baking my first cake from scratch since 1996 thursday

i'm getting my face chopped open. taking out a benign tumor.

be out for October.

doing Novel In November.

may be high time to close this conversation.

what the fuck do i do in it's place?

traveling soon sunday

i will be gone like a swan song for a while.

good thing i am the only person reading this mishigas.

i love you, me. me, too.

i need to get out of here.

husband drunk dialing other countries saturday

mostly, i sound like an asshole.


:]

sun morning thursday

it is summer. it is freezing. i dreamed of snow. thank you for the sun. thank you for this morning.

thank you.

i still mean it

"WEDNESDAY, JUNE 22, 2011
wednesday
i try to be honest and open. this requires me to trust. and i do. not everyone. relatively few. the few i do; i will bleed myself to be open with. this does not always go well. which is why it is so difficult to open up at all. if i do not live open and honest, though, i am dead. i am trying not to live dead. i have lived dead most of my life.

i have to trust that those i trust know who i am. at least, who i am determined to be. better. stronger. more open.

as i said, this does not always turn out well. i hope a light turns on for us to understand. it is worth it to me.

tell me how i have not proven myself loyal. tell me how i have not proven myself devoted. tell me what i have done to show anti-love and support. otherwise, tell me how you see us moving forward with what is shared. for understanding. it is worth it to me.


i am good at accepting no longer being wanted. i wear it well. this does not stop my being from wanting ones who do not want me. i will let go of those who ask or demand it. so far as my heart can cry. it heals over eventually. the memory dies after 10 or 15 years. maybe. not always. not in important instances. it is worth it to me to stand ground until cut down. because love is worth it.

well, people leave all the time. it's what people do. i stay. i want to stay. not to say that i am not good at leaving. poisonous people have found that i disappear very well. i try my deepest to be certain there is nothing else before walking away. i never like it. i heal and life moves forward.


i grew up in house where i was not able to speak my truth. my real thoughts and feelings. my relationships throughout my life, minus a handful, were the same scenario. i do not want that anymore. i have had the last two years to turn that mountain aside. i still have to walk through the crater it left in it's place. someday there will be a meadow there. and sunlight forever. soft rain and cool lakes. healed. flourish. i move to flourish. i will swim naked there in the haven where once my being rotted in pus and bile. cool, clean water. soft, green grass. quiet, restful peace. flourish. i move to flourish.

forgive me for not realizing how i share was not helpful at all. i was unaware. i would like to work on that. i was open and honest with no intent to injure. please help me know a better way with you. i love you.


i met you and you were fire standing in human form. you awe me. you are THE most striking being i have ever known. i adore you. i admire you. i look up to you in how to face demons in my life & the lives of ones i love. i want to bring you nothing but happiness and safety. i am sorry that i did not do that last time. i did not think i came out that way. i was calm and clear of mind when i shared with you. it came out poorly to you. you do know i have confessed that i am no good at one-on-one communication. this example must be the jewel in that crown i wear. please forgive my way of sharing.

i will try to re-do.

when you left. i was not sure you liked your time with me. i remember unhappy words. some were pointed at me. i felt cornered by my experience of these things. i did not understand why these things would have happened. i took time to be sure i really did feel that this was important. i should have waited and asked you how you would like to communicate about something important i needed to share. you have shared that you had a great time, do not remember many unhappy words & that anything said was not intended as hurtful. i believe you wholeheartedly and am done with it.

we each experienced a case of unintentional injury. the first day i met you, i forgave for anything you would ever say or do. this does not mean that i am not human and do not need to work through anger when hurt- especially when i do not know it was unintentional at the time. i speak strongly when it is important to being real with people i love and give myself to. i do this because you give me strength and courage to do so. you are the one who gave me strength to start saying No to toxic people in my life. so, i want to share pain with you when i feel it. i am glad you shared your pain with me. i am sad that i caused it. please forgive me.

i love you.
POSTED BY ME AT 2:42 AM 0 COMMENTS "

killlers playing in house thusday

i have a stack of clean laundry on my bed. i will move it to the rug.

i have use of all my limbs and appendages. i have the ability to think critically. when i think about it. my mouth is pink. my nostrils are adequately sized. these are all things i appreciate.

i have halting emotions when remembering negative experiences. i say, "well. how about that." i smile. i breathe deep. i repeat as needed. i am living in the present. i am living now. not there. i live here. now. here. now.

Mmmhmm Monday

in love with a queen wednesday morning

i had a dream that i hitched a midnight ride with Freddie Mercury. i confess "i'm kind of in love with you."



he smiles. we cruise under the city lights. his boyfriend sits in the passenger seat and all is right with existing. (ps, this sexy boat of a car has the middle front seat so i lean back, as near as near can be).

thank you sleep brain. thank you.

i kind of relate a little more than i think i should tuesday

i can't figure out how to make this a link...so copy and paste. it's worth it.

http://whydoihaveablog.net/post/170014308/things-that-shouldnt-give-me-anxiety-but-do-part-5

crazy. but i get it!

grace kelly thursday

not knowing whether you will have an organ removed is sickening. also, not knowing if the removal of this organ will have permanent peripheral consequences- like never being able to speak again- makes my skin flush and burn in the nausea of permanent unhappiness. just enough to cause an emotional limp. when every skin cell vibrates with knowing of hysteria and resignation. i want to throw up. throw up everything until i heave air. this will not make the pain go away. this will only help the mourning begin. sweaty, snot sledged wailing in the dark corner of my bedroom. my face sticks to the floor. the floor has no empathy. my heart shakes to knife through my sternum and flounder outside of my body until it dies. that is how the emotional limp feels in the beginning. after the beginning, my eyes leak with no sight to purpose. they just leak. clammy cheeks. clammy insides. clammy mind. clammy emotional limp. all this and the organ waits for the verdict. cut. or keep.

fucking brilliant. (hysterical laughter to onset of general stupor)

throwing out wednesday afternoon

every year, since i was old enough to want to, i go through my private collections of bits and bunches. and throw things the fuck out. pictures. letters. clothes. mismatched jewelry. gifts i do not remember. gifts i do not want to remember.

today. i emptied out a large red suitcase full of what i was once afraid to get rid of. old school notes and homework- who does that? pictures that have only brought me unhappy memories.

i am the reason. i disappoint people. they get done. i hurt. i try to hold on and hope. none of those people in the pictures have anything to do with my life. why can't i let go? there is always some god damn fucking redeemable quality that i wait on. i want them to do that for me. but, i disappoint. they disappoint.

i have come to the understanding that this IS what being human is. still sucks most of the time. :] fuck it if i do not continue to dig through and reach air. reach sunshine. be better.

i do not need fear; i throw away pictures, letters, miscellanea. years of broken promises and fudged moments. they are ALL forgivable and so am I. I AM FORGIVABLE. I forgive myself each time i throw away items that i have tethered my heart with. tethered to fear and anger.

i have literally been hauling this beat up, gnarly old red suitcase with busted zippers and grime streaked sides, for SIX years.
six. fucking. years.

what.
the.
fuck.

today. it is empty and out of my life.

fear less.

i am.

i did it.

i did it!

i ran today wednesday

my entire body says 'yum.' i thought i might pass out in the park where i was...jogging persistently. once i stopped seeing spots and my ears ceased ringing, i futzed through my cool down and tried not to vomit. :] on my way out of the park, i received an appreciative, eye-contact nod from the shirtless and leathery groundskeeper.

awesome.

hahahahahahahaha!

is it tuesday?

baby birds shouting and crying for attention outside my window. plane flying somewhere overhead. construction noises chipping and scraping away. cars, buses, and scooters thrumming by in waves. quiet hum of my computer fan while it cools this machine. i am missing the up-arrow key. car horn sounds. i breathe in. i breathe out. empty cereal bowl with small stainless steel spoon sits on my bed. digestion talks to me as it makes the rounds.

breathe. smile. wait on what i have no power to change.

a Serenity Prayer
Creator grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as You did, this world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to the Greater Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You Forever in the next. Amen.

friday

i am going to be naked with men,women, and children, in a beautiful spa tomorrow. this is normal here. not just for the obscenely , moderately, or slightly wealthy. for the equivalent of 7 bucks- you're in.

nakedness helps me. mortality is easier to face when naked in a healing place.

wednesday

i try to be honest and open. this requires me to trust. and i do. not everyone. relatively few. the few i do; i will bleed myself to be open with. this does not always go well. which is why it is so difficult to open up at all. if i do not live open and honest, though, i am dead. i am trying not to live dead. i have lived dead most of my life.

i have to trust that those i trust know who i am. at least, who i am determined to be. better. stronger. more open.

as i said, this does not always turn out well. i hope a light turns on for us to understand. it is worth it to me.

tell me how i have not proven myself loyal. tell me how i have not proven myself devoted. tell me what i have done to show anti-love and support. otherwise, tell me how you see us moving forward with what is shared. for understanding. it is worth it to me.


i am good at accepting no longer being wanted. i wear it well. this does not stop my being from wanting ones who do not want me. i will let go of those who ask or demand it. so far as my heart can cry. it heals over eventually. the memory dies after 10 or 15 years. maybe. not always. not in important instances. it is worth it to me to stand ground until cut down. because love is worth it.

well, people leave all the time. it's what people do. i stay. i want to stay. not to say that i am not good at leaving. poisonous people have found that i disappear very well. i try my deepest to be certain there is nothing else before walking away. i never like it. i heal and life moves forward.


i grew up in house where i was not able to speak my truth. my real thoughts and feelings. my relationships throughout my life, minus a handful, were the same scenario. i do not want that anymore. i have had the last two years to turn that mountain aside. i still have to walk through the crater it left in it's place. someday there will be a meadow there. and sunlight forever. soft rain and cool lakes. healed. flourish. i move to flourish. i will swim naked there in the haven where once my being rotted in pus and bile. cool, clean water. soft, green grass. quiet, restful peace. flourish. i move to flourish.

forgive me for not realizing how i share was not helpful at all. i was unaware. i would like to work on that. i was open and honest with no intent to injure. please help me know a better way with you. i love you.


i met you and you were fire standing in human form. you awe me. you are THE most striking being i have ever known. i adore you. i admire you. i look up to you in how to face demons in my life & the lives of ones i love. i want to bring you nothing but happiness and safety. i am sorry that i did not do that last time. i did not think i came out that way. i was calm and clear of mind when i shared with you. it came out poorly to you. you do know i have confessed that i am no good at one-on-one communication. this example must be the jewel in that crown i wear. please forgive my way of sharing.

i will try to re-do.

when you left. i was not sure you liked your time with me. i remember unhappy words. some were pointed at me. i felt cornered by my experience of these things. i did not understand why these things would have happened. i took time to be sure i really did feel that this was important. i should have waited and asked you how you would like to communicate about something important i needed to share. you have shared that you had a great time, do not remember many unhappy words & that anything said was not intended as hurtful. i believe you wholeheartedly and am done with it.

we each experienced a case of unintentional injury. the first day i met you, i forgave for anything you would ever say or do. this does not mean that i am not human and do not need to work through anger when hurt- especially when i do not know it was unintentional at the time. i speak strongly when it is important to being real with people i love and give myself to. i do this because you give me strength and courage to do so. you are the one who gave me strength to start saying No to toxic people in my life. so, i want to share pain with you when i feel it. i am glad you shared your pain with me. i am sad that i caused it. please forgive me.

i love you.

time goes saturday

June is almost over.

April...what did I do in April? Work.

May...Backstage work for a theatre production.

June...ran the theatre production. Quit my job. Made two new friends.

Next week...back to the gym. I need to feel alive. I have been trying to feel alive. What I am choosing is not working. So, exercise is my next choice. If I hurt and wrestle with the weakling in me, then, maybe I will feel a bit more alive.

I have been trying to work myself out and am having trouble breaking through the top soil. I wan to stop beating my head against the same brick wall...any brick wall. I want a nose job so that I will not see the etchings of my mother when I look in the mirror. I want green eyes. I want black skin. I want change. I want freedom in change. Exercise is less drastic.

tuesday tuesday

how do i want to go?

jump out of a plane with no parachute?

climb mt. everest?


taking a bullet for someone?



??

cosas Thursday

Favorites.


Perfected Pizza
Exquisite Macaroni & Cheese
Fresh Feldsalat in the lightest of mustard dressings

Clean, Cool Water.

tooty frooty sunday morning

thank you for off brand cereals.

did you know that if you are silent and still, you may be able to feel the pulsating of your heart beats cover your entire body? it is wonderful. my house is quiet and sleeping. i hear only one bird sing for a few seconds and it is gone. there is a car driving by every now and then. and I sneeze like a honking goose two times. my kind of sunday.


i am going to climb back into bed and read The Siren by kiera cass. delicious, delicious day.

sun sunday

I have mixed emotions about the sun. I enjoy seeing it, but, only when I am in the shade... preferably inside a clean and cozy room. No bugs, no sunburns. At the same time, I want to run in it. Brown in it until I crisp. Leather myself in rays of hot sweaty light. Laugh crash into the ocean to refresh my happily burning cells.

Eh, life.

responsible tuesday

i'm trying to keep up with what responsible adults do...


check the mail every day.
floss twice a day.
re-apply deodorant?


(and, recently: remember appointments you make with friends- especially when you've sent them a color-coded calendar.]

crooners make me smile saturday

the world is changing. and. leaving me behind.

what do i do with this fact.

fact. not to be disputed. not to be argued with. i will die and the world will keep 'worlding.'


where is the reason? i wish i had never been led to think about a reason for existence. i used to dream of becoming mentally disabled. completely ignorant. just happy. but, would i be happy? i probably would be dumped into a care home. left with dirty, depressing rooms and "care-takers". fucked either way.


so, i listen to harry connick jr and wish for the 90's. the parts i wish for. dumb, i know. not fulfilling. but damnit if harry and e.r. don't warm me from my coma a bit. just a bit.


shit.


why can't i just be normal? just happy? ignorantly happy?


i am snapping out of it. it is taking a few years. has been. i want to snap out of it. i am working to snap out it.


le sigh.

cock a doodle doo saturday

"grab my cock. as i walk. grab my butt. in a rut."

songs my husband sings while prancing around in the morning.

yup.

all mine.

wednesday of nothing unimportant

i'm having a love-hate relationship with these wasabi potato chips tonight. do i love them? I DON'T KNOW!

i want life to slow down. i've been listening to the song "combinations" by eisley. over and over and over this week.

i do not know how to live. i have only known broken heart living. my heart isn't broken anymore.

MY HEART IS NOT FUCKING BROKEN ANYMORE!!!! IT'S FUCKING UNBELIEVABLE FANTASTIC WHAT THE FUCK AMAZING WHAT DO I DO NOW!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!

i am lost. not broken hearted.

now, i am lost in the What Now.

just add water sunday

I am thankful that I married a man whom let's me be un-bathed for almost a week. He's just sitting in his soccer shorts and a t-shirt playing a video game while his stinky wife chooses to hold off bathing for a while. Sitting on the couch together, stinky and sleepy. I am extra glad that I married a man whom will sniff my armpits and my scalp when I really want him to. Hahahaha!!! He laughs with me!!!