Thursday, September 22, 2011

baking my first cake from scratch since 1996 thursday

i'm getting my face chopped open. taking out a benign tumor.

be out for October.

doing Novel In November.

may be high time to close this conversation.

what the fuck do i do in it's place?

Sunday, August 14, 2011

traveling soon sunday

i will be gone like a swan song for a while.

good thing i am the only person reading this mishigas.

i love you, me. me, too.

i need to get out of here.

Friday, August 12, 2011

husband drunk dialing other countries saturday

mostly, i sound like an asshole.


Thursday, August 11, 2011

sun morning thursday

it is summer. it is freezing. i dreamed of snow. thank you for the sun. thank you for this morning.

thank you.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

i still mean it

i try to be honest and open. this requires me to trust. and i do. not everyone. relatively few. the few i do; i will bleed myself to be open with. this does not always go well. which is why it is so difficult to open up at all. if i do not live open and honest, though, i am dead. i am trying not to live dead. i have lived dead most of my life.

i have to trust that those i trust know who i am. at least, who i am determined to be. better. stronger. more open.

as i said, this does not always turn out well. i hope a light turns on for us to understand. it is worth it to me.

tell me how i have not proven myself loyal. tell me how i have not proven myself devoted. tell me what i have done to show anti-love and support. otherwise, tell me how you see us moving forward with what is shared. for understanding. it is worth it to me.

i am good at accepting no longer being wanted. i wear it well. this does not stop my being from wanting ones who do not want me. i will let go of those who ask or demand it. so far as my heart can cry. it heals over eventually. the memory dies after 10 or 15 years. maybe. not always. not in important instances. it is worth it to me to stand ground until cut down. because love is worth it.

well, people leave all the time. it's what people do. i stay. i want to stay. not to say that i am not good at leaving. poisonous people have found that i disappear very well. i try my deepest to be certain there is nothing else before walking away. i never like it. i heal and life moves forward.

i grew up in house where i was not able to speak my truth. my real thoughts and feelings. my relationships throughout my life, minus a handful, were the same scenario. i do not want that anymore. i have had the last two years to turn that mountain aside. i still have to walk through the crater it left in it's place. someday there will be a meadow there. and sunlight forever. soft rain and cool lakes. healed. flourish. i move to flourish. i will swim naked there in the haven where once my being rotted in pus and bile. cool, clean water. soft, green grass. quiet, restful peace. flourish. i move to flourish.

forgive me for not realizing how i share was not helpful at all. i was unaware. i would like to work on that. i was open and honest with no intent to injure. please help me know a better way with you. i love you.

i met you and you were fire standing in human form. you awe me. you are THE most striking being i have ever known. i adore you. i admire you. i look up to you in how to face demons in my life & the lives of ones i love. i want to bring you nothing but happiness and safety. i am sorry that i did not do that last time. i did not think i came out that way. i was calm and clear of mind when i shared with you. it came out poorly to you. you do know i have confessed that i am no good at one-on-one communication. this example must be the jewel in that crown i wear. please forgive my way of sharing.

i will try to re-do.

when you left. i was not sure you liked your time with me. i remember unhappy words. some were pointed at me. i felt cornered by my experience of these things. i did not understand why these things would have happened. i took time to be sure i really did feel that this was important. i should have waited and asked you how you would like to communicate about something important i needed to share. you have shared that you had a great time, do not remember many unhappy words & that anything said was not intended as hurtful. i believe you wholeheartedly and am done with it.

we each experienced a case of unintentional injury. the first day i met you, i forgave for anything you would ever say or do. this does not mean that i am not human and do not need to work through anger when hurt- especially when i do not know it was unintentional at the time. i speak strongly when it is important to being real with people i love and give myself to. i do this because you give me strength and courage to do so. you are the one who gave me strength to start saying No to toxic people in my life. so, i want to share pain with you when i feel it. i am glad you shared your pain with me. i am sad that i caused it. please forgive me.

i love you.

killlers playing in house thusday

i have a stack of clean laundry on my bed. i will move it to the rug.

i have use of all my limbs and appendages. i have the ability to think critically. when i think about it. my mouth is pink. my nostrils are adequately sized. these are all things i appreciate.

i have halting emotions when remembering negative experiences. i say, "well. how about that." i smile. i breathe deep. i repeat as needed. i am living in the present. i am living now. not there. i live here. now. here. now.

Monday, August 1, 2011