Today I'm just fucking tired. Spirit tired. Body tired. Tired. Contributing factors: delay of shower til, still, later, not eating well until now (which isn't too appetizing), not going to the gym, not doing the laundry, not painting the bathroom, not doing the dishes, not wanting to see any other person. Of course, if anyone called within those I cannot refuse- I would meet them and soon become joyful to simply be in their presence. I've spent my day reading, lying awake in my thoughts. Wondering what I believe. Why do I desperately cling to Jesus- not that I do not want to. Why am I personally running after Jesus and God? Those thoughts. When will I be free of myself? That permeates.
The latter can be remedied by bathing, eating, getting my shit done, going to the gym and swimming in the delicious salt water pool.... The latter? I have no fucking idea. I am not in complete and total despair. I am just floating alone in zero gravity waiting to touch down on God. God is there, here, with me. I am just stuck with what comes next. Or what it is meant to be. Life, me, everything. If I was a butterfly, I would not need to ask. I would be God's purpose for my existence. I want that now. I just want that. I want it.
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