I am tired. I am simultaneously happy, grateful, courageous, quenched, empowered, delighted, ecstatic, gleeful, energetic, bursting with the need to create!...anxious, baleful, anguished, confined, unwanted, angry, fearful, downcast, unfulfilled, cracked...hurt and healed all in one.
I think about death at least once an hour. As a part of Life.
So if I am meant only to die- then why live? Why be put in this world in the first fucking place? Is death so dependent upon life? I need to stop asking why regarding these things. I need some other inquiry.
How?
What?
Answer me that, God. I am not informed.
Still not angry with God. Angry with this place/existence- quite often; particularly in regards to humanity, which includes my own self.
What is the purpose of my body and mind, senses and cognitions, tying so strongly- cleaving to this place! If I'm not supposed to fucking be here!
Fuck you, people who tell me like you fucking know what God knows. FUCK YOU. We don't even know who/what/how/???? the one we call God is. NONE OF US. FUCKING SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH.
Answers would help, God. Answers that human minds are able to process and possibly grasp on the downwards of the 'for dummies' scale.
Time to dance by myself again. Deep breathing. Slow movement. Swelling music.
Center.
Waiting.
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