My life has been a life of letting go and forgetting as best I can.
The world I lived in taught me that when I love, those loved will leave promptly; whether in physicality or other.
In essence, the bottom always falls out, the top always crashes in. No one survives.
I am daily in defiance and recovery from that world.
I love you. Me, too.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Having hot cornmeal with honey and 2 soft-boiled eggs with a pea-protein shake. Thanks breakfast.
Listening to Wham. You know you're jealous. It makes me want to watch every 80's rom'com ever. Annnnd every 80's cheesy yet awesome cop movie. :] Love it.
Some days I decide to that I will turn off the workings of my mind and just exist in simple'ville. Just do for others and live til I die. Other days, I think myself into the fetal position. It used to be to battle-stations, but I think fetal position is an improvement; it leaves people out of it. The cycle repeats itself.
Listening to Wham. You know you're jealous. It makes me want to watch every 80's rom'com ever. Annnnd every 80's cheesy yet awesome cop movie. :] Love it.
Some days I decide to that I will turn off the workings of my mind and just exist in simple'ville. Just do for others and live til I die. Other days, I think myself into the fetal position. It used to be to battle-stations, but I think fetal position is an improvement; it leaves people out of it. The cycle repeats itself.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Metric's Grow Up and Blow Away Saturday
So what is this whole fucking thing?
I don't know.
I don't have any friends because I cannot trust anyone.
I have friends, few and far far spread across my years because I love.
No one will remember me 10 years after I die, pretty dang sure about that.
What is this whole fucking thing?
I was supposed to die when I was young. You didn't know that. I was. I lived in a house of death, but I lived; only long enough to again be ready to leave the world and go to sleep forever- 15. I woke up from that surgery, distraught that I was still here. I was truly ready and had said goodbye. So...? Fuck that. I kept going and died only in soul as my life progressed.
It has taken me all of my life to scrape out of the swamp that is generational poverty. Fuck you, I say. Sure we had a house. After that it stopped. Fuck that. Thank God for people giving us sacks of rice and beans. Jesus. It has taken even more clutching at slippery railing under boggy water to escape the victim mentality. It still creeps up in trace amounts here and there and must be faced and painfully climbed through. So what do I say about others in poverty? Nothing. I am no judge, but will be judged rightly by God for my wrongs. I will not be able to hide from them. No act of goodness, kindness, what ever the fuck you insert here, nothing of anything I do will bring me to rights with God. What the F?!?!! I'm smiling about it. WTF?@!?!?! I am insane. I don't even know what to say to my own words above. I just am that I am.
What is this life? I probably do not need to know. Probably never know. Does it even matter when I am dead?What is dead? Really the real alive? I think too much today. Maybe some day that will stop. hmmm...
I don't know.
I don't have any friends because I cannot trust anyone.
I have friends, few and far far spread across my years because I love.
No one will remember me 10 years after I die, pretty dang sure about that.
What is this whole fucking thing?
I was supposed to die when I was young. You didn't know that. I was. I lived in a house of death, but I lived; only long enough to again be ready to leave the world and go to sleep forever- 15. I woke up from that surgery, distraught that I was still here. I was truly ready and had said goodbye. So...? Fuck that. I kept going and died only in soul as my life progressed.
It has taken me all of my life to scrape out of the swamp that is generational poverty. Fuck you, I say. Sure we had a house. After that it stopped. Fuck that. Thank God for people giving us sacks of rice and beans. Jesus. It has taken even more clutching at slippery railing under boggy water to escape the victim mentality. It still creeps up in trace amounts here and there and must be faced and painfully climbed through. So what do I say about others in poverty? Nothing. I am no judge, but will be judged rightly by God for my wrongs. I will not be able to hide from them. No act of goodness, kindness, what ever the fuck you insert here, nothing of anything I do will bring me to rights with God. What the F?!?!! I'm smiling about it. WTF?@!?!?! I am insane. I don't even know what to say to my own words above. I just am that I am.
What is this life? I probably do not need to know. Probably never know. Does it even matter when I am dead?What is dead? Really the real alive? I think too much today. Maybe some day that will stop. hmmm...
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
High and Dry Radiohead Wednesday
How do I feel about the universe and all within? I do not know. Not entirely. Nothing near.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
soundtrack Sunday
Christmas time. That's when I will be with my husband again. I had a dream last night that I was strolling through a department store decked out with a haze of red and green stuffed figurines. The Husband and wife down before me turned there cart to reveal a young boy with bright wide eyes. At this moment I heard Christmas music tinkling down from the speakers overhead. I smiled to myself as the family passed me by and I turned the corner. "Christmas music; Tre will be here soon." I then told myself that it wasn't even October yet and still felt that the time was near enough to have Christmas cheer. I woke up in June. Still... soon enough. :)
Monday, June 8, 2009
just vibin on a well done Monday night
I love that sleep you get after wakin gup groggily to toss the cat into the garage for waking you up with incessant mewing. 4am is not play time. Cats do not get this. I learn.
You frump you rway through the dim house back to your bed. You get halfway there and realize you cannot hold it any longer. The trick is to leave the light off in there as to keep the state in-between sleep and awake. Finally, relieved and ready for sweet relief, you smoosh your face into the now cooled pillow and burrow into billows of down-alternative cotton heaven. (Inhale deeply, exhale satisfied).
Not only did I shower before 3 in the afternoon today, I shaved my legs in their entirety- made it past the knees today! I even spared time for the underarms, ladies. That's a sign of a day to be had.
I enjoyed my blend of gazpacho with a side of corn tortillas for breakfast while catching some Whoopi and Ray Romano stand up on Youtube. Very filling in all. I made sure to squirm into my swimsuit immediately after showering so that my breakfast videos would not hypnotize me into sedaentary living.
happy that I did. Tromped off to the gym for saltwater swimming. I forgot my cap but had the goggles. A big victory! Swimming is delicious and scrumptious to my existence. Mmmm. MM. Mmm! I did swallow a dollop of pool water, but have fully recovered.
I glided home and directly placed my salty wet rags into the wash with the rest of my laundry.
Comfortably in my holey sweats, I commenced typing a summer update letter for people who like us. Oh! I also filled out this mega-giant-huge'o'mundo packet for my Naturopath appointment next Monday! Excited!
Hit up kinkos/fed-ex to mail my packet and print my letter on yellow summer stationary with flours!! During the 20 minute wait I ran to Trader Joe's for my off'n'on addiction- Barbara's Puffin cereals. I got original and peanut butter. shameless. I even had the time to snag a scratch pad, for my scattered brain, at the Dollar store! It has lines!
I watched more Whoopi while I folded and enveloped my sunny happy letters. Goodness. :)
I ran to Portland and ended up having dinner in a little slice of Southern love- Miss Delta. I enjoyed tagging along with Mr. and Mrs. Ken, Vivian, and Mr. Ken's buddies. Vegan options on the 3-Starter deal for $9.50- DO IT.
Now I am home and rinsed off- I putt off the after swim slosh til now. Sometimes I like it. I'm feeling good, folks. I just need to repeat some variation of today every day to come and it will be ginger-peachy. :) Funny how my plans give way to life's plans.
Today was great. Thx for great days and thx for lousy days God. You lifted me up today. I carry the faces of the wounded too tightly sometimes. Thank you for giving me some fresh air and cool water. Make me to stand also in ugliest walking death for you. It terrifies me. So do You. And, with that, I am at peace and delirious in my satisfaction in You.
Ya.
Ya.
Sweet dreams world. Safe places and kind people to all. From the bottom of my heart.
You frump you rway through the dim house back to your bed. You get halfway there and realize you cannot hold it any longer. The trick is to leave the light off in there as to keep the state in-between sleep and awake. Finally, relieved and ready for sweet relief, you smoosh your face into the now cooled pillow and burrow into billows of down-alternative cotton heaven. (Inhale deeply, exhale satisfied).
Not only did I shower before 3 in the afternoon today, I shaved my legs in their entirety- made it past the knees today! I even spared time for the underarms, ladies. That's a sign of a day to be had.
I enjoyed my blend of gazpacho with a side of corn tortillas for breakfast while catching some Whoopi and Ray Romano stand up on Youtube. Very filling in all. I made sure to squirm into my swimsuit immediately after showering so that my breakfast videos would not hypnotize me into sedaentary living.
happy that I did. Tromped off to the gym for saltwater swimming. I forgot my cap but had the goggles. A big victory! Swimming is delicious and scrumptious to my existence. Mmmm. MM. Mmm! I did swallow a dollop of pool water, but have fully recovered.
I glided home and directly placed my salty wet rags into the wash with the rest of my laundry.
Comfortably in my holey sweats, I commenced typing a summer update letter for people who like us. Oh! I also filled out this mega-giant-huge'o'mundo packet for my Naturopath appointment next Monday! Excited!
Hit up kinkos/fed-ex to mail my packet and print my letter on yellow summer stationary with flours!! During the 20 minute wait I ran to Trader Joe's for my off'n'on addiction- Barbara's Puffin cereals. I got original and peanut butter. shameless. I even had the time to snag a scratch pad, for my scattered brain, at the Dollar store! It has lines!
I watched more Whoopi while I folded and enveloped my sunny happy letters. Goodness. :)
I ran to Portland and ended up having dinner in a little slice of Southern love- Miss Delta. I enjoyed tagging along with Mr. and Mrs. Ken, Vivian, and Mr. Ken's buddies. Vegan options on the 3-Starter deal for $9.50- DO IT.
Now I am home and rinsed off- I putt off the after swim slosh til now. Sometimes I like it. I'm feeling good, folks. I just need to repeat some variation of today every day to come and it will be ginger-peachy. :) Funny how my plans give way to life's plans.
Today was great. Thx for great days and thx for lousy days God. You lifted me up today. I carry the faces of the wounded too tightly sometimes. Thank you for giving me some fresh air and cool water. Make me to stand also in ugliest walking death for you. It terrifies me. So do You. And, with that, I am at peace and delirious in my satisfaction in You.
Ya.
Ya.
Sweet dreams world. Safe places and kind people to all. From the bottom of my heart.
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