Sunday, February 7, 2010

a pence more Monday

Some days I feel very very old.
Aged, really. Like I am a great great grandmother. Not tired necessarily, rather, filled with time past. Like I am just passing by on a lazy river while the world carries on. Others paddle close-by. One or two may even steady the current with me through the story book pages of my existence in this body, this world...

long long sigh and sigh Monday



Moon River, wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style some day.

Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going I'm going your way.

Two drifters off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.

We're after the same rainbow's end--
waiting 'round the bend,
my huckleberry friend,

Moon River and me.

© 1961 Paramount Music Corporation, ASCAP

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

i took a shower Tuesday afternoon

sometimes i feel truly alive
today it was the few moments after i finished my shower
i dried my body
looked at the hair on my legs
i was singing you got it by mr orbison
mostly because i had just finished watching boys on the side
looking down at the hair on my legs gives me peace
stability maybe
it has yet to let me down i guess
that was not the moment
it helped to create the moment
i stepped out of the diminutive tiled shower
it is the color of a morning tide pool
it makes it easier to breathe somehow
for me anyway
i had only briefly ran the stiffened pink towel down the back
of my soaked crowning hair
it is too short to be called long and too long to be called short
i run my fingers through it now and again wishing it was gone
then i think about being a woman
i overthink that for another hour and
then shake it off with a glass of water
the moments i truly felt alive today
i stayed naked
the moisture was evaporating from my skin
the soft winter daylight whispered through the burled bathroom glass window
it faces east
you can't see through it
only the light
i stood before the sink
naked and cool skinned
opening the small, plastic, center medicine cabinet door
i grabbed my toothbrush
unscrewed the cap of my toothpaste
turned on the tap and ran the combo underneath
as i started the rhythm of small circular movement back and forth
across the secret world that is my teeth
i felt it
i closed the small mirrored door to stare at myself
my hand content to carry on without me
cold drops of clear water
running from my scalp to the edges of my hair
falling like velvet kisses
the kind you get on your cheek from nieces and nephews on easter
it was like dying
i have found many times that feeling truly alive involves variants of death
each cold fall finding rest in the crook between neck and shoulder
slowly tracing the light from behind me
sliding towards it
to roll over and down my shoulder blade
slide noiselessly across the narrows of my collarbone
i could only know that i wanted to cry
to know what it might be like if i did cry
staring in the mirror
watching water fall from the tips of my hair
i was being touched
someone touching my skin
it was myself
the crying spirit inside of me
the one thankful for this moment
thankful for the pain of being alive
scared of having to be alive until i die
death will be better
until then
God send me courage
send me drops of peace
water on my naked body
water on my soul

i finished brushing my teeth
i like running my rinsed toothbrush back over them
especially behind each tooth
i also brush my tongue
it makes me smile
wrapping the now damp towel around my head like a pink cocoon
i dress
and sigh
and try to think of other things


i love being naked
i love being bundled
i am learning to feel truly alive
for more than the moments
some days
someday
i believe in someday
just like today believes in me

sigh
i will die if otherwise
the kind of dying that lasts your whole life

no to that
yes to hope
even when i am alone
angry
forlorn
ambivalent
woe begotten
self piteous
etc
i am never entirely lost of my hope
in the knowledge that life is true
being alive is just half of life

help me to understand this

life after cancer is still a bitch. :)a fucking fucked the fuck up'd one! hahahahahaha! Jesus help me I'm fucking laughing! Shit :) ya. FUCK.

i love You
thanks from me to You, always. always.