
I love you God. King of Life, King of Death, King of Love.
You are my King.
And I love you.
Goodnight God.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
but I thought yesterday was Thursday weird; it's Saturday Morning.
Going to the store! Gettin some stuff! Need to clean my house! Exclamation point!
Friday, March 20, 2009
23 minutes til friday Thrusday
and I'm just so f'ing tired but I do not want to go to sleep. but i do. but i don't. and I am f'ing tired.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
no reason still Tuesday
I'm really tired. The kind of tired where your mouth tastes like stomach and life looks like grease smeared on glass. That tired.
Do you ever observe that you are alone- truly alone in that moment. psychologically, physically, philosophically alone. I have those spurts. Not spurts, rather, small washings over of numbness in the deep knowledge within my person. All of the stars and cosmic matter speed by while I sit cross legged and watch myself; sitting alone. Content, but well aware that there is more than contentment somewhere. Then the electric silence slows down right in front of my reflecting face. I get up off of the cold ground and find somebody to love. Or, go take a nap. Whichever is readily available at that moment. Still, I am alone. Pieces of me are not alone. That is good. Pieces that I share with others.
A wise man once said "You are not as fat as you imagine" this is a True, but more importantly he said "Don't be reckless with other people's hearts; don't put up with people who are reckless with yours." That is where I am. I kicked out all of the people who were/are reckless with my heart. Now I am down to a rare few; those being in the beginning stages. And, in turn, I am striving to not be reckless with the hearts of others. So, I am alone. For now. Sometimes. When space speeds up and goes quiet.
And that's ok, Jesus. That's ok for now.
Do you ever observe that you are alone- truly alone in that moment. psychologically, physically, philosophically alone. I have those spurts. Not spurts, rather, small washings over of numbness in the deep knowledge within my person. All of the stars and cosmic matter speed by while I sit cross legged and watch myself; sitting alone. Content, but well aware that there is more than contentment somewhere. Then the electric silence slows down right in front of my reflecting face. I get up off of the cold ground and find somebody to love. Or, go take a nap. Whichever is readily available at that moment. Still, I am alone. Pieces of me are not alone. That is good. Pieces that I share with others.
A wise man once said "You are not as fat as you imagine" this is a True, but more importantly he said "Don't be reckless with other people's hearts; don't put up with people who are reckless with yours." That is where I am. I kicked out all of the people who were/are reckless with my heart. Now I am down to a rare few; those being in the beginning stages. And, in turn, I am striving to not be reckless with the hearts of others. So, I am alone. For now. Sometimes. When space speeds up and goes quiet.
And that's ok, Jesus. That's ok for now.
everybody is irish Tuesday
Sometimes Jimmy Fallon is my guitar hero. Just fyi.
Today:
Woke up, went back to sleep. Woke up two hours later when my husband called from Iraq to say he would be playing poker with the guys. Got up, puked in the bathroom for awhile. Went back to sleep. Woke up one hour later when my husband called again to say goodnight. Got up, got dressed. Made my checklist for the day. Let the cat out of the garage (which he spent the night in for sitting on the toaster). Said hey to my roomie (she ditched school to study for school...). Went to Downtown, picked up my iPod (wew!). Went to Home Depot, got weed and feed and all those yard things. Called a friend to see if she could do lunch- negatory. Next stop, Jiffy Lube- oil change, new filter, woot. Off to Costco- coupons for paper products (ho ya). Tra'la'la'la'la to the college for my Spanish books. (Went back and forth from the bookstore to registration and a lot of paperwork- and theeeeeeeeeen got my stuff- woo!)
And now I am chillin at the casa watching whatever Monday night shows are online today- whatever ones I deem watch-worthy. (and ya, I use the real websites- abc, cbs, fox, and all that). Driving around is crazy sometimes.
Today:
Woke up, went back to sleep. Woke up two hours later when my husband called from Iraq to say he would be playing poker with the guys. Got up, puked in the bathroom for awhile. Went back to sleep. Woke up one hour later when my husband called again to say goodnight. Got up, got dressed. Made my checklist for the day. Let the cat out of the garage (which he spent the night in for sitting on the toaster). Said hey to my roomie (she ditched school to study for school...). Went to Downtown, picked up my iPod (wew!). Went to Home Depot, got weed and feed and all those yard things. Called a friend to see if she could do lunch- negatory. Next stop, Jiffy Lube- oil change, new filter, woot. Off to Costco- coupons for paper products (ho ya). Tra'la'la'la'la to the college for my Spanish books. (Went back and forth from the bookstore to registration and a lot of paperwork- and theeeeeeeeeen got my stuff- woo!)
And now I am chillin at the casa watching whatever Monday night shows are online today- whatever ones I deem watch-worthy. (and ya, I use the real websites- abc, cbs, fox, and all that). Driving around is crazy sometimes.
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