I am happy.
Really happy. In myself.
Fucking fucking happy.
(smiley sigh)
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
every word you said Thursday
I am going to die. Inside myself I am an ancient woman. I have existed in the world of the old before I could walk. They were my friends. I am one of them. My physical age, my physical appearance, they are not who I am. Now. I am old inside. I am looking out from the winter of my life within my heart. My mind, my soul. My spirit. There are moments, even days when I am rushed with joy and I am young inside. I am an old soul with a youthful heart, perhaps. I am impassioned.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
clair de lune Wednesday night
it's currently 11:11. and I am Phil.1:21.
Death is my constant companion. The experience of dying will most surely be unpleasant, terrifying...heartbreaking. Death himself, and the Way that is Death, existence in Death- living not in this world...he attends me. Rather, I attend him. I have been casual and comfortable with him since childhood. I watched him allure my toddler sister toward a 4-lane highway in the night. I looked at his face as I ran to stop her. I held no anger for him when she fought my heaving grip around her to go to meet him. She did not know; I did. He filled the halls of my life. He waited for me. He observed the man my mother chose second as he continually showed her how to dance with dying. She stayed. Thus, Sir Death stayed with me.
I feared him only once before I had married. The night I cursed God...which I directly took back when Death leered over my blackness. His other face. I walked with death, I wanted him, the night I went into surgery. I wanted Heaven. Every time I woke after that I waited not to wake again. Wished for it. I simply wanted to be home. Home. With Jesus. For me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain. Now I am married. Death is with me. We are too close to let go. We need each other. Yet, my husband needs me here. I love my husband.
I cherish our existence; human, earthbound. The cracks in my heart want more. Want Death. And, so, Heaven. God. Jesus. Piercing fire and the mighty hand of God reaching out to me, to Creation and all within- crashing over us with Love. Power. Ferocity exuding triumph; Love, Power; God Almighty. Death waits for me. And I wait for Death. The Angel of Death passes me by. For now. What do I do with my existence here? I love. Love is my sword and shield. God is Love. Death and I walk hand in hand. Love and I live. When I die, I will be with Love. I will be with God. And that...is all that I want.
Goodnight Death. Goodnight Love. You will be with me, always. And I love you.
I love you God. King of Life, King of Death, King of Love.
You are my King.
And I love you.
Goodnight God.
Death is my constant companion. The experience of dying will most surely be unpleasant, terrifying...heartbreaking. Death himself, and the Way that is Death, existence in Death- living not in this world...he attends me. Rather, I attend him. I have been casual and comfortable with him since childhood. I watched him allure my toddler sister toward a 4-lane highway in the night. I looked at his face as I ran to stop her. I held no anger for him when she fought my heaving grip around her to go to meet him. She did not know; I did. He filled the halls of my life. He waited for me. He observed the man my mother chose second as he continually showed her how to dance with dying. She stayed. Thus, Sir Death stayed with me.
I feared him only once before I had married. The night I cursed God...which I directly took back when Death leered over my blackness. His other face. I walked with death, I wanted him, the night I went into surgery. I wanted Heaven. Every time I woke after that I waited not to wake again. Wished for it. I simply wanted to be home. Home. With Jesus. For me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain. Now I am married. Death is with me. We are too close to let go. We need each other. Yet, my husband needs me here. I love my husband.
I cherish our existence; human, earthbound. The cracks in my heart want more. Want Death. And, so, Heaven. God. Jesus. Piercing fire and the mighty hand of God reaching out to me, to Creation and all within- crashing over us with Love. Power. Ferocity exuding triumph; Love, Power; God Almighty. Death waits for me. And I wait for Death. The Angel of Death passes me by. For now. What do I do with my existence here? I love. Love is my sword and shield. God is Love. Death and I walk hand in hand. Love and I live. When I die, I will be with Love. I will be with God. And that...is all that I want.
Goodnight Death. Goodnight Love. You will be with me, always. And I love you.
I love you God. King of Life, King of Death, King of Love.
You are my King.
And I love you.
Goodnight God.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
but I thought yesterday was Thursday weird; it's Saturday Morning.
Going to the store! Gettin some stuff! Need to clean my house! Exclamation point!
Friday, March 20, 2009
23 minutes til friday Thrusday
and I'm just so f'ing tired but I do not want to go to sleep. but i do. but i don't. and I am f'ing tired.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
no reason still Tuesday
I'm really tired. The kind of tired where your mouth tastes like stomach and life looks like grease smeared on glass. That tired.
Do you ever observe that you are alone- truly alone in that moment. psychologically, physically, philosophically alone. I have those spurts. Not spurts, rather, small washings over of numbness in the deep knowledge within my person. All of the stars and cosmic matter speed by while I sit cross legged and watch myself; sitting alone. Content, but well aware that there is more than contentment somewhere. Then the electric silence slows down right in front of my reflecting face. I get up off of the cold ground and find somebody to love. Or, go take a nap. Whichever is readily available at that moment. Still, I am alone. Pieces of me are not alone. That is good. Pieces that I share with others.
A wise man once said "You are not as fat as you imagine" this is a True, but more importantly he said "Don't be reckless with other people's hearts; don't put up with people who are reckless with yours." That is where I am. I kicked out all of the people who were/are reckless with my heart. Now I am down to a rare few; those being in the beginning stages. And, in turn, I am striving to not be reckless with the hearts of others. So, I am alone. For now. Sometimes. When space speeds up and goes quiet.
And that's ok, Jesus. That's ok for now.
Do you ever observe that you are alone- truly alone in that moment. psychologically, physically, philosophically alone. I have those spurts. Not spurts, rather, small washings over of numbness in the deep knowledge within my person. All of the stars and cosmic matter speed by while I sit cross legged and watch myself; sitting alone. Content, but well aware that there is more than contentment somewhere. Then the electric silence slows down right in front of my reflecting face. I get up off of the cold ground and find somebody to love. Or, go take a nap. Whichever is readily available at that moment. Still, I am alone. Pieces of me are not alone. That is good. Pieces that I share with others.
A wise man once said "You are not as fat as you imagine" this is a True, but more importantly he said "Don't be reckless with other people's hearts; don't put up with people who are reckless with yours." That is where I am. I kicked out all of the people who were/are reckless with my heart. Now I am down to a rare few; those being in the beginning stages. And, in turn, I am striving to not be reckless with the hearts of others. So, I am alone. For now. Sometimes. When space speeds up and goes quiet.
And that's ok, Jesus. That's ok for now.
everybody is irish Tuesday
Sometimes Jimmy Fallon is my guitar hero. Just fyi.
Today:
Woke up, went back to sleep. Woke up two hours later when my husband called from Iraq to say he would be playing poker with the guys. Got up, puked in the bathroom for awhile. Went back to sleep. Woke up one hour later when my husband called again to say goodnight. Got up, got dressed. Made my checklist for the day. Let the cat out of the garage (which he spent the night in for sitting on the toaster). Said hey to my roomie (she ditched school to study for school...). Went to Downtown, picked up my iPod (wew!). Went to Home Depot, got weed and feed and all those yard things. Called a friend to see if she could do lunch- negatory. Next stop, Jiffy Lube- oil change, new filter, woot. Off to Costco- coupons for paper products (ho ya). Tra'la'la'la'la to the college for my Spanish books. (Went back and forth from the bookstore to registration and a lot of paperwork- and theeeeeeeeeen got my stuff- woo!)
And now I am chillin at the casa watching whatever Monday night shows are online today- whatever ones I deem watch-worthy. (and ya, I use the real websites- abc, cbs, fox, and all that). Driving around is crazy sometimes.
Today:
Woke up, went back to sleep. Woke up two hours later when my husband called from Iraq to say he would be playing poker with the guys. Got up, puked in the bathroom for awhile. Went back to sleep. Woke up one hour later when my husband called again to say goodnight. Got up, got dressed. Made my checklist for the day. Let the cat out of the garage (which he spent the night in for sitting on the toaster). Said hey to my roomie (she ditched school to study for school...). Went to Downtown, picked up my iPod (wew!). Went to Home Depot, got weed and feed and all those yard things. Called a friend to see if she could do lunch- negatory. Next stop, Jiffy Lube- oil change, new filter, woot. Off to Costco- coupons for paper products (ho ya). Tra'la'la'la'la to the college for my Spanish books. (Went back and forth from the bookstore to registration and a lot of paperwork- and theeeeeeeeeen got my stuff- woo!)
And now I am chillin at the casa watching whatever Monday night shows are online today- whatever ones I deem watch-worthy. (and ya, I use the real websites- abc, cbs, fox, and all that). Driving around is crazy sometimes.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Technically it's not but I don't care Thursday
6 minutes past.
I am so tired I could fall over and sleep deliciously.
I spent the day writing quartered increments of pricing on little green, pink, and yellow dots. The dots went on my items for sale and the items went into some semblance of a category. Sunny Saturday morning is taking away my stuff! Woot! Yard Sales are THE American past-time; fo shizzle.
I found an oatmeal raisin cookie in my purse this morning- I bought it last night and forgot about it. It kind of has a baking soda aftertaste...ya...
I joined Twitter today after watching an episode of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon on NBC.com full episode player. Freaking hilarious! Their trying to make this random guy from that night's audience more followed on Twitter than the 'Bama. I want to go to there. hahahahahaha.
My favorite color is crazy vibrant deep blue, with the rainbow prismness coming in second, followed by the trio of black/red/white. Yumm.
I am going to take a shower now. Showers rule.
!Everybody Mambo!
I am so tired I could fall over and sleep deliciously.
I spent the day writing quartered increments of pricing on little green, pink, and yellow dots. The dots went on my items for sale and the items went into some semblance of a category. Sunny Saturday morning is taking away my stuff! Woot! Yard Sales are THE American past-time; fo shizzle.
I found an oatmeal raisin cookie in my purse this morning- I bought it last night and forgot about it. It kind of has a baking soda aftertaste...ya...
I joined Twitter today after watching an episode of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon on NBC.com full episode player. Freaking hilarious! Their trying to make this random guy from that night's audience more followed on Twitter than the 'Bama. I want to go to there. hahahahahaha.
My favorite color is crazy vibrant deep blue, with the rainbow prismness coming in second, followed by the trio of black/red/white. Yumm.
I am going to take a shower now. Showers rule.
!Everybody Mambo!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Video Heroes Wednesday
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jk_9zqt1Rw4
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1901368
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8t2I2bfAy3Y
I had tea with Ken Loyd this morning. He's a normal, fucked up human being- just like me :) He is a normal, fucked up human being in love with Jesus and all the other fucked up human beings- whether they love Jesus or not- just like me. Now, keeping it real here folks- I am not anywhere near the unchained freedom of love for LOVE's sake- but I want it. I want it like I want water; I drink around 192 ounces per day (no joke). I want it more than that! Tonight I sat in on more fucked up people that love loving because Jesus. (not a typo there). After I listened in on their hopes, needs, and daily blah blah that makes the miracle of love happen in their Home, we hit the pub. And talked more Jesus, LOVE, life, shit- everything real.
God, I am half scared shitless of going in head first into a group of people with which I have .05 in common, and, half wanting to cry, burst sunshine, dance, pass out, stare in awe, you name it good things express til You laugh at me, thankful. Thank you Jesus. Take this where You want it to go; where you want me to go.
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1901368
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8t2I2bfAy3Y
I had tea with Ken Loyd this morning. He's a normal, fucked up human being- just like me :) He is a normal, fucked up human being in love with Jesus and all the other fucked up human beings- whether they love Jesus or not- just like me. Now, keeping it real here folks- I am not anywhere near the unchained freedom of love for LOVE's sake- but I want it. I want it like I want water; I drink around 192 ounces per day (no joke). I want it more than that! Tonight I sat in on more fucked up people that love loving because Jesus. (not a typo there). After I listened in on their hopes, needs, and daily blah blah that makes the miracle of love happen in their Home, we hit the pub. And talked more Jesus, LOVE, life, shit- everything real.
God, I am half scared shitless of going in head first into a group of people with which I have .05 in common, and, half wanting to cry, burst sunshine, dance, pass out, stare in awe, you name it good things express til You laugh at me, thankful. Thank you Jesus. Take this where You want it to go; where you want me to go.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Really need to sleep but do not want it Monday
I just need somewhere. Not somewhere to sit and behave. Somewhere to exist fully, violently alive.
(exhale)
song of the moment- Cigarettes and Wedding Bands by Band of Horses
(exhale)
song of the moment- Cigarettes and Wedding Bands by Band of Horses
Sunday, March 8, 2009
I like stink-mouth Asian snacks Saturday!
I finished my final can of chicken noodle soup today. I still get random aches in my hands and have a croggy cough. Fun part- I've sneezed at least 5 times yesterday and again today! (Sneezing is a lover of mine) This does, however, produce the drippy right nostril. Almost in the clear, folks.
My cat has been battering my walls with an old kabuki brush- that keeps him out of my hair until he is ready to purr and sleep like a normal cat. :)
Conflict:
This church that my husband and I were a part of (still hang with the people; don't go to Sundays)- they want me to share about communion on Easter.
It would be impolite (right term?)to just show up for the communion and then leave. It will be infuriating to sit through the entire service; IF they are still doing what they have been doing. They've changed places and great lights (Moon for the Sun) since my last visit. They are not doing anything really wrong. It's just not where I am supposed to be, damn it. When I would try to explain this to people there I would get cut off like I was choosing the Dark Side. Anger and frustration. I love the people. I hate the mode of communal worship they are choosing. meh. Conflict.
I am really really liking my current read- A Whole New Mind by Daniel H. Pink. I think I am going to read it twice in order to really absorb everything. I kind of let my mind go on tangents when I read something interesting and I miss the in-between paragraphs. :)
My cat has been battering my walls with an old kabuki brush- that keeps him out of my hair until he is ready to purr and sleep like a normal cat. :)
Conflict:
This church that my husband and I were a part of (still hang with the people; don't go to Sundays)- they want me to share about communion on Easter.
It would be impolite (right term?)to just show up for the communion and then leave. It will be infuriating to sit through the entire service; IF they are still doing what they have been doing. They've changed places and great lights (Moon for the Sun) since my last visit. They are not doing anything really wrong. It's just not where I am supposed to be, damn it. When I would try to explain this to people there I would get cut off like I was choosing the Dark Side. Anger and frustration. I love the people. I hate the mode of communal worship they are choosing. meh. Conflict.
I am really really liking my current read- A Whole New Mind by Daniel H. Pink. I think I am going to read it twice in order to really absorb everything. I kind of let my mind go on tangents when I read something interesting and I miss the in-between paragraphs. :)
Thursday, March 5, 2009
More sick than yesterday-lame-o mick lame sauce Thursday
1 '40 ounce, 5 '20 ounce, 5 tubes, 2 cans, 1/2 a box. Gatorade, crackers, soup and tissues are my life this week. woot.
On the upside, my cat is asleep instead of tripping me while racing in circles like a crazy through the house. (ahhhhh...)
I think I just breathed through my right nostril- a feat not done for a couple of days here folks- good news.
I have so many great, deep, boggling toughts in my brain- but I have no form to express them by right now. Jesus knows. It woul dbe nice if I could know, too. ;) meh, whatchagonnado?
On the upside, my cat is asleep instead of tripping me while racing in circles like a crazy through the house. (ahhhhh...)
I think I just breathed through my right nostril- a feat not done for a couple of days here folks- good news.
I have so many great, deep, boggling toughts in my brain- but I have no form to express them by right now. Jesus knows. It woul dbe nice if I could know, too. ;) meh, whatchagonnado?
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Not as sick as yesterday Wed'nes'day
So excited! Learned a new phrase from a facebook comment:(Bahaha)
"Oh Hell to the Naw!" Hoh, choo make-a me laugh!
Been livin' on orange Gatorade, galletas saltines, Progresso soup, and Advil for a couple days. I may be on the upswing :) My house is littered with tissue piles....I'll get to those after full recovery...
Here are my Pandora.com stations right now, in random order here folks:
Edith Piaf
Dispatch
Kings of Leon
Paramore
Stomp
Mary J. Blige
Sigur Ros
Kirk Franklin
Dave Matthews Band
Eisley
Band of Horses
Amalia Rodrigues
Bon Iver
U2
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Jim Croce
Marc Antony
Led Zeppelin
Jack Johnson
Paul Simon
The White Stripes
Michael Jackson
Death Cab for Cutie
Gipsy Kings
Jem
Sitar Ritual
Dulce Pontes
Claude Debussy
Sade
Rob Pattinson
Cat Stevens
John Mayer
Leonard Cohen
Top five of the moment?
1. Amalia Rodrigues
2. Rob Pattinson
3. Bon Iver
4. Edith Piaf
5. Mary J. Blige
yay music and the arts!!!!!viva la musica de me vida!
"Oh Hell to the Naw!" Hoh, choo make-a me laugh!
Been livin' on orange Gatorade, galletas saltines, Progresso soup, and Advil for a couple days. I may be on the upswing :) My house is littered with tissue piles....I'll get to those after full recovery...
Here are my Pandora.com stations right now, in random order here folks:
Edith Piaf
Dispatch
Kings of Leon
Paramore
Stomp
Mary J. Blige
Sigur Ros
Kirk Franklin
Dave Matthews Band
Eisley
Band of Horses
Amalia Rodrigues
Bon Iver
U2
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Jim Croce
Marc Antony
Led Zeppelin
Jack Johnson
Paul Simon
The White Stripes
Michael Jackson
Death Cab for Cutie
Gipsy Kings
Jem
Sitar Ritual
Dulce Pontes
Claude Debussy
Sade
Rob Pattinson
Cat Stevens
John Mayer
Leonard Cohen
Top five of the moment?
1. Amalia Rodrigues
2. Rob Pattinson
3. Bon Iver
4. Edith Piaf
5. Mary J. Blige
yay music and the arts!!!!!viva la musica de me vida!
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