throwing out wednesday afternoon

every year, since i was old enough to want to, i go through my private collections of bits and bunches. and throw things the fuck out. pictures. letters. clothes. mismatched jewelry. gifts i do not remember. gifts i do not want to remember.

today. i emptied out a large red suitcase full of what i was once afraid to get rid of. old school notes and homework- who does that? pictures that have only brought me unhappy memories.

i am the reason. i disappoint people. they get done. i hurt. i try to hold on and hope. none of those people in the pictures have anything to do with my life. why can't i let go? there is always some god damn fucking redeemable quality that i wait on. i want them to do that for me. but, i disappoint. they disappoint.

i have come to the understanding that this IS what being human is. still sucks most of the time. :] fuck it if i do not continue to dig through and reach air. reach sunshine. be better.

i do not need fear; i throw away pictures, letters, miscellanea. years of broken promises and fudged moments. they are ALL forgivable and so am I. I AM FORGIVABLE. I forgive myself each time i throw away items that i have tethered my heart with. tethered to fear and anger.

i have literally been hauling this beat up, gnarly old red suitcase with busted zippers and grime streaked sides, for SIX years.
six. fucking. years.

what.
the.
fuck.

today. it is empty and out of my life.

fear less.

i am.

i did it.

i did it!