breezy Friday

Today I woke up and visited with my husband. That always makes my life beautiful.

I decided to get out of the house and out into this tantalizing day. I have been recently okayed to eat small doses of wheat- Pizza! I stopped by Pizzicato and ordered one slice of Putanesca and one slice of Veggie. Mmmmmmm. The three of us traipsed over to some public grass under a public tree to bask in public sparkling shade; the kind that dances with sunbeams. I snagged a blanket from my trunk and a bottle of water from my bag- voila- picnic in the park. I listened to two little girls racing clumsily around the playground while they played 'who screams the loudest and for how long.' It was thoroughly delicious to every lotion of my soul. I think I would like to picnic again in my very near future.

After I made oracular love to my pizza and water, I mosied on over to smoothie land. 20 ounces of raspberry-mango-pineapple-blueberry goodness. I took my spoils to the bookstore and perused around until fully satisfied with the grazing over new covers with my fingertips. mmmm. I love plopping down into a warm, almost steamy, vehicle after being in an air conditioned space. I relished in the heat of my automobile for a good 10 minutes after leaving the bookstore. I simply sat, eyes closed, head back against the driver's seat, breathing deeply. After my therapy session was up I drove on over to my free-movie (those club cards actually pay off).

Now I am home after popping in to the grocery store for my wheat representative: Toasty O's. :] Add a little rice milk and be thou in a heavenly state. (Totally my dinner tonight).


I love you. Jesus loves you. Let's each have a bowl of cereal.

letter to V Friday

I was going to call you but I am calmer now. I would still like the spiritual support that I have heard you mention that you are comfortable with.

Tonight, while I was in P. Square after we served all of the burritos, I was watching the bags while J and G went to get someone a sandwich.

I was sitting on a bench with K's bag, the friend's bag, the burrito Ikea bag, and J's purse. I was wearing my long dress, which you saw, and my usual old lady straw hat.

After a few moments, a man who looked like your average Pland business guy- black shoes, slacks, black jacket with toggles for buttons, wearing a tie and nice sunglasses, short cropped hair- business guy appearance- he was walking by and looked my way. He asked "Excuse me, are you from Portland?" I got up, now thinking he was a tourist, and said ""Yes."

Man: "Do you know of any camping places nearby"

Me: "What do you mean? What kind of camping?" "In the city, or, in the woods?"

Man: "I'm looking for the kind of camps where homeless youth stay. Are there any places in the city?"

Me: "That's being worked on right now, but currently, it's illegal to camp in the city. There are some places, like [place] by the airport that are permanent as of now."

Man: "[place]? Where's that; how do you get there?"

Me: "It's kind of a tent city by the airport. You can take [road] to [road]."

Man: "I'm kind of down on my luck and I'm working for this celebrity in Las Vegas that wants me to shoot adult portraits to send down to Mexico. You're 18?"

Me: "Over."

Man: "Ok. Good. I'm looking for girls in these camps where the homeless youth are to make some videos- you're not a street kid are you?"

Me: "No."

Man: "Ok. You're not a church girl are you?"

Me: "That doesn't really exist up here."

Man: "Good, because one of the questions I need to ask- Do you, do you fuck out?"

Me: "No, I don't."

Man:"Ok. Do you smoke any bud?"

Me:"No, I don't, but I'm sure you can find someone around who does."

Man: "Ok." we shake hands "What was your name?"

Me :"Zo." I was still in an out of body state before I thought 'don't say anything-or- get his name or card.'

Man: "Zo, ok, have a good night."

He walked of going north away from the square. A few moments later, J and the other two came back. I was still in disbelief and slowly beginning to process my encounter while I told them what happened like a joke.

It did not take very long for me to become angry, fearful, anxious about this man and his plans. I walked to where I saw a uniform. It ended up being a Square patrol (not a cop), so I told him I was solicited and gave him a description.
On the drive to drop off the bags at Ken's, my rage and fury painted every bit of me. I was very happy to give you a small hug when we made it there.

I called the police on my way home and left them a voicemail with a brief detail of the occurrence and a description.


The anxiety kept building along with my anger. What if I can't be safe when we go to the Square anymore? What about all of those girls and women this man and others like him get to before the police catch him? I shook his hand and was patient with him, while he endeavored to enslave me. I was alone. I’m small. I’m not physically strong. It is awful to be stuck in this physical state. I was alone. He could find me. I am mad for having to worry about these things. Jesus loves him. I have God’s love and mercy for him. I showed him love. But, I want him to go to prison. There are men and women like this man who are wrangling women and boys and men into sexual slavery. And, I want to help them be clean in their hearts. And, I am helpless.

I am working through a lot of things in my heart and mind about the experience. This guy is still out there. I am supposed to be Jesus to him. I am furious and anxiety ridden for me and women and men; and sad for this man.

I am in a state of philosophical, theological, physiological, spiritual, everything-ogical chaos. But not chaos, at the same time; all twisting and clawing at my being.

I am watching tv episodes online until I pass out. I am also self-medicating with sugary gum. It’s a great novacaine.
God is teaching me something, whatever the fuck it is.

So, lift me up to God, please. I need assistance.
Necesito ayudas, Jesus.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Thursday

I am mad at the world, a little bit.

I was solicited for prostitution this evening. Unless the police find him, there will be women being enslaved.

If Jesus came back right now, everything would be fixed.

It is conflicting to have love/pity/hope for this man and the people he works for; hope that they will meet the face of God. Outrage, woe, loving'kindness, etc.

thx Neil Patrick Harris Wednesday

Catch Phrase is in the all time hall of my fame game hall. (of fame).


http://www.hulu.com/watch/28343/dr-horribles-sing-along-blog

You need this. Watch it. It will make you happy. :)

mildly depressed but not but yes Thursday

Even Michael Buble can't make my spirit sway toward the light. I am not drowning. If I was, I would be in bed with the pillows marshmallowing my face. I am not at an impasse. I am at , not a fork int the road, perhaps, maybe, I am on the edges of the pages of my life. They are frayed, worn, yellowed, and smell great. Dusty old book life. I am in the spot where I slowly cut through the plastic wrap around my heart and mind. Depressing, but more of an unknown that is terrifying- but I long for it so exceedingly that I cannot stay here. But it is terrifying to leave. Why have I been daydreaming about becoming a shut in. Daydreaming that once I accepted agoraphobia that I would be truly in a constant and continual state of relief. This is just not true. WTF. :) I knew this. I know that I knew this all along. I also know that I knew if it could just happen it would be true. But I knew it wouldn't. I love myself. I have faith in myself, to a degree. I am safe. My life has slowly curled tighter and tighter around the insatiable hunger and thirst for safety. Now what do I do? Knowing that safety is sterile, in my case. Sterility is not how I want to live. That is terrifying to admit, to accept, and where the fuck is my twelve-step program?

I thought that I was above the mess. Not fully. Just enough to be free to the ankles. I am now discovering, unpleasantly, that I am 5 feet under. At least now I have an oxygen tank. So. I have realized that I did not know how to breathe, did not know how to swim and have been floating sideways and upside down in my desire for safety over life. So. God help me. Help me. Help me. Help me.

Not depressed. Just fetal. But conscious, now. Fully? Not yet.

i wrote this last tuesday Wednesday

hey. i'm up.

Thursday, July 2, 2009 at 11:42pm

it's sultry tonight. steamy air bows aside for whirling breezes created by winding plastic wings. all pointed at me.

the proclaimers are moved so by my tear drops, they're running down my face. diamonds of water and salt from my body, coming down to meet their kisses. that is what they sing to me. i can accept the antithesis to my current state. teardrops kissed by the proclaimers. dry cheeks kissed by no one. not until I hear Alvin and the Chipmunks caroling over supermarket speakers. happy tears kissed happily. stay tuned.

sometimes i dream i can fly. i am walking down a public hallway. glance sideways at vacant faces. leering faces. my steps increase to hip hop video status. faces blur. i run. i run until a am wind-whipped of my clothing and cares. wings flow from me and i am a new being. delicious dreams.

i dream. i dream i am in a prison. wrongfully held. ignorantly punished. "they want to kill me." it is a prison camp. the bodies in x-ray chains mill. recognition. i know them. homeless. friends. we are pariah. cattled. slowly guillotined. power must die first. i am a fence dweller. not homeless. not other. other want to kill me. no fence dwellers. dangerous. have voice. can change. i must escape. they want to kill me. my dream ends hiding on a gritty cement floor slacked with sweat and fear. determination to get out. speak out. not cattle. human being. human beings. parts of the whole. real dream. not the whole. too graphic.


I dream. most nights. deeply.

must learn from my dreams. no other option.

unknown. how. do first. think later.

ok.

i am floored by the beauty of power within a person.

you are full of beauty.

you are full of power.

i love you.

-by Me

heart of life is good Tuesday

Finished Ann Lamott's "Traveling Mercies"... I will be reading the others very very soon. She writes in a vignette style that I want more and more of.

Life is hard. I want to stay in my world of books forever. I want to be loved. I want to be an effective human being in this world. How do I make those desires work?

I want to unplug from the global communications system. I want to document my life and share it with the world. But I don't. But I do. But I... You see my problem?

I would of made a good nun, were I Catholic. That is, until I drove myself mad with longing for freedom of expression in relation to my mind, body, spirit, and relationships with other people.Only to desperately gasp for solitary air. Only to then...

I am in deep empathy to the rubber band.

old school Monica Friday

My cat has flopped across my bedroom floor with his back to the wall where a breeze from a portable fan bounces off to cool him down. I am cooling down with 90's HipHop and R&B. Nothing better.


I love water. I love drinking hot water, cold water, lukewarm water. I love swimming in water, bathing in water, cooking with water; water is amazing! Amazing!

I am a paradox. A multiple paradox (just go with it). 800 paradox's in one person. I am paradoxology.

My Mantra:

I am not a failure! I am not a failure! I am not a failure!

and

I am powerful. I am full of beauty. I am strong. I am thankful. I am fucking AMAZING!

whew Thursday

I have wanted a tattoo behind my right ear, off and on, for about 8 years. I decided it would be the Greek verse Phil 1:21 "For to me to live [is] Christ, and to die [is] gain." What this verse means for me beyond exactly what it states- I do not know. I am still scrubbing out the poisonous voices of rotted "believers." So, I have no knowledge to translate my own unintelligible soul mutterings about God and Jesus, etc. I do know that alive is Christ (Anointed One) and dead is true and absolute freedom. That is the extent of my knowledge.


Thinking about getting the tattoo. I'll probably think about it for another 8 years.


"It took me a while and quite a few bruises to finally discover that the best life I am meant to live and the ever-elusive purpose I am meant to possess is actually right in front of me right now. I already have it." -Pretty Interesting Pam 2009

Dito, Pam.