no, no, no, no, no Sunday night

I don't want to have kids. I stare at pictures of children that have been brought into this world. Bloated, abused, angry, mourning their existence. I see cognitively burgeouning kids beeing fed whatever those in power (adults, the rich, the mean, the murderously well-meaning); 99% of these kids will fester in these narrow-minded spewings of advice. Another mass of that number will take life, either from another...others, or, from themselves- or both. I can't be a parent. I can't do that to another human'being. It is selfish and cruel. How, can one wouned rat of a human'being trying to simply keep from bleeding out, how can such a one ever raise another human being without cutting every section of that little one's soul into minced ash?


I don't want that responsibility.


I can't even think about it.


I will fuck it all up. Fucked up souls because of me.

I can't do it.


I don't even know what I fucking believe! How am I supposed to answer any child?! Any fucking person!? Why do I even fucking open my mouth!? But I do! It's a fucking disease! Like I fucking know shit! I know nothing! Nothing! I know nothing.


[don't worry I will recover enough to maintain life].


I just want Jesus to come RIGHT NOW and set us free from this hell.


There is no such fucking thing as enlightenment. If you get to anything near it- you're fucking missing the boat. We are all souls trapped in racks of skin and riggles of gray matter. Accept that while you sit in your field of grass and singing birds with your purified water and organic clothes- families are being chopped with machetes, children are being raped,people are being raped, people are being held captive and starved to death in tidy suburban basements, kids are being shot for the sake of some group's "cause."... I can't purposefully bring another life into this place- I can't parent any child into this place. I am already a conduit to the system. To my misery and demise. God help us. Please help us. Please help us. Please help us. Please help us. Please help us. Please help us.

This isn't where we are supposed to be. We are supposed to be free. What does that even mean, God?

...what does anything fucking mean? i just want to take off all of my clothes, walk into the river and cry until it floods the earth.


oh, God. Please help. Please help. Please help.