apeshit coming soon friday

i just ate a hunk of cheese. by hunk, i mean the size and thickness of my fist. i have also been drinking orange juice from the jug and am on my way to the kitchen for another 1.75 liters.


this means something is eating me. what is it? i'm not sure yet. this is the beginning stage. i have come to recognize (in this exact moment) that i eat obnoxious amounts of food when my heartmindself- for lack of a better term- is about to go apeshit.


so, fuck rebellion- i am soaking up my crazy sauce and waiting for the monsoon.


it's been awhile since my last blowthefuckupandbecomefireworks intrapersonal experience. i have been doing better. growing up in little ways. not staying in bed and going to work later when i could. putting my toothbrush away EVERY time, exactly where it was before. little things that show i am gaining stability.

whatever this is that is inducing consumption of fine cheese in large quantities, this is bringing me closer to stability.


good.

excerpts from a letter to a once friend wednesday

"I am simply working each hour to be at peace and to exist to dwell and create happiness. I have not decided which path to follow when it comes to the twin of peace- justice. That, I may never decide how and where to move forward. I do not allow poisonous people into my life. That has been the greatest of my strength building forces. I have requested, in love and respect, that my mother not contact me. She still tries, but, this is not healthy for the time being. This has been the most poisonous of my relationships. She is not ready to have it otherwise, so, I will not have it be at all. The next most poisonous relationship has been with the Western Christianity Churches/Religions. Until the counterpart is ready to be real and honest, I will not allow it to be at all. No more poison allowed.


I would like to see you, if you would also like to see me. Please know that I am a fucking mad woman with multiple spirits that I express in sometimes opposing ways- and I am damn fucking more than ok with it all. I love me, all of me. I am sophisticated and idiotic. I am ingenious and crass. I am not one way and I never will be. You must know by now that I have always loved you. Even and most especially when I let myself feel miserable with you. Knowing that I am the most generous and kind bitch you will come across, will you love me even half as much as I love you? I don't think like you, live like you, believe like you, act like you- I do nothing like anyone because I am a masterpiece. You are. That is how I think and feel about that.

What do you have to say?"

this time the answer was- yes.

wish me all good and brilliant.

no typo.



all good and brilliant.

Light.

flying in snow out my window sunday

i don't know why conversations i have heard, regarding rod stewart, curse his name. i don't know what he did to piss you people off. maybe his failings were more public than ours, but we all FAIL. get over it. i love listening to his music. maybe he didn't write the songs. maybe he doesn't believe in them. but. he sings them. for better or worse. he sings.

promise i'm not antisocial entirely sunday

look, people. sometimes a person sits with her eyes closed in a coffee shop across from her friend because she explicitly wants to be in the same space as this friend and not fill it with chatter- because there is nothing more to fucking say right now! why are people so grated by silence? by stillness? my friend is reading and i have stared happily and thoughtfully at her for 15 minutes, i would like to dwell in the caverns of my thoughts now, thank you. ps, having my eyes closed is a part of the experience. you should try it sometime. really. stop talking to me. stop talking. calm down. close your mouths. close your eyes. and think.

i know you are not trying to be rude, but, you're being invasive a smidge. i understand that you could not possibly know how important it is to me that i sit here like a warm, mushy statue and bury my mind in the sand behind my eyelids. sandy beaches as waves of thinking roll, and roll, and roll, and roll... FUCKING ESSENTIAL TO ME! you grate me with your fidgety need to fill the silence and pester me in order to make yourselves feel less uncomfortable. grmmmarbgreeblthrrrr!!! that is the noise in my person right now.

okay, i know. you want to communicate with the weirdos. the friends sitting across from the table, not making eye contact, not making noise, and not freaking out about it. i will open her computer and spallunk around until you feel like your work here is done and commence talking amongst yourselves like good little coffee shop goers.

yes, i know i'm a freak. BUT IT MAKES ME HAPPY. :]!!!! so, unless you are ready to discuss with me the possibilities of what happens when a human dies, our deepest struggles and most majestic triumphs; shit like this- please silencio. i can't handle any other type of conversation right now. which is why i am going to sit here and think. in silence. eyes closed.

some day i might be like you. don't set your hopes too high. i really like being me. FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAK!

days days saturday 2:12am

the other day
listening to Frou Frou radio on last.fm
thoroughly delightful
like cupcakes
with sugar crystal sprinkled frosting
and those metalic sugary beads on top
delicious to my self
thank you music
i bet you want a towering cupcake with mountains of frosting...
me too. hahahaahahahaahahaha!
let's get one! (each)

the day before that
Too many things not to do.
I suppose I intend the meaning: boredom.
I do have things to do
I am unable to do them for reasons like time; lacking.
Listening to Tony Toni Tone'.
Time which does not belong to me.
For lending my time I receive pay.
It will do for now, but will not for much longer.
I need to start viewing this as 'my whole life is ahead of me.'
I certainly do not see, feel, think, exist in this way.
My life has been over for years! Hahahaha!
I am in a state between life and death.
Like I am on borrowed minutes.
White haired. Twig bones. Paper skin. Dappled waves of age spots.
That is how I see, feel, think, exist.
I need to snap out of it!
Which will take some time.

today
talking about sex, death, loyalty, love, freedom. Freedom from past. Freedom in present. Freedom for future. Desire for burning freedom; freedom which burns up the souls around me until we are the fire of life. Red, searing bellows of flame. i am on fire. i am fire. I AM FIRE.

shit I say sunday

Myself, I am intent on living in harmony. harmony does not always mean bliss- yet, always means genuine life. I want to be a better me than I was yesterday- each day. Sometimes I am, other times I have more to work on. I am thoroughly welcoming of this existence.

blaggadyblaggadygarb monday

i love books
here's the thing. (let's talk straight)


my ideal world would have me as an agoraphobe. yup.

(a rich agoraphobe)

i would live in my little house. i would never leave. everything would be delivered. duh. it's called the Internet.

i would read books and watch tv/movies all day. i would eat. i would sleep. and repeat.

i would have money automatically taken from my ka'ching account to various noble charities- so as not to feel like a total bottom-feeder.

however, without the materializing and uninterrupted income- this is not happening. also, there would be no sex- and safe, positive sexual experiences are a human right; i am just about damned certain.

so, i get up. i get dressed. i shower three times a week. sometimes four. and i go interact with the physical world populated by people, places, and things. i do like it. i even have extended periods of cherished dwelling in the orb of environments that is earth. it's just not my gut go-to.

on the other end. i could go hiking and sleep on rocks anytime. (i do like having the t.p., though.)

complicated masterpiece. we each are.

(we each are bonafide weirdies, too) (fyi)