in the middle before my time is up monday

I am trying to focus on being alive here and now. My mind keeps me at the door of death. My constant thinking revolves around my dying breath, losing use of my body, never feeling my skin like today.... It hurts me to be saying goodbye to my body. I watch it leave me every day. I want to focus on saying hello to the dying process. The slow and constant changes that will take over my physical person from here until my earthly end. I force myself to buy bright clothes and ride my bike. I force myself to act alive so that, someday, hopefully soon, I will really feel alive. I just want to cry in sadness of losing my friend of so many years- growing up. How do I be grown? How do I be aged? I have only ever been young. I am so full of sadness in this. I know I will be beautiful. I will be truly Woman. I am at the very same time sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad.

I believe in the truth that my wanting will lead me rightly to freedom and revelry.

i can read. amazing. sunday.

"We're free to choose our character; the type of person we become.
We're free to choose our values.
We're free to choose how we treat people.
We're free to choose how we handle adversity.
We're free to choose how much we'll learn.
We're free to choose what we'll accomplish in our life.
We're free to choose our own belief system.
We're free to choose our own purpose.
We're free to choose our attitude regardless of circumstances."




-aftb 2010

i love pooping every day saturday

(it took me two days....que sera)


Over the past few months I have cornered my husband at every opportunity. "Tell me 2 things you love about me." "Explain." "Give me an example." :]

He's wonderful. (and he's getting better at it with each round- so I am not letting up anytime soon).


I told my husband when we were first dating that I am a person in need of constant re-assurance. I have proven true to my word I'm quite certain.

A reoccurring theme has been laid over me in my husband's words of love and affirmation during these no-escape moments I present. ..."You have a great ability to sift through the bullshit." This is slowly sinking in and taking root in my Self.

This man I devote myself to sees and respects this ability I did not recognize. I want to see it. I am paying more attention.

More on this later.


Now. Pooping! I am SO THANKFUL THAT I AM ABLE TO POOP! There is no relief quite as curious and freeing as a full bowel movement. I feel like my whole life is in the book binding before the next chapter. My inner being is having one massive and constant bowel movement! The physical act of pooping takes the toxins, poisons; the bad stuff, out of your system. This allows for healing, rejuvenation, room for different and better nutrition. This is my life- my life is having one big poop! Toxic people and habits- poop out! By no near margin am I close to complete relief, however, I am more free in each hour of battling with the scouring of my metaphorical bowels.


Thank you God for physical pooping- it's great once it's over! May this be true of my inter/intra/spritu/emoti/menta/whateva big giant poo to recovery.

deep sleep thursday night

tomorrow i am going to write about my 'bullshit meter' and how truly, truly grateful and in wonder i am that i can poop. two thoughts that have been mulling around my cabesa that just happen to be ...related (?) hahaha

for now, i will listen to my tone-deaf husband sing me to sleep with More Than Words. :) this is the life, folks. this is it. he loves me. and i love him. and he is only semi-conscious.

i love you. goodnight.