grace kelly thursday

not knowing whether you will have an organ removed is sickening. also, not knowing if the removal of this organ will have permanent peripheral consequences- like never being able to speak again- makes my skin flush and burn in the nausea of permanent unhappiness. just enough to cause an emotional limp. when every skin cell vibrates with knowing of hysteria and resignation. i want to throw up. throw up everything until i heave air. this will not make the pain go away. this will only help the mourning begin. sweaty, snot sledged wailing in the dark corner of my bedroom. my face sticks to the floor. the floor has no empathy. my heart shakes to knife through my sternum and flounder outside of my body until it dies. that is how the emotional limp feels in the beginning. after the beginning, my eyes leak with no sight to purpose. they just leak. clammy cheeks. clammy insides. clammy mind. clammy emotional limp. all this and the organ waits for the verdict. cut. or keep.

fucking brilliant. (hysterical laughter to onset of general stupor)

throwing out wednesday afternoon

every year, since i was old enough to want to, i go through my private collections of bits and bunches. and throw things the fuck out. pictures. letters. clothes. mismatched jewelry. gifts i do not remember. gifts i do not want to remember.

today. i emptied out a large red suitcase full of what i was once afraid to get rid of. old school notes and homework- who does that? pictures that have only brought me unhappy memories.

i am the reason. i disappoint people. they get done. i hurt. i try to hold on and hope. none of those people in the pictures have anything to do with my life. why can't i let go? there is always some god damn fucking redeemable quality that i wait on. i want them to do that for me. but, i disappoint. they disappoint.

i have come to the understanding that this IS what being human is. still sucks most of the time. :] fuck it if i do not continue to dig through and reach air. reach sunshine. be better.

i do not need fear; i throw away pictures, letters, miscellanea. years of broken promises and fudged moments. they are ALL forgivable and so am I. I AM FORGIVABLE. I forgive myself each time i throw away items that i have tethered my heart with. tethered to fear and anger.

i have literally been hauling this beat up, gnarly old red suitcase with busted zippers and grime streaked sides, for SIX years.
six. fucking. years.

what.
the.
fuck.

today. it is empty and out of my life.

fear less.

i am.

i did it.

i did it!

i ran today wednesday

my entire body says 'yum.' i thought i might pass out in the park where i was...jogging persistently. once i stopped seeing spots and my ears ceased ringing, i futzed through my cool down and tried not to vomit. :] on my way out of the park, i received an appreciative, eye-contact nod from the shirtless and leathery groundskeeper.

awesome.

hahahahahahahaha!

is it tuesday?

baby birds shouting and crying for attention outside my window. plane flying somewhere overhead. construction noises chipping and scraping away. cars, buses, and scooters thrumming by in waves. quiet hum of my computer fan while it cools this machine. i am missing the up-arrow key. car horn sounds. i breathe in. i breathe out. empty cereal bowl with small stainless steel spoon sits on my bed. digestion talks to me as it makes the rounds.

breathe. smile. wait on what i have no power to change.

a Serenity Prayer
Creator grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as You did, this world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to the Greater Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You Forever in the next. Amen.

friday

i am going to be naked with men,women, and children, in a beautiful spa tomorrow. this is normal here. not just for the obscenely , moderately, or slightly wealthy. for the equivalent of 7 bucks- you're in.

nakedness helps me. mortality is easier to face when naked in a healing place.

wednesday

i try to be honest and open. this requires me to trust. and i do. not everyone. relatively few. the few i do; i will bleed myself to be open with. this does not always go well. which is why it is so difficult to open up at all. if i do not live open and honest, though, i am dead. i am trying not to live dead. i have lived dead most of my life.

i have to trust that those i trust know who i am. at least, who i am determined to be. better. stronger. more open.

as i said, this does not always turn out well. i hope a light turns on for us to understand. it is worth it to me.

tell me how i have not proven myself loyal. tell me how i have not proven myself devoted. tell me what i have done to show anti-love and support. otherwise, tell me how you see us moving forward with what is shared. for understanding. it is worth it to me.


i am good at accepting no longer being wanted. i wear it well. this does not stop my being from wanting ones who do not want me. i will let go of those who ask or demand it. so far as my heart can cry. it heals over eventually. the memory dies after 10 or 15 years. maybe. not always. not in important instances. it is worth it to me to stand ground until cut down. because love is worth it.

well, people leave all the time. it's what people do. i stay. i want to stay. not to say that i am not good at leaving. poisonous people have found that i disappear very well. i try my deepest to be certain there is nothing else before walking away. i never like it. i heal and life moves forward.


i grew up in house where i was not able to speak my truth. my real thoughts and feelings. my relationships throughout my life, minus a handful, were the same scenario. i do not want that anymore. i have had the last two years to turn that mountain aside. i still have to walk through the crater it left in it's place. someday there will be a meadow there. and sunlight forever. soft rain and cool lakes. healed. flourish. i move to flourish. i will swim naked there in the haven where once my being rotted in pus and bile. cool, clean water. soft, green grass. quiet, restful peace. flourish. i move to flourish.

forgive me for not realizing how i share was not helpful at all. i was unaware. i would like to work on that. i was open and honest with no intent to injure. please help me know a better way with you. i love you.


i met you and you were fire standing in human form. you awe me. you are THE most striking being i have ever known. i adore you. i admire you. i look up to you in how to face demons in my life & the lives of ones i love. i want to bring you nothing but happiness and safety. i am sorry that i did not do that last time. i did not think i came out that way. i was calm and clear of mind when i shared with you. it came out poorly to you. you do know i have confessed that i am no good at one-on-one communication. this example must be the jewel in that crown i wear. please forgive my way of sharing.

i will try to re-do.

when you left. i was not sure you liked your time with me. i remember unhappy words. some were pointed at me. i felt cornered by my experience of these things. i did not understand why these things would have happened. i took time to be sure i really did feel that this was important. i should have waited and asked you how you would like to communicate about something important i needed to share. you have shared that you had a great time, do not remember many unhappy words & that anything said was not intended as hurtful. i believe you wholeheartedly and am done with it.

we each experienced a case of unintentional injury. the first day i met you, i forgave for anything you would ever say or do. this does not mean that i am not human and do not need to work through anger when hurt- especially when i do not know it was unintentional at the time. i speak strongly when it is important to being real with people i love and give myself to. i do this because you give me strength and courage to do so. you are the one who gave me strength to start saying No to toxic people in my life. so, i want to share pain with you when i feel it. i am glad you shared your pain with me. i am sad that i caused it. please forgive me.

i love you.

time goes saturday

June is almost over.

April...what did I do in April? Work.

May...Backstage work for a theatre production.

June...ran the theatre production. Quit my job. Made two new friends.

Next week...back to the gym. I need to feel alive. I have been trying to feel alive. What I am choosing is not working. So, exercise is my next choice. If I hurt and wrestle with the weakling in me, then, maybe I will feel a bit more alive.

I have been trying to work myself out and am having trouble breaking through the top soil. I wan to stop beating my head against the same brick wall...any brick wall. I want a nose job so that I will not see the etchings of my mother when I look in the mirror. I want green eyes. I want black skin. I want change. I want freedom in change. Exercise is less drastic.