I am trying to focus on being alive here and now. My mind keeps me at the door of death. My constant thinking revolves around my dying breath, losing use of my body, never feeling my skin like today.... It hurts me to be saying goodbye to my body. I watch it leave me every day. I want to focus on saying hello to the dying process. The slow and constant changes that will take over my physical person from here until my earthly end. I force myself to buy bright clothes and ride my bike. I force myself to act alive so that, someday, hopefully soon, I will really feel alive. I just want to cry in sadness of losing my friend of so many years- growing up. How do I be grown? How do I be aged? I have only ever been young. I am so full of sadness in this. I know I will be beautiful. I will be truly Woman. I am at the very same time sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad.
I believe in the truth that my wanting will lead me rightly to freedom and revelry.
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