Friday, December 17, 2010

apeshit coming soon friday

i just ate a hunk of cheese. by hunk, i mean the size and thickness of my fist. i have also been drinking orange juice from the jug and am on my way to the kitchen for another 1.75 liters.


this means something is eating me. what is it? i'm not sure yet. this is the beginning stage. i have come to recognize (in this exact moment) that i eat obnoxious amounts of food when my heartmindself- for lack of a better term- is about to go apeshit.


so, fuck rebellion- i am soaking up my crazy sauce and waiting for the monsoon.


it's been awhile since my last blowthefuckupandbecomefireworks intrapersonal experience. i have been doing better. growing up in little ways. not staying in bed and going to work later when i could. putting my toothbrush away EVERY time, exactly where it was before. little things that show i am gaining stability.

whatever this is that is inducing consumption of fine cheese in large quantities, this is bringing me closer to stability.


good.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

excerpts from a letter to a once friend wednesday

"I am simply working each hour to be at peace and to exist to dwell and create happiness. I have not decided which path to follow when it comes to the twin of peace- justice. That, I may never decide how and where to move forward. I do not allow poisonous people into my life. That has been the greatest of my strength building forces. I have requested, in love and respect, that my mother not contact me. She still tries, but, this is not healthy for the time being. This has been the most poisonous of my relationships. She is not ready to have it otherwise, so, I will not have it be at all. The next most poisonous relationship has been with the Western Christianity Churches/Religions. Until the counterpart is ready to be real and honest, I will not allow it to be at all. No more poison allowed.


I would like to see you, if you would also like to see me. Please know that I am a fucking mad woman with multiple spirits that I express in sometimes opposing ways- and I am damn fucking more than ok with it all. I love me, all of me. I am sophisticated and idiotic. I am ingenious and crass. I am not one way and I never will be. You must know by now that I have always loved you. Even and most especially when I let myself feel miserable with you. Knowing that I am the most generous and kind bitch you will come across, will you love me even half as much as I love you? I don't think like you, live like you, believe like you, act like you- I do nothing like anyone because I am a masterpiece. You are. That is how I think and feel about that.

What do you have to say?"

this time the answer was- yes.

wish me all good and brilliant.

no typo.



all good and brilliant.

Light.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

flying in snow out my window sunday

i don't know why conversations i have heard, regarding rod stewart, curse his name. i don't know what he did to piss you people off. maybe his failings were more public than ours, but we all FAIL. get over it. i love listening to his music. maybe he didn't write the songs. maybe he doesn't believe in them. but. he sings them. for better or worse. he sings.


Sunday, November 28, 2010

promise i'm not antisocial entirely sunday

look, people. sometimes a person sits with her eyes closed in a coffee shop across from her friend because she explicitly wants to be in the same space as this friend and not fill it with chatter- because there is nothing more to fucking say right now! why are people so grated by silence? by stillness? my friend is reading and i have stared happily and thoughtfully at her for 15 minutes, i would like to dwell in the caverns of my thoughts now, thank you. ps, having my eyes closed is a part of the experience. you should try it sometime. really. stop talking to me. stop talking. calm down. close your mouths. close your eyes. and think.

i know you are not trying to be rude, but, you're being invasive a smidge. i understand that you could not possibly know how important it is to me that i sit here like a warm, mushy statue and bury my mind in the sand behind my eyelids. sandy beaches as waves of thinking roll, and roll, and roll, and roll... FUCKING ESSENTIAL TO ME! you grate me with your fidgety need to fill the silence and pester me in order to make yourselves feel less uncomfortable. grmmmarbgreeblthrrrr!!! that is the noise in my person right now.

okay, i know. you want to communicate with the weirdos. the friends sitting across from the table, not making eye contact, not making noise, and not freaking out about it. i will open her computer and spallunk around until you feel like your work here is done and commence talking amongst yourselves like good little coffee shop goers.

yes, i know i'm a freak. BUT IT MAKES ME HAPPY. :]!!!! so, unless you are ready to discuss with me the possibilities of what happens when a human dies, our deepest struggles and most majestic triumphs; shit like this- please silencio. i can't handle any other type of conversation right now. which is why i am going to sit here and think. in silence. eyes closed.

some day i might be like you. don't set your hopes too high. i really like being me. FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAK!

Friday, November 26, 2010

days days saturday 2:12am

the other day
listening to Frou Frou radio on last.fm
thoroughly delightful
like cupcakes
with sugar crystal sprinkled frosting
and those metalic sugary beads on top
delicious to my self
thank you music
i bet you want a towering cupcake with mountains of frosting...
me too. hahahaahahahaahahaha!
let's get one! (each)

the day before that
Too many things not to do.
I suppose I intend the meaning: boredom.
I do have things to do
I am unable to do them for reasons like time; lacking.
Listening to Tony Toni Tone'.
Time which does not belong to me.
For lending my time I receive pay.
It will do for now, but will not for much longer.
I need to start viewing this as 'my whole life is ahead of me.'
I certainly do not see, feel, think, exist in this way.
My life has been over for years! Hahahaha!
I am in a state between life and death.
Like I am on borrowed minutes.
White haired. Twig bones. Paper skin. Dappled waves of age spots.
That is how I see, feel, think, exist.
I need to snap out of it!
Which will take some time.

today
talking about sex, death, loyalty, love, freedom. Freedom from past. Freedom in present. Freedom for future. Desire for burning freedom; freedom which burns up the souls around me until we are the fire of life. Red, searing bellows of flame. i am on fire. i am fire. I AM FIRE.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

shit I say sunday

Myself, I am intent on living in harmony. harmony does not always mean bliss- yet, always means genuine life. I want to be a better me than I was yesterday- each day. Sometimes I am, other times I have more to work on. I am thoroughly welcoming of this existence.

Monday, November 1, 2010

blaggadyblaggadygarb monday

i love books
here's the thing. (let's talk straight)


my ideal world would have me as an agoraphobe. yup.

(a rich agoraphobe)

i would live in my little house. i would never leave. everything would be delivered. duh. it's called the Internet.

i would read books and watch tv/movies all day. i would eat. i would sleep. and repeat.

i would have money automatically taken from my ka'ching account to various noble charities- so as not to feel like a total bottom-feeder.

however, without the materializing and uninterrupted income- this is not happening. also, there would be no sex- and safe, positive sexual experiences are a human right; i am just about damned certain.

so, i get up. i get dressed. i shower three times a week. sometimes four. and i go interact with the physical world populated by people, places, and things. i do like it. i even have extended periods of cherished dwelling in the orb of environments that is earth. it's just not my gut go-to.

on the other end. i could go hiking and sleep on rocks anytime. (i do like having the t.p., though.)

complicated masterpiece. we each are.

(we each are bonafide weirdies, too) (fyi)

Sunday, October 24, 2010

fucking why do i have to re-live this conversation again and again sunday

that was supposed to be me
i was supposed to be in front of that congregation
i was supposed to be singing church songs, camp songs, praise songs
clapping my hands with the microphone harmony, melody with the acapella brethren
that was supposed to be me writing music for lifting the soul to heaven
singing, leading the congregation
you all were supposed to come to my house
to my hospitality
singing on the carpet with the lights off
reading that book
religiously
it makes me sick to think of it, that world
it makes me sad
i will never go back
my eyes are open and you all have closed your ears, your hearts to me
because i disagreed
because i spoke different to your rythm
you said "that's nice"
pat my head and put me in my place
you who spoke freedom
restoration
you are the Strangler
you are the same tomb as those 'other churches'
you are they
in your brightly painted denial
smug
leading the desperate to an empty well
calling it refreshing
why am i sad
when i see a picture of her singing
smiling
blissful
singing all the right songs
with all the right people
in all the right rules
she is happy
in the life that was promised me
now i am free
sad
and free
my happiness is a prize far greater than yours will ever be
i am sad
simply of the ignorance once held
now i am awake to life
to death
i am awake and alive
your church is desert
not enough
not enough
not enough
not enough
not enough
not enough
not enough
not enough
NOT ENOUGH!!!
that was supposed to be me
thank the One it is not
no more damage will be done
in the name of false restoration
give me real
give me actual
give me the anti-lie
mine
mine
mine is the Freedom
mine is the TRUTH
what exactly
only the One may display
i will sing those songs no more
i sing my soul
only my soul
to the One
you may join me if you like
you may join me if you do not like
i will be where i will
free
true
true
real
real.

Friday, October 1, 2010

fucking shit but que sera friday

sometimes, i just want to say "i hate my fucking life". i don't. i just hate certain things about my life in this moment on this day- on certain days which happen to happen some days...

and then my husband reaches one of his perpetually warm hands over and holds my arm as we sit side by side. and i breathe.

i just need to recall my place within this existence. i am trapped in my own mind. there is no 'outside' of my gray matter.

gray matter in my plasma, in my bones, in my muscles, sinews, tissues. all of which will die. cease to exist. then where is My existence? where?

so, i eat. i drink. i pee. i poop. i bathe. i sleep. i interact with people and with the plants, places, things around me. i dance. i dream. i cry. i laugh. i cry and laugh some more.

i'll try to keep the laughter at greater odds. what more can i do?

Saturday, September 25, 2010

crisp, cloudy, golden sunday morning

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, what i look forward to about autumn.

cinnamon.
apples. (and cinnamon combined!)
cold, dry air with the smell of fireplaces warming up cold homes.
pumpkin everything.
did i mention pumpkin everything?
soft, comfy sweaters.
long underwear. (yyyyuuuuuuuummmm to my body)
scarves and woolly hats.
Charlie Brown and The Great Pumpkin
A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving
baking cookies.
just baking!
children wearing so many layers that they look like marshmallows with feet.
gloves! i love gloves!
chapstick. yay for this invention and the serenity it brings to me.
wool, knee-high socks. (we're besties)
arroz con leche en la manana. (mmmmmmmmm...)
homemade artichoke heart dip. fuck ya! (maybe i should make some tomorrow...) :)
hot soup. hot, hot, hot, hot soup. in buckets.
hot pots of tea!
blowing kisses at leaves as they fall off the trees. (try it, it's glorious)
watching squirrels scamper around with their stuffed cheeks.
meringue on pie. lemon meringue pie.
PIE!
mmmmmmmmmmmm, pie.
watching my husband watching football. :)
seeing my breath float in a haze around my face. freaking awesome. every time.
exhaling extra slow in order to maximize the steamy goodness in the air.
cold cheeks glowing red when i walk in a heated room.
dogs in sweaters. ( i know, but i heart it)
everyone's nipples poking through their tops. (it's kind of hilarious)
how everyone decides to wear brown, purple, and orange for some reason? :)
burrowing under heavy blankets whenever possible.
pretending to hibernate in said blankets.

i love autumn.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

gaaaaaaaaah wednesday

Can anybody tell me what happens when a human dies?

Only those whom have died and returned may apply.


Until I find out, I'll be meandering about the face of the Earth.


Thanks.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

hold you forever saturday

Sang this with serenity smile as I made chocolate strawberry pie this morning. I love you.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

homepdx sunday


"We believe that people deserve to be loved simply because they exist. We believe in full equality for women; people of all religions (or no religion); people of all races, nationalities, backgrounds, sexual preference, economic and social classes."

Friday, September 10, 2010

bathroom humor friday

i shared the greatest idea with my husband this week.

"We're going to do something."

"What?"

"The next time either of us poops, I am going to wipe your butt and you are going to wipe my butt- to prepare us for when we get really old and have to do it for real."

"No."

"I'm wiping your ass."

[husband walks out of room]

I think he'll catch on.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

siren sunday morning


i am the sea
i wash the world
i create FREE
free to flow
free to crash
free to destroy
free to form into being
terrifying beauty, boldness,
peace
i am the ocean
i am the sea
i am she

Saturday, August 28, 2010

quirks to smile about Saturday

I woke up this morning and decided to make salsa. I had chopped 3 or 4 medium white onions two days ago and soaked them in the juice of 5 small squeezed lemons, pinch of sea salt, 3tsp cumin, dash of parsley and some paprika for kicks. This had been marinating in my fridge and begged for more.

This morning, in olive-green a-shirt and baggy, grey pajama pants- I wielded my weapon of choice with pleasure filled mastery. (One of those knives with curved top and tear-drop divets in the sharp end of the blade...I like to think of it as the Moby Dick of knives in my kitchen).

3 yellow, 3 red, and 1 green bell pepper: de-seed, slice and dice. Throw it in the bucket!
1 fresh jalapeno: slightly de-seeded, sliced, and diced. Throw it in the bucket!
2 mondo-normous gargantuan tomatoes: de-seed, slice, dice. You know the drill :)
1 bundle of leaf-picked and finely chopped cilantro- of course. helloooooo!

Now I am happily kissed in my nostrils and lungs by steeping, crisp salsa as I stir in finely chopped chives. Savoring the marriage of lemon, onion, and cumin pouring over each colorful bit of delic-itude. YESSSSSSSSSS! I! HAVE! MADE! SALSA!

I crash in more spices now! Cumin, cumin cumin! Paprika! Dry red pepper seeds! A wee bit of Dry, crushed coriander and sea salt for one fatty happy family. :)

As I stuff my happy fatty face with heaps of salsa on top of olive-oil grilled corn-tortillas I am remiss of garlic. This will be remedied tomorrow morning :)

Food like this makes my brain sexy.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

in case you are hurting wednesday


"You hurt as long as you want. You fucking scream at the fucking top of your fucking beautiful angry miserable hysterical lungs. You dance until your clothes burn off and the only thing left is your triumphant soul. You LOVE. LOVE EVERYTHING. LOVE EVERY ONE. Love your skin. Love your breath. Love your tastebuds. Love your sense of touch, your sense of smell. Love all that your eyes can take in and see beyond even that. Love the bleeding young woman inside of you. Love the all consuming fire that you are becoming. You are fire for me."

i wrote this to a dear friend and sister a lifetime ago. i want you to know i say it to you. man, woman, boy, girl, fellow-being. me, too.

i love you.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

' i. am.' saturday

a letter to a dear friend of mine. i want to share it.

"I saw this big book in a shop window. i walk by this shop every weekend when i meander to the town center to people watch and ice-cream eat ;) The books in the window are usually photography or art collections, maybe an antique journal or two.

I fell in love.

This big book staring boldy through the glass was covered in a black&white photo of a front-facing naked woman. She stood tall and fierce. Her arms were crossed under her (enormous!) breasts and her pubic hair was wild and shameless. Her face. This is where I fell in love. She had her face turned a little with her chin slightly tilted to the sky.

"I am." That is what she said to me. I want to be that picture. I thought of you on the train; of sending you a a black and white photograph of me NAKED! jumping in the air with the sun behind me! So, just you wait until i find a nude beach. I am going to smile and laugh as BIG as i possibly can! and jump high into the sky! that will be my "I am." "

Friday, July 9, 2010

toxicity and remedy friday

why i live grateful and joyous in my annulment of the woman whom gave birth to me:

i am free and continually free her from the continuum of living-death.

free from phony posing when the reality is one cluster-fuck of psychosis after another.

i am never again an option for her to derail on. She is never again an option for me to ulcerate over.

her money is her choice. her health is her choice. her reactions are her choice. her responsibility.

the poisons have no purchase.

annulled.


thank the One only One.

no toxics go in my heart.

ever never never.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

i am rich!!!!! and it's thursday!

this morning i was a little fucking mad.

in My pantry on My shelf are My six boxes of equal quantities regular and fruit granola bars.

i went to My pantry and leaned toward My shelf and picked up one of My six boxes of equal quantities regular and fruit granola bars. IT WAS FUCKING EMPTY!

"damnit. (really emphasized period. .) " husband! these are MY GRANOLA BARS! of which not only am I now out of one ENTIRE BOX! but! my perfectly inventoried ratio of fruit to nut granola bars is COMPLETELY FUCKED TO THE MOON!

i stood there with that empty box of My granola bars and quietly fumed for about 50 seconds.

"what. the. fuck." "What the Fuck." I stopped myself like narcolepsy and stood in a stupor; like the idiot I was being.

'i am hoarding food...from my husband..." "?"

"they're just fucking granola bars. we will buy more when we run out."

i didn't believe that at first. i said it again.

"we WILL buy more when we run out."

i felt better after that one.

i put the empty box in the recycling bin and - I OPENED ANOTHER BOX! MADNESS!!!!

From this revelation I am committing to myself, for the sake of my alegria and that of my husband, to CONQUER THE POVERTY MINDSET; CONQUER THE IMPOVERISHED SELF.

It was like a fucking brick-house i have been living in- i just kicked it down- with no shoes on, betches. i have money to buy granola bars more than once every two or three months. i can buy them once a week! i can do that! and i will be okay! WHAT?!?!?!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is madness :]

and i will take more, please.



Tuesday, June 29, 2010

things i agree with as staples of my living

If vegetables are there-EAT THEM ALL
Take Your Vitamins!
Go to Sleep
Taking it Personal is immature (so get over it!)
Think about the other perspective
Cur-all: Put Yourself on Pause and take a short walk outside
Attention Hogs are out of style
Wear Sunscreen
Bring a Water Bottle
Bring Granola Bars
Bring a bonnet
Bring a scarf
Bring a hair-tie
Bring Sunglasses
Bring Chapstick
Bring Tissues
Bring a Pen
Bring hand cream
Bring hand sanitizer
Always Pee!
Just poop. Everybody does it. You’ll feel great when it’s over!
Save the receipt – in a memorable location with easy access :)
Have a fireproof case for vital records
More food prepared is better than less food prepared
Let someone else bring drinks
When in doubt- Throw It Out
Open windows cheer it up
Clean House=Clean Schedule
Flossing is your lover
Precise deadlines are the best; social and otherwise
Thank You cards are glue for life
Stretching makes a huge difference :)


...now the application... :)

Saturday, June 26, 2010

rest saturday night




tea pots open the creaky door behind which Happiness waits. not the bull-shit useless kind; which, though beautiful, bring only anxiety in the knowledge of clumsiness and annihilation...ya, i don't use those.


sturdy, funky tea pots. full of piping hot water and fresh leaves and bits of herb relief.

i am a constant of happy child and wintry-souled woman. tea pots warm the aging siren and cheer the goofy girl.

my being belongs to the minor chords.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

musica draws stick figures in my aura sunday afternoon

where is my place in this existence, this world?

i am supposed to be 17 forever.

my body has other plans. my mind has other plans. my heart has other plans. i want them to come together. each are tied by dental floss and this is not enough for me. for ME. i need more.

i am not 17 forever. i am not forever in this existence, this world.



what am i? where is my place?


what am i?

Saturday, June 12, 2010

nothing in particular saturday

imparticular?


listening to El Salvador by The Athlete. i see leaves rustling across the lot, through the wood slats which keep critters out, as they should stay.

i am going to eat tzaziki tonight. you should, too.


i just don't know about this U.S./England game tonight. It could go either way! Crazy happens, folks! Story of my life. Perhaps the story of tonight's match.


other than that, i have been cooking steadily since last night & i rock.

olive oil
garlic out the yingyang
sea salt
mound of tomatoes
thai red peppers til it hurts
onions til you cain't see through your tears
one red apple diced for kicks
throw it all in a pan & simmer for hours

add a mountain of parsley and slap over some rice & shrimp. BOOOOOOOM.


eat it.


I love YOU.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

this is the shit saturday





BOOOM! New favorite website. TED. Thank you Huffington Post.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

cleaned-out quite well friday

I have come to the full knowledge that I should not eat-

1 1/2 cups raw oatmeal
1/4 cup gold raisins
1 2/3 cup cold,vanilla almond milk
2 Tb mesquite honey

Put it all together in a bowl, mix to perfection, shovel in your face with a spoon.

(yuuuuuuuuuuummmmm)


-for breakfast on a workday.... Be advised. If YOU do eat this for breakfast on a workday, you will make it until the afternoon, then, you will be squirming discretely as you listen to supervisors while trying not to poop your pants in loud trumpets of gassy oat torpedoes.




Your welcome, humanity.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

in the middle before my time is up monday


I am trying to focus on being alive here and now. My mind keeps me at the door of death. My constant thinking revolves around my dying breath, losing use of my body, never feeling my skin like today.... It hurts me to be saying goodbye to my body. I watch it leave me every day. I want to focus on saying hello to the dying process. The slow and constant changes that will take over my physical person from here until my earthly end. I force myself to buy bright clothes and ride my bike. I force myself to act alive so that, someday, hopefully soon, I will really feel alive. I just want to cry in sadness of losing my friend of so many years- growing up. How do I be grown? How do I be aged? I have only ever been young. I am so full of sadness in this. I know I will be beautiful. I will be truly Woman. I am at the very same time sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad.

I believe in the truth that my wanting will lead me rightly to freedom and revelry.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

i can read. amazing. sunday.

"We're free to choose our character; the type of person we become.
We're free to choose our values.
We're free to choose how we treat people.
We're free to choose how we handle adversity.
We're free to choose how much we'll learn.
We're free to choose what we'll accomplish in our life.
We're free to choose our own belief system.
We're free to choose our own purpose.
We're free to choose our attitude regardless of circumstances."




-aftb 2010

Saturday, May 8, 2010

i love pooping every day saturday

(it took me two days....que sera)


Over the past few months I have cornered my husband at every opportunity. "Tell me 2 things you love about me." "Explain." "Give me an example." :]

He's wonderful. (and he's getting better at it with each round- so I am not letting up anytime soon).


I told my husband when we were first dating that I am a person in need of constant re-assurance. I have proven true to my word I'm quite certain.

A reoccurring theme has been laid over me in my husband's words of love and affirmation during these no-escape moments I present. ..."You have a great ability to sift through the bullshit." This is slowly sinking in and taking root in my Self.

This man I devote myself to sees and respects this ability I did not recognize. I want to see it. I am paying more attention.

More on this later.


Now. Pooping! I am SO THANKFUL THAT I AM ABLE TO POOP! There is no relief quite as curious and freeing as a full bowel movement. I feel like my whole life is in the book binding before the next chapter. My inner being is having one massive and constant bowel movement! The physical act of pooping takes the toxins, poisons; the bad stuff, out of your system. This allows for healing, rejuvenation, room for different and better nutrition. This is my life- my life is having one big poop! Toxic people and habits- poop out! By no near margin am I close to complete relief, however, I am more free in each hour of battling with the scouring of my metaphorical bowels.


Thank you God for physical pooping- it's great once it's over! May this be true of my inter/intra/spritu/emoti/menta/whateva big giant poo to recovery.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

deep sleep thursday night

tomorrow i am going to write about my 'bullshit meter' and how truly, truly grateful and in wonder i am that i can poop. two thoughts that have been mulling around my cabesa that just happen to be ...related (?) hahaha

for now, i will listen to my tone-deaf husband sing me to sleep with More Than Words. :) this is the life, folks. this is it. he loves me. and i love him. and he is only semi-conscious.

i love you. goodnight.

Monday, April 26, 2010

naked for jesus naked naked naked monday


Rembrandt van Rijn (Dutch, 1606-1669) Naked Woman Seated on a Mound 1631




boobquake.
why should i have to hide the body given to me? i didn't hide from the One in Eden. i refuse to wear shame over having BOOBS. i refuse to wear shame over having a Vagina. I refuse to wear shame for having a Uterus. the One sees me naked always. i follow Jesus. i do not even feign to pretend that i know the mind of Jesus; the ways of the One. there is no male. there is no female. my body is a temple and so i will bare it unashamedly in praise and glory to the One all the days of my life.

---
Ekiti women in protest 2010



i wrote the above to a friend after a certain church-going friend with boobs told her that she would not be participating because '[her] body is for the glory of God'. at first, i was shaking. i was so angry at this person for taking an axe to my beautiful, powerful, and frail friend- in the name of God. i wrote a piece of my heart for my friend. .then, i was still. i have only sadness for this other person with boobs. she chooses to only hear what one sect of socio-historically limited religion tells her to listen to and believe. the One is not an American Reformation Bible'Belt-fostered deity-in-a-box. for this other person with boobs, anything i could possibly share would be outright refused; simply because i have the body to grow a baby & do not adhese my self to this person's religious traditions. finally, i breath. who am i to force any person to live as i live? haven't many of the world religions done quite enough of that throughout the last 2,000 years and beyond; yes. i will only love and wait. it is only the One's place to have the final and absolute say. no person knows what this is. i let it go. i live empowered. i live free. as only the One makes me free.


naked woman by Erika 2006

Sunday, April 25, 2010

sunny walk in the park sunday

My body is no longer my own. It is the canvas of time passing.

My spirit has always been the 3 year-old and the 83 year-old holding hands; each taking shifts to care for the other.

Now my body is slipping away from young. This is an unknown plane.

My body has been the same body for 10 years. Small additions of fat- I finally got boobs!- in womanly places to keep my jeans on and actually have to wear a bra (or do I?) :) The only changes of the young body.

Now? It seems the oils I rub into the skin of my hands never quite soak into the caverns of silky wrinkles from my wrists to my fingertips. The same goes for my face. I think this is the most difficult. My face is rebelling against the image I hold of my self in my mind.

The 83 year-old smiles at me as I infinitesimally change by the hours of my numbered days. She knows. She knows what I hope to understand. What I hope to allow to blossom.

Age.

Ancient experience writing finely on the papyrus of my skin.

The 3 year-old continues to laugh. To dance. To wonder!

Holding hands. It is simply time to give the matron the lead.

I believe in the promise of balance. What better, more breathtaking dance partners than two women. One forever child, one forever perfected in the freedom of death's winking.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

sun through my window thursday

i daydream about having a grand mirrored hall with a wooden dance floor. i daydream about having thick strips of fabric hanging from the ceiling and large circular swings, too. i dream about having this room for therapy. i would lead music and motion therapy.

yoga but better. and way more fun.

you should be here. we would be cirque du solei, suzuki drama, yoga, whatever! using your muscles and bones with purpose in music.

to work through your shit and feel better.

that would be my banner. :]

i love it.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

death cab and sun tea wednesday afternoon



forgiveness. this i work on. i nose-dive. cement grit into my face. i rise. bathe my infections. patiently cringe as healing takes tedious, itchy, swelling, maddening time.

i forgive myself.
i forgive myself.
i forgive myself.
i forgive myself.
i forgive myself.
i forgive myself.
i forgive myself.
i forgive myself.
i forgive myself.
i forgive myself.
i forgive myself.
i forgive myself.
God help me; i forgive myself.
i forgive myself.

i forgive myself. forgiveness.

i forgive them all.
i forgive them all.
i forgive them all.
i forgive them all.
i forgive them all.
i forgive them all.
i forgive them all.

i forgive it all.

all.

i forgive it all.

i forgive them all.

i forgive myself.

fuck yes.

:]

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

springtime and questions tuesday

I walk in the park Sundrenched. As I am leaving to go and buy delicious white chocolate, a couple stops me straw-hat, purple dress and flip-flops to ask where butterflies go in the winter. ... :) I instantaneously recite from kindergarten memories of butterfly Cacoon. My final reply, "That is a very good question!" We all laugh happily and say farewell. My flip flop sandals and I meander to the final flower bed.

I watch a peacock butterfly from flower to flower flop drunkenly enjoying what I am sure is a version of quite a divine luncheon.


Beautiful. Beautiful day.

Outside in Spring is my kind of good.





butterflies are caterpillars in winter. how bout that. i think i knew this, somewhere in the back tracks of my mind i hope i see those two tomorrow. i want to know the answer for the question.

(Sigh, smile, sigh)

Saturday, April 3, 2010

saturday of saturdays

I am an arrogant self righteous bitch. Fucking Hallelujah that I admit it and I am clawing through the deeps of my ugliness to obliterate the arrogance, self righteousness; the bitch is probably staying, hopefully with a bit more wisdom each day to shut up and listen first.

I love the One- whatever, however the One exists and IS. So, I try not to be an asshole. Sometimes I succeed.

Try to fucking understand forgiveness. Shit.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

monday monday morning

My life has NEVER been better. Every morning this is true. Not money, not socialtude- LIFE. Always moving forward! I am living in Now. I am loving Vida. Always. :)

This includes expressing passion for what is not love I see and find in the world around me.

This includes having several stances in one realm of meaning/thought/action...


I am not limited by your views- you are not limited by mine.


We refuse to be boxed in- even by our own personal selves.

boom.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

found waldo sunday



I have finally found a person living outdoors here. This ville is full of bmw's, jags, and mercedes'. This man rolls out on his kicks and big times' it with extra-large grocery bags around town. We probably do not speak the same verbal language. Maybe we can learn to share the same non-verbal dialect: clean socks for free. And, a smile. Not the shit-eating kind. The "Hey. I see you. And I'm still here." kind.

I miss my street friends back Home. Fucking mad miss you fucking all. I love you.

Monday, March 8, 2010

you should always hydrate Monday

I am fighting apathy.

I believe in God. I believe in God deciding we need some current info on the whole existence and after earth existence thing. He put it into a form we would comprehend (somewhat). Decides so and so is pregnant and the baby is God incarnate. What the hell does that mean? I do not know.

Apathy. My apathy is - what do I do with this belief? Do... Those who have gone before me in mass numbers have done quite a fucking 'nuff to fuck fuck fuck things up here for all beings and creatures. So my response is - do nothing. That is doing something, I know, all you two'sides of the coin people.

For now I will shower more often than not, eat fairly well, and stay the fuck out of fucking up people's lives. Focally- my own. I may nevery get it perfect but I'll die trying. hahahahaha. In the best way possible.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

a pence more Monday

Some days I feel very very old.
Aged, really. Like I am a great great grandmother. Not tired necessarily, rather, filled with time past. Like I am just passing by on a lazy river while the world carries on. Others paddle close-by. One or two may even steady the current with me through the story book pages of my existence in this body, this world...

long long sigh and sigh Monday



Moon River, wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style some day.

Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going I'm going your way.

Two drifters off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.

We're after the same rainbow's end--
waiting 'round the bend,
my huckleberry friend,

Moon River and me.

© 1961 Paramount Music Corporation, ASCAP

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

i took a shower Tuesday afternoon

sometimes i feel truly alive
today it was the few moments after i finished my shower
i dried my body
looked at the hair on my legs
i was singing you got it by mr orbison
mostly because i had just finished watching boys on the side
looking down at the hair on my legs gives me peace
stability maybe
it has yet to let me down i guess
that was not the moment
it helped to create the moment
i stepped out of the diminutive tiled shower
it is the color of a morning tide pool
it makes it easier to breathe somehow
for me anyway
i had only briefly ran the stiffened pink towel down the back
of my soaked crowning hair
it is too short to be called long and too long to be called short
i run my fingers through it now and again wishing it was gone
then i think about being a woman
i overthink that for another hour and
then shake it off with a glass of water
the moments i truly felt alive today
i stayed naked
the moisture was evaporating from my skin
the soft winter daylight whispered through the burled bathroom glass window
it faces east
you can't see through it
only the light
i stood before the sink
naked and cool skinned
opening the small, plastic, center medicine cabinet door
i grabbed my toothbrush
unscrewed the cap of my toothpaste
turned on the tap and ran the combo underneath
as i started the rhythm of small circular movement back and forth
across the secret world that is my teeth
i felt it
i closed the small mirrored door to stare at myself
my hand content to carry on without me
cold drops of clear water
running from my scalp to the edges of my hair
falling like velvet kisses
the kind you get on your cheek from nieces and nephews on easter
it was like dying
i have found many times that feeling truly alive involves variants of death
each cold fall finding rest in the crook between neck and shoulder
slowly tracing the light from behind me
sliding towards it
to roll over and down my shoulder blade
slide noiselessly across the narrows of my collarbone
i could only know that i wanted to cry
to know what it might be like if i did cry
staring in the mirror
watching water fall from the tips of my hair
i was being touched
someone touching my skin
it was myself
the crying spirit inside of me
the one thankful for this moment
thankful for the pain of being alive
scared of having to be alive until i die
death will be better
until then
God send me courage
send me drops of peace
water on my naked body
water on my soul

i finished brushing my teeth
i like running my rinsed toothbrush back over them
especially behind each tooth
i also brush my tongue
it makes me smile
wrapping the now damp towel around my head like a pink cocoon
i dress
and sigh
and try to think of other things


i love being naked
i love being bundled
i am learning to feel truly alive
for more than the moments
some days
someday
i believe in someday
just like today believes in me

sigh
i will die if otherwise
the kind of dying that lasts your whole life

no to that
yes to hope
even when i am alone
angry
forlorn
ambivalent
woe begotten
self piteous
etc
i am never entirely lost of my hope
in the knowledge that life is true
being alive is just half of life

help me to understand this

life after cancer is still a bitch. :)a fucking fucked the fuck up'd one! hahahahahaha! Jesus help me I'm fucking laughing! Shit :) ya. FUCK.

i love You
thanks from me to You, always. always.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

history repeating is there purpose wednesday

What do you have to say about talk of the Burka being Banned in France?

Where does this lead? Muslim women can't leave their homes in France? What about Buddhist nuns? What about...what about...? What's really going on, France?

friend k: France boasts a pretty large Muslim minority and they are the center of quite a bit of contention. They have been talking about banning the Burka for awhile now. If they do it will be huge. In November the Swiss voted to put a ban on the construction of minarets on Muslim mosques. Europe and Islam are not getting along with now (to put it mildly).

friend l: I'm shocked? I don't know what is going on. I will buy a newspaper.

friend m: i have not heard of this until now, but if this is a serious deal then i am extremely disappointed in france. i don't need to explain the cultural, social, and religious importance of the burka to muslim society. i don't know if france thinks they are "liberating" muslim women, but meddling in the affairs of religion by a political power has caused some major problems throughout the history of mankind.

i'm going to have to go check this out now.

friend k: France (and all of Europe) are not trying to liberate Muslims, they are trying to keep their own culture alive. The arguments against Muslims in Europe are similar to some (but not all) arguments against illegal immigrants in the US.

friend m: but banning the burka sounds like quite an extreme measure to achieve a cultural goal...:\

Targeting the women (who really have no say- the Koran & Muslim men do) is infuriatingly ignorant.

friend m:extremely. i don't...agree with it no matter the cultural ramifications.

I do agree that the US and countless other countries/societies have done their share of discrimination- often leading to community violence and even internment, labor, and/or death camps to get 'unwanted' people out of the picture. Is Europe going to walk down this road again? Fighting the extremists by punishing the majority; way to be original. Oppression begets retaliation. It is the human story.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

deutschland snowy before the sunrise monday



I love the existence between lights. The breathing before the sun and after the moon. Before the moon and after the sun. These are where I belong. Where trees are purple-black pencil painted streaks bending in the sky. Dusk or Dawn; I am happiest.

Monday, January 11, 2010

bluegreengoldcolorscolorscolors monday

I write this for a boy in his twenties.

The water closed his eyes.



listening to flogging molly and sending my heartsong to the one i never knew
we all had to say goodbye too soon, too soon
young life leaves this world. we are waiting in the between
it's raining in Seattle
i feel rain
still alive
are you more so now that you are not
my heart sings to you
the one i never knew
sleep and wait for us
what more will i say
when i never knew you
the ones in your love
they are the burning
burning in the hole cracked within
they are the burning
left with only the love
you
they knew you
love you still
far far away
far far away

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

january junebug 20 and 10 Tuesday

I am tired. I am simultaneously happy, grateful, courageous, quenched, empowered, delighted, ecstatic, gleeful, energetic, bursting with the need to create!...anxious, baleful, anguished, confined, unwanted, angry, fearful, downcast, unfulfilled, cracked...hurt and healed all in one.

I think about death at least once an hour. As a part of Life.


So if I am meant only to die- then why live? Why be put in this world in the first fucking place? Is death so dependent upon life? I need to stop asking why regarding these things. I need some other inquiry.

How?

What?


Answer me that, God. I am not informed.


Still not angry with God. Angry with this place/existence- quite often; particularly in regards to humanity, which includes my own self.

What is the purpose of my body and mind, senses and cognitions, tying so strongly- cleaving to this place! If I'm not supposed to fucking be here!

Fuck you, people who tell me like you fucking know what God knows. FUCK YOU. We don't even know who/what/how/???? the one we call God is. NONE OF US. FUCKING SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH.

Answers would help, God. Answers that human minds are able to process and possibly grasp on the downwards of the 'for dummies' scale.


Time to dance by myself again. Deep breathing. Slow movement. Swelling music.

Center.

Waiting.